Living As All of Me

[HannahOne]

I don't know how much or how often I will write here. I am going through a challenging time, and I want to do it in a different way than in the past. I need to find a way to be with myself through this, and with others who understand the context of having been a neglected and abused child. Without that context my experience and my behavior doesn't make sense. When I share with people in my life "I feel anxious about X," no one knows the depth of that feeling because they don't have the context, and even if I gave them the information of the context, not having experienced CPTSD they still can't really understand. As I've read posts here, I know here people understand CPTSD.

Many people going through a struggle or illness have some of these reactions, but for me, these common grief reactions are resonating with a lifetime of grief and inflaming the wounds of my childhood, reawakening old thoughts, habits, beliefs, fears. All my life I've struggled with two main symptoms of CPTSD: Avoidance, and Re-experiencing or emotional flashbacks. I don't want to go into avoidance, or I'll forget appointments, not follow instructions, and neglect my health, but I also don't want to relive past emotions in my present situation. Maybe if I keep track of my experience by sharing it here, I'll find other ways of being with this experience than avoiding it and pretending it's not happening, or drowning in it and feeling this is the ONLY thing that's happening and it's a repeat of my childhood.

All my life I've been isolated in the sense that I never share my past. If anyone asks or notices anything about me, I just say "I was raised by wolves," as a joke and move on. I don't want to say that anymore, I would like to be more direct and clear, at least being able to say, "I had a challenging childhood" to give people some way to understand me. So I can kind of practice that here. I had a challenging childhood, LOL. I understand myself, but I often ignore or "forget" what I know and then become confused. Maybe journaling will help with that too.

TW as I will describe some of the triggers which include some references to abuse experiences but will not be graphic.

Some of the triggers are physical:

My temperature regulation is totally off and I'm always too hot, or I'm in a cold sweat. It's easy to start to feel panicked, like when I was hiding from abuse under my covers, or sweaty and running away.

My rib muscles are strained so I have pain or pressure in my chest and it's difficult to take deep breath at times. This feeling also makes me feel panic as in some of my trauma it was difficult to get a deep breath.

I can't use my arm the way I want, I have to be aware of not lifting heavy things. This makes me feel helpless, which is very scary as I felt helpless as a child, I was neglected. I start to feel like "I can't get food" or "I need water." I'm perfectly able to get myself food and water, but I have to do it more carefully, and that's scary for some reason. I feel compromised. I also feel restricted, which makes me feel like I need to run.

Some of the triggers are emotional or beliefs. I feel a lot of guilt. I was punished a lot as a child in unreasonable ways for unreasonable reasons. The triggers:

I can't help but feel that what I'm going through is a punishment for having been abused and not standing up for myself correctly as a child. I feel that I betrayed myself when I wept after being hit or apologized in order to end a tirade or went along with something I didn't want to do to avoid punishment, and now myself is taking revenge on me.

I feel this is a punishment for not doing enough healing work in therapy or not working hard. Even though I've been in therapy for thirty years.

Or a punishment for not being more integrated, not being more "out" about my past, for hiding my past or not living more directly or honestly and pretending I was a person who had a great childhood and that I was a person to whom nothing bad had ever happened.

Or a punishment for how I coped, by people-pleasing or avoiding conflict at work or at home, punishment for denial and telling myself and others "I'm fine" when I wasn't.

Or a punishment for not being able to speak up, or speak to, doctors, or to remember what they say and make sense of it, or kept up with my health better. I shut down around doctors and fawn or freeze, and often have to be sedated for basic exams, but now I'm having to see doctors who don't sedate, and I need to remember what they say. I'm afraid to bring anyone with me to the appointments.

Last, figuring out how to get help is very very triggering for me. TRIGGER WARNING for description of abuse: When I was an abused child age nine, at one point I was taken to the doctor. The doctor was concerned enough to send my mother out of the room so he could speak to me alone and do an exam. No nurse present. But what I experienced of the doctor's exam was abusive itself, and therapists have confirmed that what happened was completely outside the bounds of an exam and it was abusive. Aspects of it were inappropriate for a child exam no matter what. For me it's never the abuse itself that messes me up, it's how people respond to it and this is one example of how people responded: My mother demanded to know what he had done, and I couldn't really tell her as I was frozen. She was enraged after the appointment, at herself for leaving the room as she assumed he had abused me, but more at me, for allowing her to leave the room and being abused, and screamed at me all the way home, then told my dad I was a horrible person, I won't use the words she used. Of course she herself had been abused as a child, so I understand her reaction. But her reaction was confusing, and she was also abusive. I was never taken back to that doctor's office. As an adult I made a request for medical records, and the exam was noted, but not an accurate description of what I experienced. And I was sent back home to by parents, despite evidence noting signs of abuse in the record, and no treatment was provided. The help did not help, it made things worse.

