Surviving Character Assassination

[Contessa]

Oh boy...

I'm getting the same message from others. I'm dumbfounded.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with radical.  the insidiousness of narcs and putting into play their various agendas can't be beat, figured out, or understood.  i believe you as well that there has been a neg. campaign against you.  buying into it in any way only means that you're playing their game, and they're the only ones who 'win', because they not only make the rules, they break and change the rules at will.  no one can keep up with that.

as much as you can stay focused on your own work, and away from what might be going on around you will be, i think, your best bet.  keep your discussions work-related.  i know it can feel lonely doing that, but, as radical says, stay staunch.  this, too, shall pass. 

in my relationships with narcs, i, too, was often dumbfounded, confused, and befuddled.  i don't think those are rare feelings.  i hope you can take heart in the fact that their actions only make perfect sense to themselves.   i just feel so bad for you that you have to be going thru this.  it sucks.

[Contessa]

Thank you Sanmagic7.

Despite my utter confusion, what you have said seems to make sense.

Trying so hard to stay work focused. This keeps coming back to bite me. Any interaction I have with anyone has a consequence. Very disappointed that those in question were spoken to before me, when I had specifically asked for discretion. Now that they have been spoken to, I can only expect things to get much much worse.

Thank you again.

[radical]

Hi Contessa,

Best case scenario - this is a series of troubling coincidences and they are over now.  You have been in a relationship with a colleague and broken up.  People understand how stressful that is.  It will all blow over.  How many people do you know who have been reactive during a stressful period in their lives, and overreacted.  Didn't you just forget about it afterwards because it was out of character and just one of those things?

I don't think that this is what happened here, but it might be useful to move forward as if it was.  Be friendly, but don't explain.  Please take my advice and stop talking about this to anyone with any involvement.  You will likely dig a hole for yourself and then fall into it.  He would then take it from there. That would be game, set and match.  These people never lose, with luck they get bored.

In one of your earliest posts you described your ex as either a malignant narc or a psychopath (I can't remember which but in their effects, there isn't much difference).  I hope you are aware of how dangerous these people are.  Keep as far away as you can, and maintain a polite but distant persona.  You can't win, but you can survive this and later, thrive.  You have been amazing.  Your buttons have been relentlessly pushed by a vicious, master manipulator, but you've kept your head.  Don't underestimate how much strength that takes.

Sanmagic has put it better, below.

[Contessa]

Every time I have had enough, and knuckle down... bang! I think I have to just leave. I have already lost.

To clarify, when you gave me that advice I felt I had said enough and have had quite a good work focus. Your advice of not talking to anyone, approaching anyone, and keeping a professional work focus, was taken very seriously and I felt that I did do that. Anyone that asks me how I am going, I am going very well. I did not go out of my way to speak to people as you as you strongly advised, and have kept things vague and brief when approached. With your advice in mind, I did say no to further discussion, unfortunately a meeting has been planned. This person was brought into the circle, not by me. I let this new person speak to me and I listened giving as little info to them as possible. I do think it is well and truly 'game over'.

However, something did happen a few days ago. The girl he was seeing behind my back, a very very young innocent sweet girl, was just starting to open up to me about how badly he has currently been treating her (paralleling my situation), but has not transitioned into overt abuse... I believe that avenue has been well and truly shut down with this new person speaking to them, and she has gone back to him. My gut says that is now an absolutely no go situation, even if she does approach me and open up to me again. But have you had experience with that?

I don't think that this is what happened here, but it might be useful to move forward as if it was.

Yeah, been my mindset for months, still getting better at it, but the nasties keep coming. Those I have spoken to have honoured the discretion I asked for, and I did not talk to these people flippantly.

I do realise how dangerous this is. I obviously cannot diagnose him, but he is certainly following the trends. I do not speak to him, I do keep away. I do think that even nothing I tell you here is of any use now. The meeting tomorrow is trying to look at strategies to move forward, i'll hear what needs to be said, then make my decision as to whether I can safely stay on. My gut says no.

I need to stop thinking about this right now...

