I think I get it now, at least this small part of the picture * Triggers alert *

[Wife#2]

So, I've been married for almost 12 years. I love my husband, but I still don't think we ever should have married. I don't regret - our DS8 is a treasure of a human being that I'd never have had without my husband. 

I fell for an ultimatum when I should have called his bluff. I'd never got an ultimatum like that before. I was stunned at how stark the two options were - marry me or we never see each other again - and we'd only been dating for less than 3 months! I wanted the ability to explore who he was and if we were a good match. I couldn't commit to forever yet, but didn't want the relationship to be over yet, either. I was in an emotional corner and I bowed my emotional head and I said, 'We'll get married'.

Nothing about love, devotion, caring, intimacy. Just marry me or we're over and I waivered. And caved. And married him. Red flags flying all over the place and I can't even see that I've made a huge mistake. At least, I can NOW look back and say - that moment, when I agreed to marry him, set the dynamic for our relationship and taught him that I could be intimidated if he just came up with the right words and situations.

It took years for me to feel like I had ANY power, just to the point of equal, in that relationship. It would take becoming a mother. Then, when it wasn't just me anymore, I began to gain some strength. I'm still not strong enough to leave him, though I 'm ready. I can tell he knows I'm ready because he's worried enough to start treating me well again. And, I'm getting lost in the good treatment - it makes it so hard to leave him at this point. But, I probably won't have long to wait before he can't stand it anymore and wants payment for his good behavior in the currency of my boundaries. And that may, at last, may be the thing that gets me off my 'I can't' and out on my own.

[Dee]

There are similarities in our stories.  I was married to a man, after four months of dating, for 20 years.  I spent 17 of those 20 trying to figure out how to leave or get him to leave.  I never loved him, I was infatuated for a time, but there was never love.  I don't think he loved me either.  I do have two beautiful children as a result.  But please, don't wait as long as I did.  It is never going to get better.  It's hard, really hard, but I did it.  I was afraid, but it came down to if I stayed I would have died, not just figuratively.  I wasn't good going in, and I came out even worse.  It is unlikely going to get better, just more trapping.  I understand feeling stuck.  I use to sit in my driveway crying because I didn't want to walk into my house.  You can try counseling but my ex would not go.  Today, I am glad he didn't because it would have been harder to separate had he tried.  I would do just about anything to prevent someone from going through what I did, but in the end it has to be you.  It's hard, I know, but possible.  It took a therapist looking me in the eye and telling me "you don't love him, I don't know if you ever did, but you don't now."

[movementforthebetter]

Oh W2, this hits home. I am in year 9 with my bf. I am desperate to leave but promised myself I wouldn't decide/leave til after therapy. In May I took a trip on my own that crystalized I need to leave. I didn't contact him much during the trip. And I guess he missed me because he's treating me nice lately too. 9 years too late. But the longer I am here the more I find reasons to question myself. I am trying to make an exit plan with a concrete timeline. Maybe 6 months.

I believe you can do it, W2. Twelve years of unhappy marriage is enough to show you are strong enough to endure anything. Slow soul-crushing relationships are a unique type of pain but even though I am not married it's close and there are still legal ties. I can definitely empathize with you.

[Danaus plexippus]

We are socialized to believe we can not survive without a man. When my husband died I didn't know how I would go on, but here I am still alive 10 years after his death. Life goes on kiddo. Make the most of it.

[Wife#2]

Thank you all for the responses.

Dee - what a sad day when you realized that familiarity and commitment held you there more than love and that you hadn't been loved in return. That is probably the deepest cut of all. We accept these trappings of love and call it good enough. I'm glad you got out after all, that does give me hope.

Move - I do know what you mean - that 'giving it all you have' and putting off the exit (I had things in place, ready to go, gave him 1 MORE chance - he's still working that one chance).  Yes, change is hard. But, I'll be honest with you and with myself, part of it is my own ego not wanting to admit I made a mistake and then stayed so long in it. I hate admitting that I'm going to cause pain to others. I can tell myself that it's necessary for my own sake. The trouble comes in believing that and acting on it.

Danaus - That is the theory, but the truth is, I hadn't lived with a man (besides sharing my house with my brother a while) nor been married before. I was already 36 when H and I met. I know that I'm quite capable. I've worked my jobs 'alone'. I cleared my credit alone. I bought my house alone. I know I am capable. I'm not even too afraid of being a single Mom - I do think there will be advantages to balance the disadvantages. That is one thing my H remembers from time to time. I do not *need* him at all. Yet, I have tied myself to him and find it difficult to sever those ties - at least when he's finally being good to me and treating me with respect.

It's the good treatment that has me stumbled right now. I'm confused. Why, after 12 years, did he finally get that he has to treat me well for me to want to stay? Who has he been talking to that got through to him, because I sure haven't. I hate to question it - it'd be like spitting on cake. I hate to question him or his motives - if he's really doing this for the right reasons (he's c-PTSD also) and we just have fleas from our likely PD parents, we might have a slim but visible chance. That's hard to walk away from. It was so much easier to build the exit plan when he was being a jerk and selfish.

Now that I understand the ultimatum and how he used it against me, and there were more times than that one above, I can defend against it. And call him on it - for making an ultimatum in the first place and by choosing what he hopes I won't. This has been a good learning day.