A Letter To My Bullies

[KuolleidenMaa]

I posted this on Facebook a week ago and it really helped me sort through some of the new feelings I've been having since I started remembering my childhood more.  I would like to share it with all of you in hopes that it may have a healing power that resonates with you.
Thank you for reading.

Dear Bullies,

I hope that someday, somehow, this letter finds its way to you.  I doubt that it's likely to happen, but I think, at least, I'm allowed that hope.  Facebook has allowed me to keep tabs on you over the years.  I've wondered if you ever think about me and feel bad for treating me the way you did when we were growing up.  I've seen that you've been able to keep childhood friends over the years.  I've seen that some of you are married.  I've seen that most of you are doing well for yourselves. People look at you now as a friend, a partner, or maybe even a father.  But no one other than you and I really know who you once were.  You've done a good job of hiding what you did to me from those who are close to you. Perhaps you've even hid it from yourself. What would happen to you if people found out?  How do you think your family would respond, knowing that you took pleasure in punching me, kicking me, pushing me to the ground, and verbally abusing me for much of my childhood?

I've had to live the past 20+ years in fear, shame, and darkness because of you.  I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of you.

You get to sleep soundly at night without thinking about me; you get to go out in public without having to scan crowds for potential threats.  I don't.  Now that your actions are no longer blocked from my mind, I get to wake up most nights sweating in terror, reliving those moments we shared on the bus or the playground. You did that to me.  You damaged my brain.  You taught me to fear most and trust very few.

It's time that I bring others into the light of truth.  I don't want to live my life alone anymore.  I want to be able to go places and not get scared from loud noises or feel like I need to always have my back against a wall.  I want to be able to trust people more and be able to see the good in people, rather than having to make a genuine effort to find one.  I want to stop hating everything as much as I do. I want to rid myself of the guilt that comes from being so defensive that at times I became you. I'm finally learning to understand that what you did to me wasn't my fault. I'm ready to come to terms with how your actions caused my reactions to the world around me.

I know that one day I will need to forgive you. I'm not quite ready to do that yet. In a perfect world, I'd first want you to acknowledge what you've done.  Take responsibility.  Own your actions.  You killed a part of my childhood, and to this day, I still feel that loss. You need to know how you've impacted my life. So, if any of you out there think you know the people to whom I am referring, please feel free to share this letter with them.  It is, after all, for them. The years of mental and physical abuse inflicted upon me by these individuals and others likely not yet realized, resulted in years of repressed memories that are only now coming to light.

Bullies, if you've lived your lives up until now chalking your past actions off as typical childhood behavior, you need to know that you're wrong.

[Minnow]

This was a wonderful letter.  I am so sorry you dealt with such harsh bullying that you didn't deserve.  That nobody deserves.

At the end of the letter, you say that we need to stop brushing bullying off as "typical childhood behaviour", and you're absolutely right.  One of the major problems with bullying (and abuse in general, really) is that many acts that are actually acts of bullying are normalised in our society, so no one recognises it and deals with it appropriately until it's too late and the damage is already done.  Bullying and abuse are both individual and systemic issues, in that way.

[Lingurine]

Good letter,KuolleidenMaa. To me, it would be triggering to see how the lives of my bullies supposed to go so well.  Supposed, because we all know that people show themselves from their best angle on Facebook, although, on the other hand, I wouldn't know because I'm not on Facebook, but that's what I hear. 
I'm glad it doesn't mess it up for you or when it does, you might delete Facebook all together.

Just a thought.

Lingurine

[KuolleidenMaa]

I'm glad it doesn't mess it up for you or when it does, you might delete Facebook all together.

I dunno, this feels rather pessimistic to me. Which was not something I expected. I do not intend to delete my Facebook account. I need it to stay connected with some of my support systems.