Surviving Character Assassination

[radical]

To be honest, it really is an uphill battle.  If your ex is a malignant narc the odds aren't in your favour.  Is there any chance he will leave?  Or would upper management choose you over him? 

I could be wrong about what is going on in your workplace.  Keep that caveat in mind as you read the rest.

I don't want to make you feel worse, but  most people in your situation leave because of the damage to their health. Having been in this situation with cPTSD, I'm concerned about the extra toll it is likely to take on yours.  This has nothing to do with your strength, but about his malignancy.  I found reading 'The Wisdom of Psychopaths' useful for understanding the huge advantages his condition give him in these kinds of situations.  It has nothing to do with brains or ability.  Your best chance is for him to get bored with it.  You could sustain a huge amount of damage, even if you are able to get to that point, and you may never feel safe even then.

I'm not weak, I've survived a lot, yet after everything I've been through, it broke me.  I managed to stop the worst for a while, but i know it would have started again, so I set out a plan for leaving on my terms, and  in the end she finished off what she began anyway.  I don't believe I had any option but to leave, and it was only knowing it wasn't going to last forever that allowed me the distance to be able to sit back, plan, and observe and gather useful information for achieving my goals.  That and a couple of other things temporarily tipped the balance in my favour.  It wouldn't have lasted.  I followed professional advice and focused on getting my money out and eventually cut contact with everyone concerned.  In previous comments, I was hoping your situation might be different and trying to be encouraging, and painted a selectively rosy picture on that basis. I didn't want to alarm or discourage you because you were, and still are, doing so brilliantly.  It might well be different.

Have you been to Bully Online or the Workplace Bullying Institute for information?  I was hoping this might be a passing post break up thing, it still might be, but it sounds like he might be systematically setting up a mobbing to push you out.  I think it might be wise to read up on this.   I very much hope I'm wrong,  but I think, if you haven't already, you do need to find out exactly what you might be up against, and what your options are and make some decisions about how long you can realistically keep going with this.  Forewarned is forearmed.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.  I don't want to press send.

[Contessa]

Thanks Radical

I do like your perception, and no nonsense posts. Fluff doesn't do me well.

I'm thinking of options now. I'm not upset right now but it is clear that playing dumb has run its course. Today another co-worker has reared his ugly head. Got me uninvited to a social gathering that was set up initially by me and a few other people, and today went and had a long pow wow with one of the socio/narc/whatever he is ex's minions that I was playing dumb to, and who is always 'busy' when I ask him how he's going.

So that's two bullies, about five followers, and that's not mentioning a third bully in another significant professional setting of mine. That's another story in itself.

So I do think that its not worth my health.

[sanmagic7]

your situation sucks, and that's the best i can say about it.  you are not alone in this, absolutely not. 

as far as winning, i see that as subjective.  if you come out feeling good about yourself. no matter which direction that takes, in my mind, you won.  that's what i ultimately hope for for you.  your ex, no matter his tactics, will never feel good about himself.  he may 'win' small, physical victories in this scene, but the ultimate goal/victory is your feelings about yourself.  hangin' right beside you on this one, contessa.

[Contessa]

Thanks Sanmagic

Yeah. I'm just astounded. This is so bloody strange. This other bully harassed me many times about a year and a half ago, and it only stopped when I reported him. He hasn't left like I though he would, so I made the first move for diplomacy which seemed to be fine... clearly not.

I have a year and a half of my project left, i'm actually technically on leave at the moment... I need to get out

[Contessa]

So sorry, i'm reading what you are all saying and I do understand and appreciate everything.

My responses are a bit off I know. This just feels surreal more than anything. I've already been cut down so much over the years, fought so many battles (like everyone here)... and instead of issues being resolved they just compound. Its so weird.

[sanmagic7]

it just sounds horrible.  hang tough!  do what you need to do to keep yourself as safe as possible.

[radical]

It's so cruel and unfair.  All I can say is I feel for you.

Do get informed about bullying an mobbing and compare what you read with your own situation.  It's hard because we can't predict the future and there is always so much in a group situation that we can't know.

If you decide that what is happening conforms to what you read about psychopathic bullying/or and mobbing you will need to make some tough decisions about how best to respond.

Everyone's situation is different, but for me, even if the narc was unmasked tomorrow, and everyone came to understand who she is, (which is about as likely as peace breaking out across the world), the damage to my reputation in my community would not be significantly changed.  There were too many bystanders that became unwittingly involved in promulgating the misinformation and smears and they have a real investment in not believing that they could have inadvertently caused an innocent person harm.  One of the worst offenders in my case was someone I call Reverend Dingbat.  This high-profile, highly respected cleric became the narcs second biggest supporter, and has gone a long way out of her way to support this person.  She considers me to be insane.  Nothing is going to change her view, because she doesn't have the self-knowledge to understand how she became an instrument of psychological warfare.  It would be too threatening to her view of the world and of herself.