[Contessa]

Actually that last message tells me I am not okay. Not at all.

[radical]

I don't want to make things worse.  I don't want you to be more alarmed than necessary. 

Getting inside out heads and playing with our fears can be a big part of the game.  I've been triggered back into the obsessive ruminating and need to thought block myself.

The person who bullied me did huge harm to me in every aspect of my life.  It is a potential outcome in this kind of situation, but not the only potential outcome.   It does mean I have strong feelings.  I think it also means I'm in danger of being more harm than help.  Fuelling unnecessary fear is destructive no matter what.  I'm sorry, I seem to have done that.

[Contessa]

Radical I do believe what you pass on is out of genuine concern, and with the wisdom of experience. You have done an amazing job of educating me in relation to this experience and I do thank you profusely for it. You are an amazing ally.

The extreme you describe does not seem far fetched at all, I need to be prepared for it and do all I can to limit it. Because of you I have taken as much care as possible, and the help I have enlisted has been requested to be that of cautious observer, not active interrogator. Unfortunately a slip up has occured and I do feel that I will be in danger.

I need a complete change of tact now. No discussions with anyone one on one. Only in threes at least. The strategies I have implemented so far, be seen, be unemotional, have been the right ones. Be work focused and absolutely no socialisation at all, AT ALL, needs to be done now.

Will see what results from this meeting, but I do think that there will be a big consequence coming my way as a result of that new person asking. After all, there always has been. Oh dear me.

Thank you radical!

[sanmagic7]

contessa, best of luck with the upcoming meeting.  i can only hope and wish that it goes smoothly, and  whatever it is that you discover, i know you will deal with it.  i agree that you have done an amazing job so far of surviving this tornado even while in the midst of it.  and, it sounds like you have a good idea of what you need to do to keep yourself safe.  hangin' right beside you!

[Contessa]

Thank you Sanmagic. All we have is hope. Your support has been indespensible, and like Radical, would not have made it this far without your wisdom and guidance.

Overall I do not expect a positive resolution, this mess has gone too far.

Radical, please let me know how you are going when you're ready.

[radical]

I'm feeling okay.  at peace.  I had a good cry in the oddest of circumstances but it felt like a relief.
I'm safe, everything is okay.  It's finally stopped raining after three weeks, and the greens outside are almost surreal.
Horrible experiences seem to live on in my body long after the fact.  It's so good when I can let some of it go!

You really are doing brilliantly Contessa- stars and stamps all over the place!  (-do they still use those in the age of computers)?
it's going to be alright.  It seems that learning to ride the rapids is the path to peace.

[Contessa]

I'm glad to hear it Radical. I understand that mix of emotions and how it can cause physical havoc, i'm sorry if I triggered you.

I would not have made it this far without you and Sanmagic. I had a rough start by constantly being in fight mode when this started, have made some 'mistakes' along the way (in terms of dealing with a sociopath and not a person without a PD) and although a lot of damage has been done because of those responses, you have been instrumental in settling that fight response down.

Those stars and stamps rightfully belong to you and Sanmagic too.

I'm hanging in there, feel okay because my trigger response has reduced significantly in the past few months, but I am clearly not okay because he has been told now about this.

What have I got in store next? ...

[sanmagic7]

life just keeps coming at us, doesn't it!?!  always something around the corner.  but, honestly, contessa, you're sounding much stronger now, more sure of yourself, and i have a strong feeling that whatever decides to show its face, you'll manage it.  you've shown so much growth thru this experience.  i've heard that mistakes are simply opportunities for learning, and it seems that that's exactly what you've done with them.  good for you!   big hug! 

[Contessa]

Thank you thank you thank you Sanmagic.

Again, only got this far because of you, and have looked forward to yours and Radical's advice at every step of the way, you have both prepared me for what has always come next, and I hope that you are both still here until this thing finally ends! I am in your debt. 

A terrible experience but a valuable one. Well prepared to pay the wisdom forward now, sad as that is.

[sanmagic7]

will be here unless something stops me, but it won't be my choice.  keep going - you're doing swell!