Surviving Character Assassination

[Contessa]

Absolutely understood

[Contessa]

Quick question.

In regard to the fact that the sociopath (in mine and others strong opinions of course) was approached by this other person and asked directly if they are engaging in bullying (as I mentioned in panic last week), truthfully... there is always a consequence. What could I expect next?

At this stage meeting has been postponed for a few days.

[sanmagic7]

unfortunately, there's no telling what to expect next.  ever.  maybe something, maybe nothing, but i don't have a clue.  those people are so volatile in their interpretations of what is said to them, it's hard to say where they may take it.  it could be something like covertly undermining you at some point, or overtly confronting you about something in an intimidating manner.  or, like i said, it could be nothing if they think that someone now knows and is watching.  they are so good at changing tack on a dime, doing what's necessary to keep themselves safe and hidden as to their true selves.

whatever might or might not come down, just stay being careful as best you can.  it sounds like you've been doing quite well at that so far.  keep up the good work.  totally on your side with this!

[radical]

ditto the above.

If this person was a narcissist, I'd predict DARVO, but a sociopath has greater flexibility.

Having said that,  we can't predict anything really,  we can only know that we are okay and have the resources to respond with integrity.

[Contessa]

Ah okay. Everything has been so unpredictable so far, this has scared me indeed. Particularly the fixed stare he gave me last week, went on for minutes. I found out he had been spoken to about an hour later.

Had to look up DARVO, and yes he did that in our private conversations when I'd bring up an issue where his behaviour was hurting me. Funnily, the first time it was just an issue that needed clarification but he abused me. Publically, I can only piece things together. I did think he was only (comparatively, ha) a narc for a long time, but the cold psych call has elevated that to sociopath.

I've spent months showing my face to people to give them a chance to make up their own minds, but its not working. Quite the opposite in fact. Few talk to me at all, but confusingly they have sometimes started to say hi when there are other people around. My next door neighbour has been approached at her very public workplace, by someone removed from the direct scene, and they have twice attempted to start a gossip session about me over the last couple of months.

Showing my face is actually hurting me, not saving me. I have decided to work from home now so I can focus, but am not sure if this will do further harm than good. It seems immediately safe, but longer term i'm not sure. Do you have an opinion on this?

Thank you Radical and Sanmagic. You are a massive comfort for me.

[sanmagic7]

i had to look up DARVO as well.  boy, am i familiar w/ that one!  that is really ugly, an ugly thing to do as well as to feel.  really pulls out the rug from under one.

ya know, contessa, thinking on your question :  safer at home for now, but what about long term consequences?  so far, everything you've done while there you say keeps making things worse.  what kinds of long term consequences could be worse than this escalation of abuse?  would you lose your job?  not get invited to an office party?  be shunned?

i'm not trying to be funny, but i don't know how your office/job works.  i think you mentioned that you have one project you're working on that may take 2 more years (i've never worked in such a capacity in an office, so i really don't know what this means or entails).  do you have a project partner?  is there someone you need to interact with on this project?  it's not that i need to know these answers but in order to give an opinion on long-term consequences, it would help to know what those consequences might actually be.  for right now, i'm a little stuck for opinions.  sorry.

on the other hand, i don't think it's a bad idea that you're doing what you need to do to keep yourself safe.  it just sounds awful, what's going on in that place.  i don't blame you.  i've adopted a policy of making it as easy for myself as possible.  it sounds like working at home is just that.  hang tough, contessa.  hanging with you!!!

[Contessa]

Thanks Sanmagic. I read your post a few days ago, have thought on your questions rhetorically... and then managed to stay completely focused on my work without any silly distractions, ha.

I knew you weren't trying to be funny. When not being abused I'm experiencing those things at a colleague level anyway, except not on the larger department level. Decided to give those things a miss for now anyway for my sanity.

It is my project so plenty of independent work, though I will need to be present for regular meetings with the shunning colleagues, and reporting to the boss.

For the last few days i've been able to remove myself and cut communications to everyone, so have been able to grasp a sense of safety. So far so good, but its only a few days in so far.

Yeah DARVO, strange feeling having such intimate familiarity with a concept described in an acronym you've never heard of before.

[Contessa]

Just had the meeting. One member did not show up. Focus was entirely on strategies for myself which I really don't need to discuss.

The message I took from this was I am being treated as the mentally unstable one here. To me what he has done and what he is doing appears to be of no concern.

[radical]

God, I wish it was different. 

The understanding of this kind of abuse is about where domestic violence was in the early 70s.  Back then there were the first glimmerings of awareness and some people were speaking out, a few lucky people were supporting each other, but as far as the community was concerned, and in the public domain and health services, police etc.,, the focus was firmly on pathologising and blaming the victim, when injuries and how they occurred couldn't be explained away.

It's so weird, and it goes with every kind of abuse - examples 'out there' somewhere, other countries, other parts of town where 'people like us' don't live, most people are dead against abuse, will be morally outraged by it, yet those same people will do everything they can to deny, minimise, justify, and cover up for abusers in their own social groups, and hurt those being abused so badly in doing so.  It is just so much easier to blame the person being tormented, no-one is threatened by this approach, no boats are rocked, everything stays the same.  It goes on and on.  But name an abuser, describe abuse in the present tense, while the person is still alive, and you are considered completely beyond the pale.  "Kind" people take the pseudo-sympathetic approach - you are unstable and mentally ill, imagining things.....  god, I'd so much prefer to be considered nasty and deliberately defaming the person concerned, it would be less harmful, I could at least get decently angry right back at them.   

