Ran's journey

[Ran]

I thought about my childhood a lot and in ways I still feel like a child, but I wouldn't want to be treated as one. I think that if I wouldn't be pushed into a caregiver role, then I'd be children's art teacher. Though I wanted to become marine biologist, so if I'd have learned swimming, then I'd problably could have gone to that route.

[Ran]

I'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.

[Chart]

I'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.

I think this feeling is common  among Cptsd survivors. For me it is difficult to perceive reality one way and observe others around me who clearly are perceiving things very differently. That dissonance is very disturbing. Were it not for a few friends who support me I'd probably be in much worse straits. Friends help immensely, though I have far fewer now than my younger days.

[Ran]

I'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.

I think this feeling is common  among Cptsd survivors. For me it is difficult to perceive reality one way and observe others around me who clearly are perceiving things very differently. That dissonance is very disturbing. Were it not for a few friends who support me I'd probably be in much worse straits. Friends help immensely, though I have far fewer now than my younger days.

I've been dissassociating since I was 5 years old and it went away a bit with huge identity crisis and now it comes back time to time. Sometimes it's like watching your life from far away, other times it's surreal surroundings and this time it was different, because the memories felt surreal. When I realized some trauma stuff I dissassociated after a long time again, then the surroundings felt surreal.
It is disturbing, but in ways what has helped me are distractions, grounding and knowing that yes this is dissassociation and sometimes I can bring myself out of it. I don't have people who'd help.

[Ran]

And I think something happened yesterday. The alarm system hypervigilance usually appears as a red wide beam scanning, but it turned off and now it turned on and it's a white narrow beam scanning. Maybe due that I've been resting?

Medication my gp wrote has been okay. I'm not overly sensitive to it, so yay and it seems to be working.

[Chart]

Glad to hear the medication is helping, Ran.