So although I have had many wonderful doctors as an adult, I have a fundamental tangle around medical help. Having to see a lot of doctors now, and deciding who to trust, is very triggering.

Confusion itself is a trigger. The whole thing was very confusing because all the adults involved were abusing me, and all of them seemed angry at me for being abused, and all seemed to know the others were abusing me, but no one did anything about it except abuse me more for it.

That's the story of my whole childhood and that's where the wounding really is, my endless confusion and how people were behaving, who knew what and how to hide it from everyone while still getting enough to eat, drink, and medical care, confusion about what I had done that was so wrong to cause all of it, and continually being punished for the crime of having already been punished, or the crime of someone finding out I had been punished/abused. Or the crime of being confused.

I feel like I'm in an emotional flashback a lot lately where I'm just confused about what the doctors are advising, confused about their motives, why they are doing what they are doing, feeling they just want to hurt or wound me (which sounds crazy to write! but that's how I feel sometimes), confused about if they can see my past, what they make of "Why" I am sick, what they make of any scars or behaviors they see, and how if at all to tell them or explain why I can't speak or am shaking, feeling if I do tell them or they realize, it will make things worse....Confused about what's wrong with me and why I can't do all of this like a "normal" person. Until I remember CPTSD, I feel I need to tattoo "CPTSD" on my arm or something.

I'm also unable to tell anyone in my life that I'm even sick. It took me a month to tell my partner, but I'm not letting them be involved or come to appointments or read reports. I can't talk to them about how I feel, not because of who they are but because of who I am, it's too triggering, I'm afraid. And I told my therapist, and now I told a sibling but again they're not involved in the appointments or information. I can't seem to tell anyone else, it feels like revealing abuse, which was unsafe. So I've stopped responding to texts and calls from friends. To parents of my kids' friends, when I can't drive or can't get my kid to something, I don't know what to say about why. This experience makes me feel derealization which is a terrible feeling. I am having EF to being a child and managing two different realities, what's happening at home, and who I am at school, and acting "fine" while juggling a pack of hyenas and trying not to get bit.

This way of coping is already becoming even more isolating than my life already was as now I have another "secret" and something that is causing me to behave differently, but I can't explain. No one in my life knows of my past other than my partner, who I never really "told" they just figured it out over time, and of course my sibling who lived it too. I left home at 18, moved 500 miles away and went low/no contact. It worked for what it worked for but it doesn't entirely work to live as a person with no past. This is part of why I joined the forum.... and then I got sick! Irony, or an opportunity, I suppose. I haven't been this triggered in a very long time. I was just working on being more integrated, self-aware, and letting others become aware that my past was difficult, and now I'm REALLY having to make quick progress on that project!

I know that these are triggers, they are irrational thoughts and also common emotions for anyone with CPTSD. I know that I could CBT the thoughts. I could practice radical acceptance of the experience and work on emotional regulation and distress tolerance, as in DBT. I could welcome the feelings, as in parts work, and thank them for trying to help me solve this illness, understanding their good intent to protect me in ways that worked in the past, by making me think it's my fault, so I could control it and undo it. Or by confusing me so I don't get emotionally overwhelmed and am more numb. Or I could take these beliefs and emotional flashbacks to EMDR and bring the intensity down. I've done all of those things in the past. For today, I'll put them here.

Thank you all for reading, and for making this forum such a supportive place. I'm open to comments, shared experiences, support! I prefer not have a lot of advice because I'm going to get a lot of "eat this not that" and "don't use a microwave" and "just make a list of your questions" advice as people find out my situation. My problem isn't that I dont know what to do, it's that I can't do it because of CPTSD and I already feel bad that I am doing all of this so badly. It helps just to know other people also have experiences of CPTSD symptoms, have navigated living through and with a challenging childhood, and understand and support.

I hope that I will be able to keep writing and find a way to go through my experience as all of me, aware of my past but not re-experiencing it, living in the present but not avoiding my past, and with other people who understand the context I'm living in, the context of relational trauma, attachment wounding, childhood abuse and neglect. Then I will make sense to others and to myself, because we all know what makes it all make sense: CPTSD.

[NarcKiddo]

I am really sorry that you are sick and that you have particular issues with the medical profession due to childhood experiences.