After my father died, my siblings and I talked about his abuse for the first time.  Serious abuse, pretty much continuous. Why did he need to be dead?  He wasn't any threat when he was elderly and infirm, but he was still seriously psychologically tormenting my sister, the one who was trying hardest to look after him.  We could have joined together and stopped it when we were adults, we could have supported each other, we might have even had something more than superficial relationships with each other based on never telling the truth.  why?

I'm sorry to go off on a tangent, and I'm not wanting to divert from your situation.  It feels relevant to me.   Why do people default to denial and protect the abusers in their own sphere?   Isn't it in most people's interests to stand together against abuse?  I know part of it is fearing the consequences, but there wouldn't be such consequences if most people stood up to this sh#*.  The worst consequences come from the fact that people wont or can't.  Which costs those who do so dearly.

I wish the meeting had been different, Contessa.  You deserved it to be.

[Contessa]

Hey no worries Radical, go off on that tangent. I was going off on many tangents in other people's posts quite a lot months ago, and it was unbelievably helpful in the long run to process something that was a stimulus to think from someone else's experience.

I think you are right, the easy path is the one that appears to be taken so as not to rock the boat. Unfortunately, I've been through this before so it is hardly surprising. In fact, I was in a situation with a dynamic similar to that of you and your sister with your father at one point, and yes, we did not once speak of anything until the end. Why did we not talk sooner indeed. What was it that stopped us? Is there a pattern emerging here

What people don't realise is that by not rocking the boat, they make the victims life a much bigger * than what they were living in with the abuse. They, we, did not deserve the abuse in the first place. We certainly don't need more from others when we are trying to save ourselves, that's what destroys what resilience there is left. Its destroyed me before in fact.

So although there was no real positive or constructive outcome, i'll take the silver lining in that things did not get worse. They are the same. I have taken the steps to look after myself and that appear to be working for the end goal I have in mind. As for him, we can only hope he has a new target for the pattern of behaviour to emerge now that I have withdrawn. Unfortunately it will happen, but I doubt they will clue in as quickly.

Thanks Radical, again it was a comfort to read your words of support I hope you are going okay right now.

[sanmagic7]

contessa, i'm just so glad it wasn't worse, and that you're out of there and taking care of yourself. 

as far as rocking the boat, i can't tell you how many times that's exactly what i did and peoples' reactions went from tsk-tsking to being appalled and everything in between.  i don't know what their problem with it was, but i'm guessing there's some kind of fear involved.  once i was visiting a friend who lives in a military town.  she always spoke of these families as if they ruled the place, and no regular people ever went against them.  we went to the mall one day, and as we walked thru the first store, i could hear a little kid screaming in distress.  as we walked thru the store to the mall proper, the screaming continued and increased in volume.  it turned out that there was some kind of baby-seat bouncing thing that these adults had a little kid, two at the most, in the seat, and were pulling on the bungee cords and bouncing him at least 20 ft. in the air.  the kid was terrified!  this had been happening for 15 min. at least.  i couldn't stand it, said to the 'mom'  "don't you know how dangerous that is?"  she spit back some cussing to mind my own business, but the other people brought the baby to a stop.  he lay on the floor looking like he was passed out.  i truly didn't know if he had died.

my friend just stood there while this was going on and afterwards told me how brave i was for saying something.  i said 'what were they going to do to me in the mall - shoot me?'  she continued to be in awe, told others about it.  i don't know, it just seems that when it's the right thing to do, you just do it, especially when a child is involved.    boat-rockers, unite!!!

so, yeah, calling someone out on something that isn't right is just so frightening to so many, but absolutely the victims become more layered in victimization when it's not done.  i think we're losing our sense of outrage at the wrongs of this world, or in our little worlds.  we've been conditioned so well to keep quiet, it's not our business, leave it alone, it's someone else's problem.  the term 'outrageous' has taken on a new meaning.  i think it used to mean something to be outraged about.  so much is getting lost, and we all suffer because of it.  off my soapbox for now.  i'm just glad your meeting wasn't horrible.  and i hope you both know i'm not judging anyone for not bringing up issues sooner in their families.   i've looked the other way my own fair share of times. 

[Contessa]

Thank you Sanmagic.

It could be fear yes. It could be self preservation. Sometimes all it takes is one person to speak up for the crowd to follow, but they will not take the initiative to speak up themselves. That's the key thing here, the terror of the child. The 'bravery' required to speak up is nothing compared to the level of terror that child is experiencing, and it is upsetting to think that several onlookers will do nothing because it's 'not their business', or 'they don't want to upset anyone', or whatever. Well, that child is already upset and experiencing something much, much worse before we intervene. It will only get worse for them if we don't.

No judgement taken. Sometimes it is safer to keep quiet, I know that too. Sometimes stepping back and letting someone figure it out on their own is what's needed too. Letting them know you are there for them is enough.

Anyhoo, back to work. Its been a good few days for it.

[Contessa]

So I have received a follow up email from the meeting where one person was not present, summarising what was discussed. Well, that's what I was told I would receive.

So instead of formulating strategies for my safety in the office space, with staff members, we could only go through my personal strategies that I really did not need to talk about. The resulting summary reads like a behavioural management contract on my part. It is a summary of what I "made clear/agreed to", and there is a list of "You will... You will... You will..."

My personal strategies are not a professional contract, I should have just left the meeting. I feel like I was railroaded.

[radical]

Contessa you were set up for this from within a no-win situation.

I do know how it feels, the people who do this are literally bullet-proof.  If you have the ruthlessness, lack of conscience and 10,000 hour expertise in manipulation, you can spend  lot of time putting your feet up and watching the show  while a bunch of (often well-meaning) dingbats carry on your nasty work for you, in good freaking faith!

This isn't forever,I know you are strong, but is there any way you could get away and do something else without too much loss?

[Contessa]

Probably. I'm already losing so much as it is.

This is why I said nothing in the first place.