Trying to make some sense of it all...

[Blossoming]

You're the best sanmagic7.

He's hoovering me back in but I'm at least out of the fog enough to see it I suppose.
So the Monday morning after I exposed the affair to the other woman's husband and told him about the audio recording he made a sudden 180. The night before he was literally going to go see her on her side of town and asked me if I would pick him up if there was any trouble! I said there was no way I'd be bailing him out of anything to do with his girlfriend. He ended up tagging along with me to go get some dinner and the whole time was saying rude stuff about how I taught him everything he knows about deception. I gave him a chance to come clean about the drugs but he lied some more.
So he called her to break up nine days ago and literally spent an hour on the phone with her. Seriously. Then I found out this weekend from the other woman's husband that back in November when my husband was on a business trip the girlfriend went and stayed with him at the hotel and she lied to her husband saying she had to go out of town for work. It was right around my birthday and he was 'too sick' when he got home to do anything with me. I asked him twice this weekend if he was with her on the business trip and he blatantly lied again. He finally admitted the truth two days ago. Tonight he made some dumb comment that I didn't really have evidence besides a parking ticket that they were together on that trip. I'm so at a loss right now. I do think it's safe to say I'm dealing with someone who is extremely ill. I know what I need to do and now I just have to muster the strength to kick him out and change the locks. What a mess. Wish me strength everyone. I'm sure I'm dealing with a pure narcissist at this point.

[Blossoming]

H and I mutually agreed last night that he will move out. He pulled it again where he said he would be home at 8p.m. and he did come home but was hanging out with his brother smoking pot and drinking until 9:30. I'm embarrassed to admit the number of chances I've given that man and he literally doesn't even try to change. Despite sometimes using the ' right words' his actions speak of total disregard for me and our marriage. I let him suck me back in after he slept with another person in our bed and he still continued to lie. Of course he says it's because he didn't want to hurt me further but the lies are just as hurtful (if not more so) than the infidelity.

[sanmagic7]

i'm just glad you two came to a mutual agreement about it.  wishing you all the strength you need to do what you have to do.  hoovering is sinister stuff, and i'm glad for you that you were able to recognize it.

i stayed in too many relationships way past their healthy expiration dates.  we were programmed to ignore our boundaries, keep giving chances, and to hope against hope that something will change for the good.  with these kinds of people - the liars and the cheats - it never does.  it's a lesson to learn that we can hopefully put into effect the next time.  it took me quite a few 'next times' before i finally got it.  you're doing great!

best to you with all this, blossoming.  you are making so much progress, and it's been great to see.  love and hugs to you!

[Blossoming]

  how would I have gotten through this mess without you and others here? It's so comforting to have a safe place to talk over this crazy making drama.

I already feel better. He texted me today saying he was sorry for hurting me and I just replied something like "I know but we need to keep it all business from now on."

My adult daughter is proud of how well I'm handling everything and I'm glad to be setting a good example for her!

[Blossoming]

I just want to record the facts here so if and when the hoovering starts back up I will be sure to remember.
1. He had a six month long emotional and physical affair.
2. He lied and deceived me the whole time.
3. He continued to lie when he was caught
4. He acted like I was crazy and paranoid
5. He belittled me repeatedly
6. He left me just when I needed him most (that's a song too)!
7. He had another person in my bed, told her he loved her,  made fun of me and said he didn't care if I came home and caught them.
8. He spent our household money on drugs and alcohol when he was with he behind my back.
9. He continued to blame me throughout.
10. He has been disrespectful and emotionally abusive.

I'm sure I will think of more but that's a good start.

[Blossoming]

please excuse me while I record some uncomfortable feelings. I'm mad and sad that the other woman gets to keep her husband, her home and her pets while I've basically lost everything. My whole house is tainted besides this one tiny room that I'm sure they didn't go in for their sordid affair. Once my house sells I will not be able to keep my dogs because I'm sure I will be in an apartment. I don't even know where I will live but I'm moving away from this city because I have no family here. I don't even feel comfortable keeping most of the furniture because they talked about their 'lovemaking' in my living room! Ok I'm done for now.
I'm ready to get back on track with my life and self care.

[sanmagic7]

o, blossoming, your name reflects the woman you have become so far.  if it were my place, i'd be proud of you, too.  you did it, my dear.  kudos and congrats.  what an accomplishment.  what a victory! 

i'm sorry about your house being sullied.  i know what that feels like.  and i think your list is brilliant.  it can be so easy to ignore those negatives, remember the positives and want to go back thinking it might be different this time.  you may have to give up your house, but you gained so much re: self-respect, a positive example for your daughter, the courage and determination to see it all through, the strength you showed that will always be with you now.  i understand it's not the same, but it's shown that warrior woman spirit that we know and love.

and  pooh! to that other woman!   she certainly isn't happy in her marriage, even tho she gets to 'keep' her husband.   you've done exceptionally well with this. sweetie.  love and hugs, always. 

