Activating myself

[Blueberry]

Activating myself is difficult when I don't feel any intrinsic motivation.

I finally listened to one of the Tapping Things in the 10 day tapping course I linked somewhere on the forum. The ninth day is coming to an end, but better late than never...
Anyway the topic today was motivation, or lack thereof, and the lack meaning that something's blocked rather than that you can pull the motivation out of a hat. It was useful in showing me what my big blockage is atm. Not that I have got on with dealing with it, maybe tomorrow... (1) It's communicating with somebody, where the communication is going to be a little difficult.

It also showed me what little job I could be doing that might actually help a bit with motivation - that would be going outside and doing some clean-up - there is grit from winter to sweep up, some bits of lawn and under-trees need to be raked. Well, I suppose I mean the tapping showed me that this particular job or even parts of it could be fun / slightly enjoyable as opposed to all sorts of other things I think I 'should' be doing which I cognitively classify as more important like cleaning up in the kitchen. But I've been putting of the latter for days and days, so yeah, while the weather's nice and sunny for me it would make sense to allow myself to do some garden clear-up instead of apartment clear-up. A couple of days ago in OT I was finger-painting because that helps when things get stuck and one of the first sentences to burst out of me was: "I don't want to clean!" So why try and force myself?? Much more sensible to (2) do some garden work and then see.

And (3), even more low-hanging fruit - at least get out of bed in the morning and stay up. Even if I then come onto the computer. Tomorrow is another day of tapping, I can write here on OOTS (more easily than on smartphone in bed), start with the communication under (1), it's easier to go into garden if I'm already up etc etc.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, i love the idea of doing some cleaning up in the garden.  the weather for doing that isn't always going to be ideal, whereas, indoor chores have no weather circumstances to worry about.  they'll be there, waiting, but good weather won't necessarily be so.  isn't there a phrase 'make hay while the sun shines'? 

as far as communicating w/ someone, may i just reiterate that your activation stance has been staying w/ me.  it was too cold to walk outside this morning, so i walked up and down hallways and stairs instead for a few hundred steps.  nothing big, but it was something. and since you brought 'activation' up, i have done something physical every day. so, thank you again.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

as far as communicating w/ someone, may i just reiterate that your activation stance has been staying w/ me.

I'm happy for you san, but that's not quite what I meant!!

There's somebody particular I want and need to communicate with for my own peace of mind, to get something off my chest, and not doing that seems to be holding me back from doing all sorts of other things. I know the kind of thing, it's not the first time - not expressing my anger TO her is recreating a repetitive situation from my childhood, that is not confronting because the-powers-that-be (FOO) don't allow it and in this case it's somewhat similar - somebody putting herself above me combined with making it clear she doesn't want me to get back to her but *I* want to. Even if she doesn't read it, I want it on paper (email actually) and sent. I know some people wouldn't write in my shoes, but I intend to. I don't like feeling forced to sweep stuff under the rug, nor do I like people with far less idea of mental health telling me what is bad for mine etc etc. And me not expressing my anger has me in depression.

Anyway I didn't get on with it March 5th either and it is now early morning of the 6th. However, I did do a few smaller tasks, tho nothing I listed in bold in my post above. I did do some tapping from the EFT summit and I sent OT a few photos of a household appliance at the farm I'm having a lot of trouble with. OT thinks he can find something similar for me to practise on and for my blockages to come up for me to do my inner child work on. So at least I put something in motion for next week or the week after in OT, which is being responsible for myself. Tomorrow (or rather today but I will be going to bed in between) I have a cancer screening, so I have to get up in the morning and go off for the that. I didn't arrange it, we get letters here every 2 years saying: This is your appt, if you can't make it, contact us. It would be a bit late to turn down today. Anyway, I don't have a conflicting appointment, so need to leave the house and get there...

[sanmagic7]

sorry, blueberry, i misunderstood.  it sounds much more intense and difficult than what i was thinking, and i didn't mean in any way to diminish what you were saying or needing to do.

best to you, tho, with getting everything you need unblocked.  i don't like the thought that this conversation is bringing up FOO dynamics.  that's not good for you, for certain.  I do understand the personal need at times to go against someone else's wishes in order to bring order to your own house.  i support you all the way.  love and hugs

[Blueberry]

It's ok san don't worry. I'm moving my feet all the time these last days while curled up in bed, so it's nice if I'm inspiring you to similar! But unfortunately even 'must' or 'have to' are not managing to propel me out of the house this morning for my cancer screening.

This sort of reminds me that cptsd is actually an illness or at least pretty debilitating and statements towards myself like "you did your duolingo this morning and yesterday so obviously you can get on the bus and go to the cancer screening today" don't always pan out even though they 'should'. Should simply does not work for me anymore. Full stop.

Moving back to my Member Journal for a bit.

[Hope67]