getting specific and taking action

[tired]

I started reading Pete Walker's book and I was thinking, ok how does this have anything to do with my biggest problem which is paying the bills? I no longer have the luxury of spending my time crying or journaling or even being here on this forum. I should be working right now because I need money now now now.  So I flipped through it trying to find the "how to get a job" section.  It was so depressing that I started to cry because I really feel hopeless.  I understand how I got here, how years of C-ptsd led to decisions that didn't work for me and wasted so many  years of productive youth.  I can accept that I have to start over, as if I'm 20 again, leaving home and renting my own little spot, trying to work hard.  But it's not working. 

So, after crying and hating myself for wasting time crying I made this list of things I can/should do to be financially stable and then the possible emotional reasons I'm not doing them. 

1.  spend less:  I tend to overspend out of rage. I think to myself, I deserve this because life has been unfair and I can't cope and I need this food/clothing/dish set/hobby just to get through the day and anyway I'm sure that if I arrange my life just so I will feel secure and the rest will fall into place.  I don't know what the label would be for this behavior.  Entitlement.  Assuming that I don't have to be responsible like other people because after all I have suffered.

2.  work outside the home:  Not that I would know where to work that isn't minimum wage, but I'm not confident that I can keep a consistent schedule.  I also don't know if it's worth it to work for 12 hours at the grocery store when I can make the same amount of money if I find two more fitness clients.

3.  socialize in order to network:  I have been told that networking is important to get my name out there but I'm not sure. I feel like excessive socializing didn't really lead to more clients.  So I stopped.  It seemed like a waste of my time and many of my now successful clients (success for me and for them) are more introvert types who need someone quiet/introverted who understands them.

4.  staying healthy:  I have this eating problem and I don't exercise properly even though I have gym equipment literally in my living room right where I walk in the door and I know what to do.  I also have a gym membership.  And my old trainer (back in the day when I had money I had a trainer) does check on me to the point where I feel accountable.  I think I tell myself, clients don't see the cellulite so what does it matter. As long as I can fit into my work pants I'm good.  I'm lazy. I'm anxious and I don't want to waste time working out when I need to be brainstorming how to pay the electric bill.

5.  I'm avoiding looking at my finances.  It's depressing.  I tell myself, why bother when I don't have money to pay for anything.  I should focus on making more and spending less.  I could get a financial advisor and what will they say? Spend less, make more, cross your fingers.

6.  I could get married again and have someone take care of me but I'm not ready for that and maybe never will be.  I guess I don't see that as a good solution anyway but people have mentioned it. 

7. I could be developing my training skills so that when people work with me they are even more impressed and recommend me. Maybe by actually being good at my job I can succeed.  What a concept haha.  I should be studying, working on fine tuning my skills, working on making the experience better for people.  There's a point where I think, how much time should I really spend on this when I don't have that many clients anyway.  Why work my butt off studying for a job that only so far is turning out to be 10 hours a week.  I've only been making maybe 300 a week on a good week when no one cancels.  I spent a lot of time and money getting together new folders and making all my client forms look sleek and polished and professional.   I spent a lot of money buying every piece of gym equipment possible to cram into a living room .  So the ten people I have now are pretty lucky. They are getting a great workout.  Hooray for them, but they all have lives. Even the ones with  no money at least have parents around to live with if they run out of cash.  And here I am giving them a good deal, even a student discount for some, pretending I can afford it.  I don't mind being selfless, I swear, but if I can't pay rent then the whole system shuts down. 

I guess after writing this, I'm no closer to any solution. 
 

[Whobuddy]

Hi Tired! I hope you are doing alright, I feel your pain and I am sending hugs. 

First I would like to say bravo on having your own business! That is a major accomplishment. It sounds like you have a very professional set up with all the right equipment and great looking forms. And bravo on giving student discounts!

Second, I think perhaps you are being too hard in your judgment of yourself. In reading Pete Walker, I am sure you know about the inner critic. To have a business like you do and clients that come regularly is an awesome thing! It speaks of much inner strength that others see but it is hard to see in yourself.

Third, imho, this might be a good time of year to find a couple of new clients. Could you advertise on a very small scale like a library bulletin board or something similar? It is so great that you are helpful to the introverted that are probably very hesitant to seek out a large noisy gym.

Personally, I feel like I dissociated my way into a career that is very difficult for one with cptsd. I just took an opportunity that I felt I needed to in order to make money. The more I learn about what happened to me and about healing my brain, the more I realize how this job is a poor fit. But alas, it pays the bills and gets me out of the house for part of day.