I could have limited the damage to myself, by getting out as soon as I realised I was under attack.  Over this time I have seen things I wouldn't have believed possible, levels of deceit, malice, sabotage, manipulation and wilful blindness, that I would only expect to ever see in movies.  History has been rewritten.  The only person still (sort of) speaking to me is the new target.  He doesn't understand what is going on.  Yet while I was still there i saw the new process start to unfold. I watched him lose confidence, withdraw, make mistakes, and worst of all, I watched as people's attitude towards him came to change, in subtle ways at first, but the momentum builds.  He was probably the most popular person before he was targeted.  The narc will move more slowly and cautiously this time.  I believe it will be drawn out and crazy-making in the extreme, and that there won't be a damn thing he can do about it.

One last thing.  Most of these people are good, kind, and ethical.  They are highly educated, and well respected not at all the sorts of people anyone would expect could be duped and manipulated.

[Contessa]

I've read what you said Radical, and I think it may have reached that stage.

Have thought a lot about this issue, and what you are saying. Also talked to a few people as well.  One happened to be a staff member who was there when something happened. I apparently  have to report this, and I really don't want to.

Also got a very nasty surprise after all of that this afternoon, and by that, it cements my need to report... and yes, I don't want to.

Its clear I have two separate bully groups (or what definitely feels like it), to deal with here. The third bully... that crisis is temporarily averted for now, and no longer relevant to this setting. Sigh.

[Contessa]

And another thing, yeah I was trying to keep this as light and positive as I could too, as serious an issue as it is. Looks like that is no more, ha.

[radical]

I'm really sorry Contessa.
It's so unfair.  Sending every kind of good thought,  warm wish and prayer.
You are a good, strong, wise woman.  I know I haven't met you but I know it.

[Contessa]

Thanks again radical.

As much as I'm trying to move, my body has decided this is too much.  I think i'm experiencing the physical symptoms of depression without mentally feeling it. Ie I don't feel the deep sadness, but I can't do my work, sleep far too much, am not happy, can't talk to anyone, my house is a mess, and am now spending my day in bed staring at the walls.

Not good.

[Three Roses]

Here with you 

It's so unfair, so frustrating. I'm sorry to hear you're going thru this.

[radical]

It's gutting.  I felt like it was the end when it happened to me.  It may be hard to believe now, but it does get easier.
None of this is a reflection of your value as a person.  You may be a threat to be eliminated, but being a threat to people like this might come to seem like a compliment one day.  Truly.

I felt like it was the last taboo when it was happening.  I felt more separated from humanity than I have ever felt. Hardly anyone talks about this, yet it does happen to others, and they've lived to tell the tale.  Unfortunately it's a story we can only tell to those who know how vicious, cunning and dishonest some (highly plausible) people can be, and a lot of people are in denial about that.

I had to have a psych evaluation from a psychiatrist about a month ago for a new treatment. She was truly lovely.  I had to go through my whole life.  Then I told her about this.  I didn't know how she'd respond,  but she knew all about adult bullying and mobbing,  and exactly the kind of person I was talking about and how they operate.  I cried and I don't cry easily.  She said "you were a threat to her".  I said, "no, I was a just soft target".  She shook her head sadly and said, no Radical you were  threat, and then explained why.  I felt so validated and soothed.  To be believed and understood by someone who had never met me before, and for her to deem that it wasn't because I was weak and defective, that she believed the opposite was true - it meant the world to me.

One moment, one step, one day at a time.  We are here with you, Contessa.

[Contessa]

Thank you Three Roses

And thank you too, and again Radical (warm fuzzy hug)

I've been told that i'm a threat before. I can also see it sometimes in the behaviour of other people... and it is utterly ridiculous!!

A new friend told me recently that he found my intelligence intimidating, and so he was a bit afraid of me. I've noticed good friends say this to me. Threatened 'friends' pull back and try to take me out, and these other guys have done it both professionally and personally. I don't understand why it even starts.

The last couple of days I have shrunk away in a hole, my little cone of silence. Then last night, unusually, I was included in something... and I stopped caring. I know I'm not going to be included in pretty much anything else, but I do thrive on social interactions with friends. I hope I can keep this not caring business up... I doubt they'll get over this ridiculous idea that i'm a treat too.

Thanks again
Note to brain... keep not caring please!!!

[sanmagic7]

i'll second that!  keep not caring, please.

i've also been perceived as a threat by many, and what i believe now is that it's on them.   it's their insecurity, their own inner demons, or their personal issues that make them think that way.  it's horse pucky! 

keep not caring, please.  i wonder how angry you really are about all this - might you be stuffing, holding back, trying to ignore or deny?  hiding it behind the pain, hurt, and confusion?  that could cause those depression-like symptoms you're talking about.  my bed has taken a lot of pounding as i've encountered various situations and realizations.  best to you with all this, contessa.