Lots of people with CPTSD have issues with the medical profession - I think it often stems from the medics coming across as authority figures who have all the power. And it is impossible for that not to remind us of past experiences with abusers. I had a period of serious health issues starting in 2023 and finally being diagnosed in 2024 followed immediately by a pneumonia crash, hospitalisation/ICU and what have you. Your issues with having to remain present and remember what the medics say resonates hugely. I realised in 2023 that I would have to advocate for myself and that I had spent the whole of my life previously basically hoping for the best and dissociating through medical appointments. It is really hard and because of the somewhat challenging "know all" attitude of many medics it can be very triggering. I did discover, however, that I had a voice and I could complain about poor treatment when it occurred. I could ask medics to repeat themselves and the sky would not fall in. The effort is huge and draining, especially at the beginning.

I also understand the feeling of doing it all so badly and feeling incapable of navigating these "simple" things like a "normal" adult.  I don't think these things are simple, my T tells me there is no such thing as a normal adult, and I am utterly sure you are not doing it badly at all. You are doing what you can do, and you are impressively aware of the tools you have available to help you when you have the bandwidth to use them. I hope you have found it helpful to write in this journal.

I'm glad you made it clear that you are not wanting a lot of advice.  Please always feel free to make it clear what sort of responses are helpful or you'd prefer not to receive. I have a tendency to leap in with suggestions that may not be helpful and I don't always catch myself doing it. So also feel free to issue reminders though I hope you won't need to.

Wishing you all the best for 2026.

[HannahOne]

NarcKiddo, thank you so much for commenting.

I really value hearing your experience with the kind of thing I'm struggling with. I know intellectually "I'm not alone, millions of people grew up with parents with PD, or are neglected/abused and many have CPTSD or relational trauma symptoms!" and yet it's my habit to feel like I'm the only person on the planet who has these kinds of responses. Many people with CPTSD have difficulty with doctors! It's always a hooray/boo feeling, hooray, I'm not alone! boo, other people suffered. And, hooray, I'm not such an outlier than no one can relate.

I'm so sorry that you dealt with illness and difficulty dealing with doctors too.

Thank you for using the word "dissociation." I struggle with dissociation and I find it scary to realize I've "forgotten" something or that I didn't take in what was said, it makes me feel out of control of myself.

Yes, advocacy. I do want to improve my self advocacy. I have a child with special needs and I basically had to become an unofficial attorney to get them services, so I know how to advocate and be clear and collaborative. I just have to use those skills for myself now. I can't admit my difficulty to anyone if I can't first admit it to myself, and that's part of what this journal is already doing for me.

Thank you again for reading and taking the time to comment. 

[TheBigBlue]

HannahOne, thank you for trusting this space with something so layered and painful. What you describe makes deep sense in the context of severe relational trauma: the confusion, the guilt, the fear around seeking help (same here with doctors), the body reactions, the isolation. None of it reads as failure or weakness to me; it reads as a nervous system doing its best to survive conditions that were profoundly unsafe.

I'm really glad you put this here instead of carrying it alone. You're being seen, and you make sense here.

(if that's ok)

[Marcine]

HannahOne,
I can tell 100% that you are a beautiful human being with a heart of gold.

[Chart]

HannahOne, Finally putting a name on my condition, Cptsd, was a huge help for me. It has changed everything. I now know what I am struggling about. As mentioned, I think my struggle got much more difficult once I realized all the interwoven aspects of developmental trauma. And as I started to link things up, and connect the dots, the conflicting emotions were terrible. I struggle enormously still. There's so much to make sense of and work out. But it helps so much knowing that I'm not the only one. Thank you for sharing your story.
 

[HannahOne]

HannahOne, thank you for trusting this space with something so layered and painful. What you describe makes deep sense in the context of severe relational trauma: the confusion, the guilt, the fear around seeking help (same here with doctors), the body reactions, the isolation. None of it reads as failure or weakness to me; it reads as a nervous system doing its best to survive conditions that were profoundly unsafe.

I'm really glad you put this here instead of carrying it alone. You're being seen, and you make sense here.

(if that's ok)

Thank you for commenting, TheBigBlue. Yes, confusion, guilt, fear, isolation. It's such a relief to make sense to other people! For me one of the most painful things about CPTSD is the look people sometimes give me, as if I have three heads. I know it's just because my responses don't always make sense. But it's awesome to experience making sense to others, without having to explain a lot.

And yes, I have to remember it's my nervous system. I often think of the crab from the little Mermaid movie---"My nerves are shot!"    My poor nerves, LOL. I am going to try to do more calming and regulating things like exercise (walking my dog), listening to music. It's easy to think the problem is "in my head," but it's "in my nervous system," of which my brain is just one part.

