Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[NarcKiddo]

Thanks all. 

My T thinks this has been a very positive development for me. By the time she expressed this view I was already pointing out the helpful sides of it. I think I was upset because this was a large step in my emotional acceptance of the fact that to FOO I am just a cog in their dysfunctional machine. I've known it intellectually for a long time, and I think I have emotionally realised it for quite some time in the case of my M. Because my F is generally so distant I (or rather Little NK) may have harboured some hope that perhaps he has more regard for me than a mere cog, but just has not been able to express that.

I don't feel sad or angry any more. I mean, I do still feel righteous indignation about all sorts of aspects, but my basic feeling is that sort of sour, flat acceptance when you realise something is what it is and you cannot change it. So now I must concentrate on how I will navigate the situation ongoing.

M phoned me today with an update I was not really interested in. I think she realises she has been played by F, though. She said he is so grateful he was not shoved into a care home. (This from the man who suggested an ongoing care need in the first place!) I said to her "I don't think he ever had the slightest intention of going there." She was taken aback by this comment, giggled in a sort of embarrassed way, and promptly changed the subject. Whatever her view about having been played by him she will not like the fact that I have seen through the situation.

Annoyingly, I made a couple of other helpful suggestions during this saga. I hope that from now on I will be able to override this tendency and STFU. I have got better at that over recent years, but still. Even more annoyingly, M has decided that the other two suggestions are completely helpful and she is following both of them up. F needs to agree to both and I am not clear if he has agreed to either. One involves obtaining a device to enable F to access his emails if he has to go into hospital again. He is a complete Luddite where technology is concerned. She is obtaining one herself and plans to learn how to use it so she can then teach him. Unfortunately it is a brand she knows I use and I can foresee being asked to teach her. That could be an interesting conversation, given I don't plan to be involved in anything "to help F". Not because I am unwilling to help with anything ever again (though my willingness is a very thin thread by now) but because I am not going to get sucked into some pointless activity that F does not even want but does not have the guts to be truthful about. Been there, done that.

[HannahOne]

It's tough to realize you have been a cog in a machine. I feel that.

When you wrote of your need to STFU I thought of this internet lawyer duo online, "Pot brothers at Law." They have many memes and YouTube videos just a minute long where they give you the script when the police pull you over. You answer two questions and then "STFU." And they say it in such a funny way, because truly, we have to practice STFU. It's our habit to comply with police, with authority, it's natural to answer questions, it's difficult to not try to be helpful--even to help the police! So we must practice over and over, "And then what do you do?" "You STFU!" LOL. It's something I am working on, too.

[sanmagic7]

NK, after watching more cop shows than i care to admit, i've noticed it's always been the guilty ones who keep talking, giving details that weren't asked for, reasons/excuses for not being at the scene, alibis that are too convenient.  STFU, absolutely!  i find myself doing a lot of the same, finding reasons/excuses why i do or do not do or think something, when, really, there's no need. when my head is on straight, i know i don't need any of the excess word scramble - and that's exactly what it feels like i'm doing, is scrambling for words.  our reasons are good enough, do not have to be offered, but can be presented w/ confidence when asked.  now, if i can only follow that in my life!  lol!!!

the situation w/ your parents is mind-boggling.  and, what is a Luddite?  i'm not good w/ technology, and i'm thinking it's some kind of mocking thing, something bad.  is that what the younger generation thinks of us oldsters?  i had just gotten the hang of doing math on a slide rule when i ended up out of the game for a while, and when i went back to school, all the classes allowed scientific calculators to be used for math problems.  what?! i bought one, but it was beyond me to be able to figure it out.  i had to drop the class cuz i was failing it. so be it.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Hi, San. Yes, Luddite is a generally derogatory term these days. Originally the Luddites were people who worked in woollen mills. They objected to new machinery brought in and destroyed it because they feared it was going to take away their jobs (and they were probably correct!). Now it is generally used against people who wilfully refuse to adapt to new technology. Which is why I have applied it to my father but would never apply it to you. Not being good with technology is nothing to be ashamed of.  That is likely to happen to us all as things move on. And will likely make all our lives a bit more inconvenient as we struggle to deal with innovations. I use the term Luddite against my father because he does not even try to get on board with technology that he does not want to get on board with. For instance he is totally fine with finding his way around his computer. He loves his emails and his internet. But he absolutely WILL NOT get to grips with a mobile phone. I am talking a basic one, not even a smartphone. I know he is perfectly capable but he does not want to be capable. The result is that others have to run around sorting things out for him, or have to turn up to his hospital bedside to impart a message because that is the only way they can. It's not an age thing and I do not use it as such. I'm sorry if it felt that way.

