Is this the right push towards recovery?

[tea-the-artist]

It just feels like I'm being pushed to really make a change for myself (like moving out). Being here (in my FOO's house) makes recovering so difficult, I'm not sure if this is a step forward because I feel more wanting to move out, or a set back because I'm feeling irritated and guilty at the same time. Does this make sense?

I just got home from work and my older brother came and sort of vaguely asked "how was work?" in a sort of "I dont really care but something happened while you were gone that affected me" and then left my room after not explaining anything, leaving me confused.

A few minutes later I went to ask again if something happened and he said our dad lectured him about his room (which is always clean and spotless) and how it had to do with our dad lecturing me in the car after I said I had moved my phone charger to my night stand because it's convenient for me (he told me I "wasn't listening" "not understanding," raised his voice for whatever reason. Saturday he and my mom helped me clean my room and he proudly said keeping my charger at my art desk would be beneficial to me. I disagreed mentally but left it there and moved it because... it was not beneficial at all).

This is a pattern in my house which I've become increasingly tired of. Something that I do or say to my dad (regardless how major or minor) gets thrown back to my brother, sucking him in the mix even though he's completely not involved! I don't know why my dad lectured him, especially when his 10 minute lecture to my job ended in "I don't want you to be stressed" to which I said I had no reason to be even tho I was annoyed at the unnecessary lecture right before work.

On one hand, I feel like I should have just left my charger in my room where my dad put it (but I still don't get why it was a big deal in the first place!).

On the other hand, I feel like this is just another reason I should accept my friends' offer and move in with them. If I'm not in this toxic house, maybe there won't be things that I caused that will fall onto my brother. But logically, this just wasn't my fault! I know on some level he thinks it is since he got dragged into things as usual. But this is just ridiculous and I'm super tired of feeling guilty over things I can't control or over minor comments that shouldn't even be bothering or upsetting my 57 year old dad. If he wasn't stressed, and said he didn't want me to be stressed, why at all speak to my brother? And how at all would this be my fault?

[Wife#2]

Please, whatever you do, base your decisions on what would be best for Tea. I know it stinks to think about leaving your brother behind to deal with your Dad on his own. Sometimes, you have to jump into the lifeboat first so you can turn around and give a hand to the next person needing saving.

Speaking as someone who is feeling trapped in a bad situation because I'm afraid of the healthy solution, I can honestly tell you that the possibility of health is far greater than the obligation of protecting others.

Here are a few things you can consider while making your decision. 1) If you move out you'll be able to offer him a place to escape and vent sometimes. 2) If you move out you're more likely to proceed towards healthy thinking and living. Isn't that a GREAT example to give your brother? 3) You can't really get healthy when you're living in the same conditions that caused the problem in the first place.

Heck, if you move out, the problems and challenges you face will be YOURS! Ownership of your own life, even the mistakes, can be empowering!

Now, I know that it's really easy for me to say these things and really hard for you to actually DO them. I'm not telling you what you should do, just that these are things I thought about given what you've told us about your situation. I am nobody to be telling ANYBODY what to do - I know divorce is the only long-range option for me, yet I'm still married.

So, if you feel that you would truly be safe if you moved with your friend, please consider it strongly.

[sanmagic7]

i agree with wife#2 - it's important that you do what's best for you.  your health and recovery are based on self-focus.  when i moved away from all that was making and keeping me sick, that was the first chance i gave myself to actually begin any sort of true healing.  i had to leave my dear daughter behind, which was brutal, but it also gave her a role model for getting away from the madness herself. 

it sounds like your dad is scapegoating your brother, which is never a good thing.  not for him, not for you, and not for the relationship between you two.  can you talk to your brother about this at all?  is he beginning to feel resentment toward you?  getting more information about his perspective may help you make up your mind. 

[tea-the-artist]

thank you both i really appreciate both your understandings and encouragement

Wife#2 I also really appreciate your points of consideration on moving out. if it's alright, I think I'll add them to my recovery journal as daily reminders. I think honestly.. I'm kind of scared to become an adult. although I've recently become 1/2 financial support (which has also hindered me from saving money and moving out), I think I've become used to being dependent on them. there's lots of decisions I know I have to make, as an adult with a clear head, and that scares me even more. and again, to also come to terms with having to finally take care of myself and become the adult that I needed this whole time.

Lately I've been considering asking my friends if the offer is still on the table (Pansy, the older sister) even told em they're looking for a place that has 3 bedrooms, specifically looking for diverse neighborhoods that will make feel safe. so they have kept me in mind which feels nice), but I'm afraid of them saying no, which will be hard to get past. but also saying "yes" giving me a concrete way out, but still...scary to take that step towards adulthood.

sanmagic7, I can't imagine your pain having to leave behind your daughter I think being a role model is a great way to help her, and I've been told that same thing as well before. I definitely do agree tho, I really need to know recovery is self-focused, and living here is really distracting me from that. I think moving would definitely increase my worry (possibly my fawn self unable to fawn over someone else), but would also force me to learn to healthily focus on myself.

and yep, our dad has definitely scapegoated one or both of us for most of what I can remember. right now, I don't feel comfortable talking to my brother openly anymore (at the moment at least). he has a tendency to invalidate my feelings and recent attempt at making that stop, and my 15+year-surrogate-parent-self has become really burnt out. for about two years I've felt he resents me as the younger sibling who unknowingly gets him into trouble. we used to be super close, like best friends, just without proper emotional bonding (mostly just jokes and hanging out playing games), but now we've definitely drifted, especially after I started understanding our past and present abuse.