[tired]

Yes advertising on a bulletin board is something I can do and probably something I avoid.  It involves going somewhere, parking, getting out of the car. Not to mention finding flyers/making some (I keep making them and losing them), finding thumbtacks, etc.  Then there's the final "what's the use everyone is on the internet now".

I started going to school for a bigger career that wasn't a good fit for me and I couldn't do it.  I feel like it's my fault for being unwilling to do things that aren't a good fit, as if I'm somehow entitled to have something that's fun. i like what I do now and it makes me feel spoiled and maybe that's why I don't have money. Life doesn't always give you what you want. So what.  If someone told me here's a job that pays the bills and you might not like it but just show up and you will have a paycheck, I think I would do it. Growing up no one ever gave me rules. I want rules. I feel spoiled.

Thanks for saying that about student discounts because I get a lot of criticism for not charging a lot.  I advertise on thumbtack and I got a few clients when my rates were lower then I raised them because I felt stupid; now I have no one asking to train.  I don't know how to deal with this.  I don't like being idle so I told myself initially I will ask for little money so I can get some confidence and help people and at least get some idea if I can even be a good trainer. 

Maybe there's a middle ground.  If I can fill up my days with enough clients, and I enjoy what I do, then I can afford to charge less.  The thing is if I work for anyone else they take a cut of my pay and it's not worth it. It makes more sense financially to work for myself and charge less. Although I did already pay for equipment and I pay rent, and I have to keep the house clean so it's not like I don't have expenses related to work.

Sorry rambling again.  sigh.

I have one client today.  Just one. So I'll be making 20 dollars. Then I'm going to babysit for another 40. 

[C.]

Hello Whobuddy and Tired,

This topic sparked an interest for me because I feel like I am in a similar situation and working through some similar challenges.  First, the career that I dedicated myself to for 20+ years became a poor fit after my divorce and increased CPTSD symptoms and triggers.  It paid well too, but not when I simply couldn't do the job.  I have since found a job that I like with hours that I like that appears to pay very little.  However, I find that I have enough money to survive and even thrive. 

This week I have been thinking about my struggles to get to this point and I noticed a lot of the "old tapes" placed in my brain by caregivers and an ex-husband that turned in to my inner critic.  For example "you have to work full-time, 40+ hours, in order to survive" and another was "a low paying job makes you a less important or valuable person." 

I recently had the opportunity to go back down to a 30 hour work week and after some initial fear about being able to pay my bills I decided that it is possible and that I love my quality of life with a 30 hour work week.  Especially since my teenage son and recovery take a similar amount of emotional toll as my job. 

As for thinking I am somehow a worse person b/c I earn less, I continue to struggle and talk back to that demon.  Because ultimately I do believe that money doesn't determine a person's worth.  I feel my work is valuable and I like it so I just keep pushing that thought away.  I have found that I look at people who earn less in a different light than I used to do.  I used to have some kind of pity, or assumption that they don't really want to do the work or some other negative thought.  Mind you, these all come from my FOO and ex, but sadly I took them on to so I really try to return to my core which is to see and treat people as equals.  To look at qualities not "production" or "performance."

Spending.  Yes, I enjoy shopping and buying myself things.  I am learning to moderate my spending "treats."

Finally, I have found that when I do something I enjoy the rest follows.  I am still often surprised that I have more spending money with 1/3 the income that I had five years ago.  The difference is my divorce.  My ex was expensive!  Now I spend on what I value and seem to have enough...

So those are a few thoughts and parallel experiences for whatever they are worth.  I agree that you have a great service to offer and applaud you finding a skill that you like and do well.  And awareness of your challenges.  I also notice that Inner Critic does seem pretty harsh w/you about earning and your career.  You are taking steps and doing a lot of things well.  Whatever steps you take to handle your finances I trust they will work for you.

[tired]

I do go on faith that if I do what I enjoy the rest will follow. It's not just magical thinking because no one wants a depressed trainer! It's not just about being a trainer or something else; it's about what type of trainer. Working on my own gives me the freedom to tailor the experience and make it better than what's out there . Or at least unique and valuable for certain types of people.

I get scared and I take on jobs that I hate sometimes. Then I realize it's not just that I hate it ; it's because the job has triggers that I can't tolerate. And I end up quitting because I realize the money isn't any better anyway.

Maybe I'm pushing up against a problem we all have and it's not even ptsd related anymore.  Everyone struggles. I ask myself , am I better if my only problem is such a common economic problem?  Am I approaching normal? 

I considered training men and small groups which seems to be necessary I don't know. I don't like it and it scares me.  Maybe that's something I should try. On the other hand shouldn't there be enough women out there that need help. 

Thanks for listening