[HannahOne]

HannahOne,
I can tell 100% that you are a beautiful human being with a heart of gold.

Hi Marcine THere's no emoticon for blushing.   Thank you for the kind words.

[HannahOne]

HannahOne, Finally putting a name on my condition, Cptsd, was a huge help for me. It has changed everything. I now know what I am struggling about. As mentioned, I think my struggle got much more difficult once I realized all the interwoven aspects of developmental trauma. And as I started to link things up, and connect the dots, the conflicting emotions were terrible. I struggle enormously still. There's so much to make sense of and work out. But it helps so much knowing that I'm not the only one. Thank you for sharing your story.
 

Hi Chart, thank you for commenting. Yes I seem to go in and out of being willing to accept that this is CPTSD, somehow that fact itself can be triggering. Maybe because I didn't speak about my experience, and when someone found out it was always a disaster.

I think that's something I'm still realizing too, the "interwoven aspects." It's a lot to make sense of for sure. I once compared it to a football-field sized waffle. I have to digest this ENTIRE thing!? It's going to take me a lifetime, LOL!

[HannahOne]

The doctor's appointment was ok, it was the surgeon today. I meant to have my sibling on the phone to listen but when the doctor came in I panicked and was afraid to dial. But I did write everything down that was said and I got my bandages OFF which feels so much better. And I got very good news overall, everything was removed that needed to be, I don't have to hurry to do anything more immediately, I have time to see a specialist and consider next steps.  I am so relieved. It couldn't have been a better outcome.

Today is New Years Eve. As for many holidays NYE was often tough. I remember one year, I think the year I was nine, frantically cleaning the house before midnight as if that would somehow make a clean slate or fresh start, and then crying when midnight struck and I hadn't finished cleaning the dog's foodbowls. I noticed that today I did quite a bit of cleaning, and I still feel I have more to do. Cleaning is one way I cope with stress. My extended family had some serious hoarders, my mother much milder and she did try to keep house but I"m more of a minimalist and need things to feel a certain way. My kids can be as messy as they want. I just need to mop the floors when I'm stressed!

In the new year I am hoping to continue pursuing making art, making friends, and expressing myself.

I have been studying painting for about seven years, but I still struggle to paint by myself. I get paralyzed and very self conscious and I forget how to do the steps, I get disoriented and freeze. I have my painting table set up.... So I'd like to keep working with myself about that. I will continue meeting with one friend weekly to paint.

I lost most of my friends during the pandemic. The pandemic was overall hellish as my partner works in healthcare and had a breakdown, my child had a breakdown, and then we lost our jobs and were unemployed for almost a year, prepared to move. I also ended up very isolated. I feel like I'm still trying to get back to where we were in 2019. So I am practicing going out every day even if only to the store, and chatting with the workers there. I hope to join a hiking or book club and meet more people. I am also hoping to get back into work part time. I've had a small business for since the pandemic but I'm tired of it and I want to have more structure and leave home to work. I don't know what work I can do as I want to change fields but I'm curious. I hope to meet people and find friends again.

And I want to keep practicing and playing with expressing myself. I do that through writing, but especially lately through clothes. I always thought fashion was silly, frivolous. My father was extremely misogynist and my parents very strict religious. And my father was very frugal to the point of not heating the house, not letting us use hot water.... He could be generous at times he chose, but in general was extremely controlling. So we didn't have new clothes, or didn't have clothes that were in style, and had to dress very plain and modest because he thought it was a waste of money and time to do otherwise. I agreed with those values for a very long time and never bothered much about what I wore. But this year I realized that I often don't leave the house because I'm wearing clothes that make me embarrassed. Or make me feel invisible. Everything was black or grey. Saggy. Five-ten years old and often was already secondhand when I got it. And out of date. It made me feel sad.

Getting out of the depression of the last five years meant getting out of bed, getting out of the house and that meant getting dressed. I would take care of the house chores and kids and then when they left, go back to bed in my sweats.... Instead I took all my clothes out of my closet, got rid of a good bit, and starting going to thrift stores. I also went to very expensive stores and tried things on. Twice a week I would go out and spend a few hours trying on all kinds of things I would never wear. If I liked something at the thrift store, I bought it, if I liked something at the expensive stores, I went home and bought it for half or less on eBay   I now have a nice small wardrobe of clothes that fit and that I can mix and match.

