Left out

[Gromit]

Hey, I have not been here for a while but, when I return, there it is, a post about the death of an uncle, and that is what happened to remind me of this place.

I received the annual Round Robin letter that my cousins's wife sends out in their cards. My uncle, my mother's brother, died a few weeks ago. Of course, I did not know, so I responded, one of my cousin's nephews had also died, that was in the letter too.

I got an email back, apologies for not keeping me informed about things  and telling me how upset my mother was, maybe this was the time to reach out, life is too short blah blah. Then the information about the funeral which is in January, and local as my uncle still lived in this area (my mother doesn't).

I was pretty upset about the 'life is short' stuff. It brought a lot of things up. I also sent a text to my cousin, offering condolences, and he said he would call.

I did respond to the email from his wife, explaining that life is too short to stay in an abusive relationship, and just said that being a mother myself I grieved what I had never had from my own mother.

When my cousin called, he apologised again. Not sure why, my other cousins never even send cards. For context, my uncle was 92, my mother is 82, I have been estranged since 2007. I last saw this cousin before I had my daughter, who is 20, but we have spoken on the telephone, he lives a long way away. I last saw his sisters before I had children. He seemed sorry that I was left out, seemed to want to make things better? Once his mother had dementia, the only way I ever heard anything was from his wife's Christmas letters.

From him I had the information that my mother was not coming to the funeral, and my sister would be on holiday.

Had a Christmas card from my sister this week, no mention of my uncle, I had not actually heard from her since July. Ah well, I will send her a birthday card next month and say I hope she enjoys her holiday!

Not sure how I feel about meeting cousins again after all these years knowing that they know there is a 'rift' and whatever my mother has told them about that. Not sure I want to suddenly be involved in the family, it is a bit overwhelming. And I feel uncomfortable with him being so nice. My parents always kind of gave the impression that my aunt and uncle were scary, strict.

It hurts to know that nobody cares to tell me about things which are going on. It is upsetting that people think they can tell you what to do without understanding what has happened to you.
G

[Blueberry]

  

Life is too short to stay in an abusive relationship. What a comeback!  I love it. I can't imagine it would occur to me to say in the moment.

Thinking of you while you work thru what all this really means to and for you.

[TheBigBlue]

That sounds really unsettling and confusing, especially after so many years of distance. You're not wrong for feeling conflicted or for protecting yourself. I'm glad you shared this here.



(If that's ok)

[Gromit]

Below is what I did write, after some thought, and drafts, and it does not identify anyone:

I appreciate that your experience is very different to mine. My husband did not understand what my family was like until he saw it firsthand.  I have no idea what you have been told, nobody has ever spoken to me about it. But, as you say, life is short, it is too short to be in an abusive relationship which impacts on your health, especially, when you are a parent.

My relationships with my children shines a light on what I experienced. My daughter asks me things, which I remember wondering about when I was a child, but I had nobody to ask. Obviously, only having a parent who I did not want to emulate I had no template to follow, and I have made mistakes, but my children feel safe enough to tell me, and give me the chance to make amends. I have spent a lifetime grieving a mother, I did not have, and a father who was unable to change things, he used to say he had tried everything over the years, nothing worked. He died in 2020, having missed out on so much.

Sorry, your message stirred up so much for me, I needed to say something.

Sharing because it seemed my 'life is short' response might be misconstrued.

I deliberately waited to respond to the email so that I could respond rather than react.

Time and distance helps as does learning from everyone else who shares their experience on here and in other support groups.

G

[TheBigBlue]

That reads thoughtful, clear, and grounded. You explained your truth without attacking, and you gave context instead of silence or self-erasure. Waiting so you could respond rather than react really shows the work you've been doing.


It makes a lot of sense that "life is short" would stir grief and clarity at the same time. You handled it with a lot of care for yourself.

[Kizzie]

I'm with The Big Blue, bravo for waiting and then responding versus reacting! what you wrote captured the essence of what you went through. I hope it is received as such but of course there is no telling how others will react. What matters most (IMO) is that we speak for ourselves and honour how we feel.

Kizzie

[Chart]

Beautifully expressed,  Gromit. Thank you, you have given me much food for thought in a situation very close to my own circumstances.