[Chart]

Thanks TheBigBlue! It's so spot-on I couldn't find anything to comment on!
:-)

[sanmagic7]

you know, NK, maybe i am a Luddite after all!  reading what you wrote about them, i could very easily have been one of them, raging against the machine, if you will.  i understand the idea of progress, and, especially in the medical and mental health fields it's been miraculous on some levels.  and i can see AI as being able to be helpful to those who need it, especially for helping the disabled, but for myself i avoid it as much as possible.  as far as smart phones go, no, i don't have one, don't need one.  i've gotten by most of my life w/out this type of technology, and i don't plan to start now.

for one thing, i do not have the brain power to understand, put those pieces together of what means what, etc., and why.  i see all the hazards of this 'new and improved' technology, and it saddens me no end.  so, if i am one, i'll wear that label with pride.  it doesn't take away from who i am, to my mind.  i'm sorry, tho, that sometimes i'm a pain in the patoot about needing help w/ some of it!  but, there it is. 

as far as what you're going thru, i totally understand how one more thing could feel like it's taking you to the breaking point.  that's not fair on you.  i wish it could be easier for you, i truly do.  you've been dealing w/ so much for so long, these horrible games being played on you, around you, involving you - so awful, so much.  i hope your parents can settle down now into their own routine and leave you out of it as much as possible.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Points about co-regulation and co-dependence came up in someone else's journal. Specifically the compulsion to rush in and solve someone else's problems.

My mother has always done that to everyone bar the milkman. And she'd probably have done it to him, too, if she could have been bothered to get up at 4am to catch him on his delivery round.

I was brought up to believe that is what you do if you care for someone. Of course she needed constant reassurance so she modelled that to me. And the more I was stepping in to solve her problems the less the focus was on me, and mine. Because her solutions were unbearably awful most of the time and she forced me to follow her advice.

As I posted earlier, I failed to STFU and gave M some helpful suggestions she is following through. One of them I will not need to be involved with at all. She has already said her faithful slave, er I mean friend and neighbour, is sorting it out. The other I thought I might get involved in - she is obtaining an iPad for F so if he goes to hospital again he can access his emails. I do not think F wants an iPad or is interested in learning how to use it. So M has rushed in to solve his problem (which may not even be a problem).

I had forgotten that she wanted an iPad about 10 years ago and asked for my old one when I upgraded. Of course I had to teach her how to use it and she was an absolute pain in the backside about it. Eventually she gave up and got rid of it, saying that the iPad was messing up their internet access. Say, what?! I questioned this but not too hard because I was very glad to see the back of this iPad.

What I had also forgotten was that when she got the iPad she had to have a user ID, so we set that up for her. It needed a recovery email and I stupidly set mine up as the recovery.

The other day an email arrived in my junk folder. It was a link to set a new password for her user ID.

From this email I surmised the iPad had arrived. I'd spoken to her earlier that day and she had said nothing. I suppose the friend and neighbour was helping her set it up. Good - she hadn't asked me.

Only this ruddy email took up way more headspace than it should have done. I had vowed, and I think have written in a journal, that I will not help with any projects I have not been asked to help with. I might not even help with things they do expect me to. The care home debacle was the last straw. This iPad is supposedly for F and he may not even want it. I am not going to waste my time over it. Here stands NK, all strong and determined.

BUT - I got an email I needed to deal with so she could get on with changing her account password. Very simple. All I had to do was press a button. I didn't press the button. She hadn't asked me to.

That should have been that but then I started feeling bad about not pressing the button. I wondered how else she might get access to her user account to change the password. I wondered if she could set up a new one. I guess she could but she'd probably have to set up another email account for the purpose. I actually researched what hoops she would have to jump through. Part of me was desperate to help. I mean, it was only pressing a button. Part of me thought I was better off staying out of it. The friend could sort it out. Part of me felt angry that although the idea had originated from me she had not told me the iPad had arrived or asked me for help.  Why would I feel angry about that??? It's precisely the result I want. Nothing to do with it.

Hours later I pressed that blithering button. What on earth I thought I was doing I have no idea. Pressing the button meant helping. Stepping in to help when I had not been asked. Opening the door to her asking for more involvement. She must have had a fair idea of who the recovery email had been sent to. I know they star out some of the address for security reasons but I think they leave enough in for you to guess if you are familiar with the address. If she knew it was sent to me why would she not phone to ask me to press the button?

However I had waited long enough that the link had expired. No other recovery emails had arrived so I am guessing they sorted it out another way. I am visiting later this week and am expecting to hear something or other about this iPad.

