Mostly out of the storm

[pelicantown]

Hi!

It's weird to be in a place where people even have the potential to understand you. I'm a writer in Canada with C-PTSD. I've been in therapy for 6+ years now, and it's gotten me far. I feel like I've healed immensely, and I feel like a different person, but as we all know, PTSD sticks with you forever... it just gets smaller and smaller as life gradually builds around it.

My C-PTSD comes from a history of grooming, abusive relationships, and parent abandonment/a narcissistic parent.

Although my former symptoms don't consume my day anymore, I feel like my C-PTSD has rewired my ability (and/or desire?) to connect with new people. It's so incredibly exhausting trying to mingle and speak to people I feel like will never understand me... I've cut people out of my life who I feel like don't remotely have the same worldview as I do...I feel like they're shallow...clouded...and I feel good about doing, but I've also realized how ruthless I am when I have to consider people I enjoy spending my time interacting with.

I also like:
- Animals (dogs especially!)
- Crafting
- Movies
- Sports
- Travel/Nature
- Music (playing and listening)
- Working out/Running

The list above keeps me sane.

PelicanTown

[Chart]

Hello Pelicantown, welcome to the Forum. I hear you about relating to folks out there in the "real" world. It's sometimes very discouraging. I've made zero new friends in the past ten years (well, maybe one). But compared to the number of people I've just completely lost contact with and very little energy to renew those acquaintances... No, I'm definitely done with small-talk, I hear you about that one. I'm trying to rewire a neuronal catastrophe in my brain and the idea of 'drink til you drop' and 'when's the next dopamine rush' just makes me sigh.

None of that here! Sometimes we drink too much tea, and there're always cookies on the Healing Porch, but beyond that it's 100% real around here (at least that's my opinion :-)
Warm welcome. Sending hugs if that's okay (and it's okay to say it's not okay!)
 

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome! Yep, it sure is nice to be around people who get it. I'm glad you found us. Also glad to read you have plenty of therapy under your belt and are a good way along the path of healing. That's great.

[Erec]

Welcome, pelicantown.
I also went through a phase years ago where I pushed away people who were close to me. I was living in a state of extreme suffering, and it felt like they, with their more 'normal' lives, couldn't possibly understand. We never spoke about the true nature of my pain, perhaps partly due to my own sense of privacy. Recently, however, I reconnected with those people, and I was surprised to find that, in some way, they had been waiting for me. It was easier to share my story after that long interval than it had ever been before. On the other hand, someone else I had met in the meantime—who I thought could understand me—suddenly pulled away for a year. That was very painful for me, but they eventually returned as well, and we reached an understanding.
What I want to say is this: I don't know your specific situation or context, but it is normal when carrying the weight of trauma, or an illness, to go through phases where you can no longer communicate with others. There is nothing wrong with that. Relationships can sometimes be recovered even after years. Other times they aren't, I imagine. But the fact that things aren't linear or predictable doesn't always lead to a catastrophe.
I hope you can soon find people you feel a connection with, even if it's not immediate, and even if we can't show our pain to everyone right away. I hope I don't sound paternalistic with this message; it's just an experience I've been through myself, and I wanted to share with you how it has been going for me.