I'm not sure if he really cares for me outside of just being my older brother or if he ever really has. it's confusing and hard to tell, he used to say he wouldn't let me go too long without speaking to me if I was being quiet (possibly freezing/isolating myself), but whenever he approached me those few times (only within the last 2 years), it's always been "Why aren't you talking?" or "What's your problem?" in an offended tone and annoyed that I wasn't speaking, and not so much "Are you doing/feeling OK? you haven't been talking much lately like normal."

but, if move out plans start to look solidified, I'll definitely have to approach him and make my reasoning clear (I hinted at it once but he downplayed it as though moving would be foolish).

[Wife#2]

Oh, Tea, I hate this dilemma for you. You are so smart and sharp - I see it all through your posts. But, you don't believe in yourself enough yet.

I'm such a Freeze/Fawn, too. We who are neglected and undervalued in our FOO tend towards this. Can I tell you something from first-hand experience? You will survive. You will even thrive. I'm serious! The first few weeks feel like you've got drunk and can't sober up - in a good way. Everything feels scary and exciting and like you've just made the biggest mistake of your life, but so WHAT!!!??? Then, things start to settle down into routines. Work, social, home, clean, therapy (I do recommend that one), get up and do it all over again.

The biggest secret about becoming a full-fledged, card-carrying, member of the adult society is that it's actually pretty boring and routine most of the time. Get/do a thing, get the bill, pay the bill, next.... That's part of why our social cores need to hang on to those friends and family - and why we tend to stick with the harmful ones WAY past when we should leave. It's how we feel like we belong. Choosing to step out into the big, scary, sometimes lonely world of adulthood and self-sufficiency IS scary. Hug your inner child. She's scared of the change because it's change. She and you will be alright. Together, you can do this. And, as you move freely into the world, you'll find these current friends and the new ones you make along the way are just as capable of helping you feel included as you could ever hope for.

HUGS.

[tea-the-artist]

WOW! Wife#2 wow I can't thank you enough for your huuuge encouragement 

gosh I really appreciate it! I read this yesterday and felt a little overwhelmed and emotional actually! I think deep down I know I can do it! I've been having a lot of dreams this week with a lot of symbols reminding me what I really need and need to do and work on and your words just added to it!

I think, I'm going to try... the next time I see Pansy and MG I'm going to ask them about the offer and see what the three of us can do to push me and my IC forward towards a better and safer place! Again, thank you so so much Wife#2 I don't have enough words to thank you

[Wife#2]

I just know how hard it can be to take that first step away from family.

I'd been out on my own, then moved back home so many times my mother started calling me a yo-yo. I was 31 when I finally got it together and moved out into my own home, not willing to 'go back' anymore.

So, from my heart I want to encourage you to take that first step. I know the satisfaction that comes from signing those documents (lease, utility applications, etc) with YOUR name for YOUR place and YOUR future. Fear, yes. Absolutely. Give yourself time and you'll realize that the fear is reduced to worry, then concern, then awareness.

I love movie references and one that keeps wanting me to type it is from the movie 'St. Elmo's Fire'. One of the characters has just moved into her first apartment ever. There is no furniture. She's explaining to a friend how it feels.

Wendy: Yea... ya wanna know what's great? Last night I woke up in the middle of the night to make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... and ya know, it was my kitchen, it was my refrigerator, it was my apartment... and it was the BEST peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I have had in my entire life

THAT's the feeling that makes the fear worth it. I know that feeling. I've lived it. Alone in the home *I* purchased. THAT's the feeling I hope for you. Because if one thing is immutably true it is this - if *I* can do it, ANYONE can! Including YOU!

[sanmagic7]

i loved that scene!  she fought for that right, struggled with her dad in order to have it.  it is one of the great feelings of all time.

[tea-the-artist]

Wife#2 that quote is so uplifting to be honest! I teared up actually! seriously, so many of your comments have been making me emotional in a good way. your encouragement means so much! I really hope to be able to quote that scene. I should start a "movies to watch when I move out" list one of these days! I feel so uplifted right now!

[Wife#2]

I will continue to encourage you in any way I can. No matter the length of time it takes to get you on your own, the journey and the destination are worth it. Because YOU are worth it.

San - it's one of MY favorite movies, too! Young people trying, messing up, trying again, succeeding. The stuff that is life in most people's 20's.

Tea, one of the hardest parts may be allowing your older brother to face his own consequences for not making his escape. YOU are not responsible for HIS decisions or consequences. He may have a longer breaking point than you. That's ok, too! When he reaches his, he will get out. Just like you, he will find a way. But, for today, it's about you and your plan and your escape and your healing. 

[tea-the-artist]

thanks wife#2! lately I've been thinking a lot about my brother and I think I've been having waves of general self-focus. there's days I don't really speak with him because I feel tired about things and try to think about my situation without mentally bringing him into things in a way that would lessen my value. I still feel guilty and sad sometimes, but the last week I've felt a little different than I did when I started this topic (and even since I joined!). the talks and encouragement about focusing on myself has really been so helpful so thank you again!