This is a classic example of how something so small and simple can bring up so many CPTSD complications. Not only in the agony of whether or not to press that wretched button, but in the aftermath. Was I right? Protecting myself? Wrong? Mean? Petty? Vindictive? Probably all those things on some level or other. Sigh.

[Blueberry]

This is a classic example of how something so small and simple can bring up so many CPTSD complications. Not only in the agony of whether or not to press that wretched button, but in the aftermath. Was I right? Protecting myself? Wrong? Mean? Petty? Vindictive? Probably all those things on some level or other. Sigh.

I soooo get that, NK.
fwiw I think you were protecting yourself by not pressing. Then all that buzzing in your brain (EF?), you eventually did press. I react that way too. I get in a quandary, second guess myself and then decide to do whatever after all. I don't know if that's quite how it went down for you but I'm sensing something along those lines. I have read you've been facing a whole load of FOO shenanigans recently and you're making a lot of progress deciding differently now, taking different steps. Pressing that button after all is maybe a little back-step in among all these huge forward steps but it won't stop your forward movement. 

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, thank you for your post.

I really struggle with self-doubt too. When triggered,    100%. Your experience makes sense to me.

Given our past experiences, it makes sense that we would have self-doubt, second-guess, feel unsure. But it's painful.

I'm sorry.

[dollyvee]

nd she'd probably have done it to him, too, if she could have been bothered to get up at 4am to catch him on his delivery round.

hahahaha I have an image of your m getting up at 4am to greet the milkman and to try and solve his problems.

When I read this, I could imagine myself in your shoes and seeing how it would come across as vindictive a little bit, not that there's any truth to that being the motive. For me, I could also see it maybe touching on a point of anger that's like, see all the things I have done for you, and now that I'm not doing them what are you going to do? Which is kind of like a reciprocal hurt when you've been hurt in the process for perhaps doing too much in the first place and not having it acknowledged. But that's what I was trained to do    This is the unhealthy enmeshment and perhaps the really difficult realization is that it's never going to be acknowledged, and that a big part of my identity is somewhat hollow. There's a lot of pain beneath that.

As an outsider, I can also see how it's hard to not press the button, and run through all the ways that FOO might punish you for not "helping out," but you're letting FOO fail on their own if they need to. On the other side, if they don't fail, you are left with the lack of recognition for how you helped them in the situation, which is probably the important part. How do I keep showing up in this relational dynamic and what do I need to address that because if I don't I'm going to keep feeling x way? This of course, is just my problem solving part, and I'm sorry that there's a lot of emotions that are probably going to come around that. 

[TheBigBlue]

 

[Blueberry]

hahahaha I have an image of your m getting up at 4am to greet the milkman and to try and solve his problems.

NK, when I read this quote from dollyvee, I suddenly think of the 'friend' who was helping me after I broke my ankle. idk if you remember tho I know you commented on various aspects at the time. This realisation is probably more useful for me than you, but possibly also of slight interest to you, or at least validating.

[NarcKiddo]

BB - I certainly do remember the issues with that 'friend'. It's good that we can air these things out to one another. I often find other people's posts oddly applicable to my own situation in ways I did not expect.

HannahOne and TBB - thanks for your support.

Dolly - Thank you for thinking this through with me.

Funnily enough my M has just sent me a message telling me some velcro slippers I bought for my F the first time he went to hospital for surgery have now proved useful. She made it clear at the time he hated them and preferred to endure the discomfort of an abdominal incision while bending down to do up shoelaces. A typical example of something that would objectively be a good thing being flung back in my face. I'd forgotten about the slippers. But now she chooses to send out a random pat on the head to me. It's just hoovering. Back in the day I would have been so pleased at the crumb of recognition. But it goes to show she is quite an operator when she wants to be. The slight nuance of "oh, you were right all along about those slippers" is an easy thing for her to throw out but potentially very seductive to receive.

[sanmagic7]

NK, i'm so sorry all this FOO stuff keeps messing w/ your head, keeps pulling you back in.  i hear your struggles, and i do believe you're making progress for the mere fact that you are now questioning their actions and your own reactions.  i think that's a great step, and you will move forward from there.  so, well done!

one sentence that bothered me was this: 

I stupidly set mine up as the recovery number.

i do hope that eventually you can stop calling my friend NK 'stupid'.  i think what you did was part of your response in the moment in the midst of FOO mindset.  we aren't stupid, we are self-protective in whatever form that takes. 

all my support during this time.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

i do hope that eventually you can stop calling my friend NK 'stupid'.