starting over

[sanmagic7]

thank you, all of you.  more later.  i'm not in a good place today, had a run-in about therapy, trying to find a T, got lied to, went all frazzled, and i'm completely worn out today.  love you all - you're the best.

[Desert Flower]

Hold on dear San, I'm here sitting with you.

 

[NarcKiddo]

That sounds very stressful, San. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you for the hugs and care, DF and NK.  so appreciated.     

the short of it is that i've stopped the zoloft, am seeing the doc fri.  it was making my brain crazy, wanting to hurt myself, brain rush that couldn't be controlled, even w/ some EMDR interventions.  they helped, but the agitation continued thru my hands and the anxiety was overwhelming.  several times i resorted to xanax (a big no-no according to my doc) which helped calm my mind, stopped the agitation.  i stopped the zoloft now.  the only reason i tried it was cuz the doc kept telling me to have an open mind.

you know, i know what works for me, what doesn't.  to have to go thru this crapola just to make a point is crazy to me.  i've been around this theater for ages, have run thru my lines every which way possible, and went thru another awful experience just to show someone i know what i'm talking about,  ugh and a half!!!

and then trying to find a therapist.  another nightmare where i end up distraught and antagonized cuz someone either isn't explaining, or just flat out lying.  they tried to tell me that everyone in their network could take care of everything.  when i asked about dissociation, they assured me, yep, their therapists could take care of that,
i know trauma and trauma treatment, know about dissociation and DID cuz i experience them, know about my alexithymia and how that affects me. you cannot tell me that everyone in your system can treat all that.

after the second person told me the same thing, i ended up collecting myself and calling back to file a complaint,  this person told me they have intake persons who i would see first.  well, no one else told me that,  i got all fishimmeled, breaking emotionally, she said she'd put in my complaint and would have someone call me for a follow-up to fix the problem.  and they wanted me to wait until the end of july of next year to see someone!!!

it was all too much.  i'm gonna look for my own T in the meantime.  seems they all do zoom calls now, so at least i won't have to travel.  what a freakin' mess! 

[Desert Flower]

It's so frustrating, the way they make you go through this again! I hear you. I cannot believe the way this system works (not). Ugh indeed.