I'm kind of obsessed and like to just touch each thing and count what I have. I have 7 pants, from wide leg dark jeans to barrel jeans to black palazzo pants and white barrel cotton pants, and a pair of black and white track pants. I also have a pair of green pants, and camo pants! I love pants that are structured and have a strong shape. I have 4 button downs: white, black, blue and blue stripe. I love button downs because they are masculine and have a collar. My dad was a narcissist, so it's complicated. I worshipped him for many years even though he hurt me, I'm told it was like Stockhom syndrome. I'm over it now... except part of me still wants to dress like he did, Respectable and Competent in button down shirts. So, I wear them! I have 2 sweaters: fluffy brown, and white boat neck. I have 4 t shirts: 3 white, 1 black. I have 3 long sleeve t shirts, black, red, blue. I have 1 skirt, long blue satin. I have 8 jackets. Jackets are my thing. Also it's cold where I live. I feel safe in a jacket, without it I feel exposed. This is something I'm working on... but I Also love to layer, and I like that jackets are structured and masculine and say "competent." I have a black leather jacket, a light brown cropped suede jacket and a dark brown suede cropped. A black blazer. An orange jacket! A khaki blazer. A white lady jacket in the Chanel style. And a grey tweed jacket. I love to wear the white lady jacket with just the top button buttoned and the bottom open, making a triangle with the color of my t shirt showing under.

I also love my shoes. For five years I wore black felt clogs. The soles are worn flat. That's all I had! So depressing, I would just slide my sad foot into the clog and shuffle around....I now have pink sneakers, pine green sneakers, leopard print flats, brown loafers, black Chelsea boots, burgundy heeled ankle boots, and sandals. I LOVE putting a pink sneaker with. my blue satin skirt (dressy, and casual! Ready for a formal dinner, and to dance!) Or black track pants with leopard print flats and a blue button down (I'm sporty casual and also business like, with a wild side!)

I LOVE trying on and figuring out what colors I like. How to put opposite colors together for contrast, or analogous colors together for more harmony. How to wear green with orange, or green with blue. And shape, silhouette, how to wear tight with loose, or make a shape with clothes. And texture--velvet, silk, demin, wool, leather.... it's like painting in a way. Contrast, cohesion, harmony, message.

Except it involves me, my body, how I appear in the world, how others see and relate to me and most important, what I WANT TO SAY. Do I want to say "I am feminine and masculine, low contrast and practical?" I could wear a lace black top with a pink blazer, and practical flat shoes.  Do I want to say "I'm defended and edgy with a soft feminine side?" I could wear leather jacket with camo pants and pink ballet flats. Do I want to say "I'm competent and have authority, listen up!" I can wear a red top with a blazer and skirt, and boots. Do I want to say "I'm complicated?" LOL. I can wear a barn jacket with wide leg jeans and a pearl necklace, with red sneakers and an oversized scarf. There are so many things I can say with clothes, and I don't have to be loud, dramatic, flashy or weird to dress myself in a way that's interesting and expressive. A simple pair of jeans, a top, and shoes can say a lot. One thing I always try to say is, "I've come a long way to get here." I always try to have something in my outfit that says "rural, practical, poor, simple." That's my background. And something that says "professional, cultured, educated" as that's how I got out of my background. And then something that says "artistic, creative, fun," as that's who I am at heart. Whatever it says, as long as my outfit is intentional, I'm saying "I care about myself. I'm not afraid to be here and engage. I'm here on purpose."

And the clothes are for me only. No one else can wear them, they benefit no one else, they go on my body, to protect it and express it. 

The more I consciously ask myself what I want to say, and then go out of the house in my clothes, the more I am able to look people in the eye. Be present. Show up. Start conversations. Smile at people. And feel more part of the human race.

The situation with my health is making my relationship with my body a little more complicated and I Can feel part of me wanting to go back to sweatpants (not that there's anything wrong with sweatpants!It's just not really what I want to say about myself).... part of me wants to stop exploring and forget about my body and just stay in the house daydreaming. But I want to continue forward. I feel keenly aware I have this one life and I made a commitment to myself at a very young age that I would find a way to happiness, I would escape and make a life worth living. I want to continue to keep that promise to myself. Doesn't mean life will be easy or straightforward, but I can make it worth what I went through, I can enjoy happiness where I find it, I can keep showing up and saying what it is I want to say. 

[Marcine]

This is amazing stuff, HannahOne! Your different clothes express different aspects of your personality and you are making it a creative practice to get dressed and engage with the world... As well as a defiant triumph over your father's controlling, extreme frugality.
Inspiring!
And great news from the doctor, yay!