The recovery spiral

[Finding My Voice]

I've talked about this before at OOTF -- I feel like recovery, for me at least, is like a spiral.  I revisit what seems like the same places, but usually as I revisit something I can feel it more emotionally or address it on a deeper level.  In other words, while it seems like I'm going through the same things over and over, I'm actually making progress.

It's still frustrating, though.  Today was my first real session with my new T (my old T retired).  One of the things she had me work on is figuring out why I hold onto my self-hatred.  Pretty soon after I got home, I figured out that it had something to do with defending my mother and being loyal to her.  And then I worked out that if I hate myself, it means her criticism and treatment of me was justified and I can continue to believe the family dogma that "Mom loves me, she's just trying to help me improve by critiquing me, and her bad behavior is the result of emotional problems that she can't control."  If I don't hate myself, because I don't deserve to treat myself or be treated that way, that means her treatment of me was wrong, and the whole house of cards collapses.

I realized most of this intellectually a couple of years ago.  But somehow, today I'm starting to realize it on a more emotional level, and it's like being shocked all over again, like someone has just picked up the earth and used it like a salt shaker.  In general the past couple weeks I've been having more emotional responses to my childhood, feeling some of the pain I've repressed all these years.  From 2011 on I've been realizing intellectually that my childhood was "that bad" and I was emotionally/verbally abused, but now I'm actually feeling some of the pain of not being allowed to exist as I really was.

[keepfighting]

why I hold onto my self-hatred.  Pretty soon after I got home, I figured out that it had something to do with defending my mother and being loyal to her.

This was one of my major breakthroughs in t: In one of the sessions I had been defending my mother's treatment of me towards my t, apparently (...it was so much of a habit at the time that I didn't even realize I was doing it...) and my t said: "Children often defend their parents even when it's not deserved." I left that session furious like * - how dare she call me child! (I was 27 at the time) Then it hit me: She wasn't calling me a child at all - she was telling me that I am a grownup and do no longer need to defend my parent's actions!

It has taken quite a bit of practice to stop defending hurtful and mean actions - even to myself - but it has definitely been worth it and helped reduce the self hatred a lot.

I realized most of this intellectually a couple of years ago.  But somehow, today I'm starting to realize it on a more emotional level, and it's like being shocked all over again, like someone has just picked up the earth and used it like a salt shaker.  In general the past couple weeks I've been having more emotional responses to my childhood, feeling some of the pain I've repressed all these years.  From 2011 on I've been realizing intellectually that my childhood was "that bad" and I was emotionally/verbally abused, but now I'm actually feeling some of the pain of not being allowed to exist as I really was.

Spooky! This is precisely why I went into t in the first place: I wanted to be able to feel what I knew to be true intellectually.

In retrospect, I think that knowing stuff about my childhood intellectually has also been keeping me from seeking help for a long time: I think I over rationalized and got myself deeper into the spiral. Allowing myself to feel emotions - especially the 'negative' ones - was just too scary to contemplate.

Good luck on your journey out of the spiral! You may be revisiting 'places' you've been before, but you are no longer the same person you were then and maybe by revisiting, you can face the demons that were too scary the last time around.

[pam]

I can relate to this too. It's like there are different layers to the same past event/relationship/patterns and each time there is a new discovery about it, a new insight, and some more relief felt. It always feels so weird. Like a new door opens and I step into the bright sun.   

[Finding My Voice]

Good luck on your journey out of the spiral! You may be revisiting 'places' you've been before, but you are no longer the same person you were then and maybe by revisiting, you can face the demons that were too scary the last time around.

Thanks, that's encouraging to hear.

[Kizzie]

Well said KeepFighting!

[schrödinger's cat]

And then I worked out that if I hate myself, it means her criticism and treatment of me was justified and I can continue to believe the family dogma that "Mom loves me, she's just trying to help me improve by critiquing me, and her bad behavior is the result of emotional problems that she can't control."  If I don't hate myself, because I don't deserve to treat myself or be treated that way, that means her treatment of me was wrong, and the whole house of cards collapses.

Oh good, someone else does that, too. Ouf. It's surprisingly like having to de-brainwash oneself, I find.

[Butterfly]

I realized most of this intellectually a couple of years ago.  But somehow, today I'm starting to realize it on a more emotional level, and it's like being shocked all over again, like someone has just picked up the earth and used it like a salt shaker.  In general the past couple weeks I've been having more emotional responses to my childhood, feeling some of the pain I've repressed all these years. 

I understand. This is where I'm at as well.