[Blossoming]

Those words were such a comfort , more than you know, sanmagic7.
I'm visiting my parents right now and even though it's a bit triggering it's good to be away while he is hopefully moving out. I haven't heard from him which is good. I'm going to try going no contact and if he needs to discuss business about selling the house and related stuff I've asked my brother to be our intermediary. We work for the same company so I'm going to try to find someone to be an intermediary there too. Thursday after we decided to separate he texted me about how sorry he was for hurting me and I asked him to keep it all business. Yesterday he asked when I was leaving to see my parents and when I asked why he wanted to know he replied that he was going to see if I wanted to have dinner with him. I just think no contact would be best because all I have the strength for right now is to hold down my full time job and take care of myself. I'm all drama'd out! It been nice to get away.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blossoming, it sounds to me like nc with him might be a really good idea.  go out to dinner with him?  sounds like hoovering to me.  he blew it, he had his chances, he's had years to be nice to you.   

i love the idea that you have intermediaries for any kind of business stuff.  excellent idea!  i'll have to keep that in mind (i still own a house w/ my narc ex, and my narc daughter is living there right now, as far as i know.  i don't want to be around either of them!  ugh!)   also so glad you got away from there for a bit, and hope he's all gone by the time you go back.  you're doing great, sweetie.   although it's a sad situation on one level, i'm very happy for you on another level.      sending you a sweet little bouquet of violets (february's flower) for a job well done.  big hug!!!

[Blossoming]

Thanks for the virtual flowers sanmagic7! Here are some fireworks for you for being such a huge help to me through all of this! 

I just got home and H isn't here but it doesn't look like he has moved out either. I should have known it wouldn't be easy. I suppose I will ask him when he is moving when I see him next. On Wednesday night he said he needed a couple of days so I think I've given him long enough. He has plenty of family and friends he could stay with but all of my family is 2-3 hours away.

[sanmagic7]

LOVE the fireworks!  thanks!

so, it sounds like he's going to prolong this, possibly to get you to weaken?  it sounds like a time to be careful and alert.  you've done so well so far.  i'm thinking he can't believe it, how great you've done, how determined you've become, how you've called him on his crapola, confronted him and my guess is he'll try everything in his bag of tricks to make this back under his control. 

i don't know if this is your cup of tea, but i have heard of people who have given a definite day for the other to move out, warned them what would happen if they didn't, and when they haven't, they found all their stuff out front and the locks changed.   sometimes drastic situations call for drastic measures.   i don't like how he's messing with your head now.  grrrr!   just something to think about.

stay strong and remember your list.  staying right beside you!  big hug, blossoming!

[Blossoming]

Oh my sanmagic7, how right you are! He asked me if I wanted to go go watch the super bowl with him tonight to which is said "absolutely Not and you were supposed to be moved out by now" which was followed by a bunch of excuses. I think he is in complete denial. I'm going to give him a date that's real soon that I expected him to be moved out by as you suggest! Thanks a million.

[sanmagic7]

this stuff is so sneaky and insidious.  as nice a person as we like to be, sometimes we have to take a hard line.  i know (i've had to do stuff like this myself) that it can feel bad or wrong, or like we're bad people for putting up tough boundaries, but the others don't get it if we don't.

my hub, who's a recovering druggie, told me a long time ago that if someone offers you something that you don't want, it's imperative to say 'no' immediately.  if we hesitate, it gives the other person the idea that you're on the fence and that there's a chance to wear you down if they're persistent.   i've never forgotten that, cuz i used to try to let people down gently, over and over and over, etc., and somehow i'd find myself back in the thick of it.

just make sure, if you give him an ultimatum with consequences, that you're prepared to follow through.  i'm right behind you, blossoming - got your back.  big hug!

[Blossoming]

You're so right about boundaries sanmagic7. I'm still learning but I think I'm getting better.
The last three days I've done better eating and sleeping so that's positive. I can tell I'm still grieving but I'm sure that is normal.

[sanmagic7]

i'm sure the grieving is normal, too.  it's a big loss.  and, with what you've been writing, it's evident that you're doing really well with your boundaries.  glad to hear, also, that you're beginning to 'normalize' a bit with eating and sleeping.  so very important to keep our strength and energy up when we're doing this hard work.

keep at  it.  you're doing soooo good!  hugs!