Post acute withdrawal syndrome(PAWS)

[RJ_McReady]

Hi
Im new here, I have actually only recently discovered the term, C-PTSD. I knew I had PTSD but developmental PTSD absolutely, 100% describes what I was suffering from all this time. Anyway Im deep into my recovery at this stage but I have found I am experiencing something that I had never heard about either. Its called post accute withdrawal syndrome(PAWS).  As part of my own trauma story I developed an eating disorder. I had this for 15 years. When i did start to recover from the ED, I experienced PAWS. I had always thought that when I recovered Id sail off into the sunset and all would be well..........didnt happen. In fact once I had overcome the behaviors things got really bad. I entered into what philosophers off old, called A dark night of the soul. This went on for months. I honestly thought I was losing my mind at the time. It was horrendous. I'd wake up in the middle of the night feeling terrified and like nothing mattered in life and never would again. Its hard to describe the feeling, it was just this all over pain in my body and mind. Then when that subsided I entered a phase where One minute Id feel fine, the next Id be afraid and full of despair.  Then a few minutes would pass and Id feel ok again. This kept happening, day after day, week after week. I could be doing something like playing football and all of a sudden I'd be hi-jacked by this feeling. And when it happened it felt like it would never end, even though it did. I got EMDR therapy, I read books, I meditated, I did yoga. But nothing seemed to make a dent in this feeling. I mean I could manage myself while it happened, and not fall into despair or anything. The biggest thing I learned was to never, ever judge what was happening. If you do that you are dead. Its like laying layers and layers over the original feeling until its so big and heavy that it drags you down a hole you cant get out of. I surrendered to the feelings and didnt judge them. I'll be honest, I was raised a catholic and when I was 18 I left the church and never wanted anything to do with ever again. But in those moments when I was being hi-jacked, I would pray to Jesus or God or whoever to watch over me and stay at my side while this was happening. I didnt mind taking the pain and everything that came with it, just so that someone had my back and was looking out for me. And thats the way it felt. I Stayed with the pain and the scariness, I cried for the first time since I was 8 years old. I felt grief that scared the * out of me, I faced it all and I accepted everything that came my way. I have never taken medication, I knew from the beginning of all of this that I needed to do it clean and straight, with no crutches or distractions.  You know that expression, it will get worse before it gets better.............I learned the hard way that this is true. At times I thought I wasn't doing recovery "right" because it was so painful and scary. But something told me to keep going and not go back to where I was.
I went through different stages and literally every day I felt like more and more layers where being pealed away. I looked back on my life as it had been and it was terrifying. I honestly believe I had come that close to slipping away and allowing my life to slide down the crapper and never coming back. I couldnt believe how I had lived the way I had and not noticed it. It was scary. And maybe someday I'll look back at where I am right now and think the same thing.

But now Im at a stage where I believe Im in either the middle of or near the end of Paws. Its hard to tell from where I am. But I am being hi-jacked less, and when it happens I have the awareness to allow it to be and not freak out. Also I have discovered another part of myself. Ive read about this too, but only after I had experienced it for myself. I see that I am the "Observer". The person who sees all the chaos that goes on when I am Hi-jacked and stays calm and guides me back to steadiness and peace. Its like I am hi-jacked one minute for whatever reasons, and while im in the middle of this, I Feel the presences of the observer. He's like a big brother putting an arm around a little brother whos freaking out, and calms him down. Its not blocking out the emotions, its just like watching them pass by and not getting hooked into them and dragged along.

So for me I still think I have a ways to go yet. I read that Paws can last up to two years and I have a feeling it will be that long for me. But all the while I feel more integrated and steady. Like I used to feel like there was a big gaping hole inside of me, but now thats gone. I dont act out and try and fill that hole with things or people anymore and the phase where I felt like I was existing in an abyss where nothing meant anything is gone. I feel like my brain is re-wiring itself and soon, some day I'll realise that tghe raging torrent that was inside of me is now at peace.

I write all of this because when I was in the depth of my dark night of the soul, I didnt know what was happening. Nobody told me about this. It was only after the worst of it had passed that I read about what exactly this is. It would've been nice to have someones story to refer to and reassure me at that time. It wouldve made things a lot less scary. So if you identify with any of my story and you feel like you are losing your mind and you're being hi-jacked by intense feelings of despair, hopelessness and terror.............dont freak out. It'll be ok, just let it happen and all the while that it does, remember not to judge what you are experiencing, just allow it to be.  And i promise it will pass, and remember you are the observer, not that raging torrent. And when you allow all of this, little by little you will start to feel better and hopeful and you'll experience joy and love more. And then if you stay with it, pretty soon you'll start to welcome any experience you have and then when that happens you will have broken the spell that was cast upon you when you were too young to know what was happening.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome to the forum, RJ!

i had not heard of PAWS before, so thanks for bringing this up. very interesting! and you give excellent advice about holding on and riding it out - so glad you joined us!

[Manchesterford]

Thank you for sharing. I'm experiencing something very similar. I'm learning to stay with it and not allow myself to judge or look further.  I have recently started tapping which I think could help release the emotion.

[zoekaftan]

Wow, this is a much better description of what I had been feeling than I ever came up with. I struggle a lot to find the right words, it's so frustrating. I didn't realize that PAWS could present itself like that and for an ED. It makes sense to me though. I don't have an ED but I do eat terrible junk half the time, because it calms me down. I've tried to quit eating junk and it's impossible for me right now.

I am glad you wrote this and that I found it, this is the kind of stuff I've felt like I needed to know about.

[Eyessoblue]

Wow ... I've never heard of paws but is sounds very much like what I'm going through at the moment and have been for the last few months. I felt like you were talking about me there for some of the things you mentioned!