Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[Chart]

It seems there is some sort of yearning for a loving mother even though as far as I can tell every single part of me loathes and fears my actual mother and wants nothing to do with her.

It's the contrast between the primal attachment need which is universal and unconditional, and what you ended up actually getting...

I explicitly reject nearly EVERYTHING my mother is interested in. I don't even feel bad about it anymore. I KNOW... if mom's into it, it's toxic... or dumb. Might sound infantile, but 57 years of reinforced direct experience doesn't lie.

I think keeping distance and barriers is totally healthy. And Safety is compromised when toxic people access our "safe geographic zones". Plain as a pikestaff!
 

[sanmagic7]

NK, i've had that yearning most all my life for my father to let me know he's proud of me.  something unfulfilled, it feels like to me, something unsatisfied at a primal level.  dang.  we needed all these things, and got few if any.  sucks.  love and hugs

[TheBigBlue]

Ditto!
 

[Hope67]

Hi NarcKiddo,
I really related to you saying that you experienced 'rage attacks when cooking was involved' (relating to your experiences when young and your M was cooking).  It reminded me of my own M, and her 'rages' about having to cook.  When I read that you had been called a traitor just for staying with your F, instead of following your M, and that you were just six years old - that made me feel angry towards your M for her calousness and for her egocentricity.

I also relate to what you said about how your M infiltrates your spaces and doesn't give you much space to have them for yourself - I feel like I'm on Little NK's side - cheering her along that she is right to feel maligned by those things.  Wow, when you labelled your M as a 'great mould fungus' - that made me laugh, but only in terms of how crazy it is that someone can impact so much on our lives and on parts of ourselves - to feel like there's a fungal infection - I wish there was some anti-fungal treatment that could be magically sprayed around all areas, so that her spores could be erased from impacting any further. 

Please disregard anything that feels 'over the top' in my words - I am literally just writing as I was thinking, and didn't really think through what I've written.

Sending you a big hug  and another one for Little NK 

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, everyone. Hope67 - nothing you wrote was over the top. It all felt spontaneously caring and empathic. It would for sure be nice if I could get hold of an anti-M spray!