Ran's journey

[Ran]

Hello,

I felt like starting a journal and see where it all takes me. I'm still very much depressed and constantly crying from over loosing my online home as I feel unfairly treated. Not to mention people putting pressures and burden on me I don't ask for, but I want to try and get better if possible, because being like this feels miserable. Helpline people have been angels though and letting me just talk and showing care, where no one else does. The helpline person made me realize  that helping others have been in ways of taking care of myself. I never looked at it that way or maybe trauma didn't let me see.

[TheBigBlue]

Ran, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.

The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.

I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.

You deserve that.

[Ran]

Ran, I'm really glad you wrote this. What you're feeling right now sounds incredibly heavy, and reaching out while you're hurting that much takes real strength.

The way the helpline people reflected back that your instinct to help others is also a way you've tried to care for yourself - that really resonates. So many of us with early trauma learned to survive by being the helpful one, the reliable one, the one who holds everything together. It makes sense you couldn't see that clearly before; trauma can blur the difference between caring for others and caring for ourselves.

I hope this journal becomes a gentler space for you - a place where you don't have to hold everything alone, and where you get to receive some of the care you've spent so long giving out.

You deserve that.

Thank you TheBigBlue. Your words have been comforting to read. I want to participate more in the forum itself, but when down like this, then I don't think I can be very reliable with what I say, but I'll try. I'm still trying to grasp everything of how the forum is like, but I'll get it eventually.

My graphic design course offers me some distraction and fun, so that's good I think. He also asked about mental health stuff, because I've been in bad place for few years and about if it's related to sexuality and I said:it started with around the time I had my identity crisis. I was in huge distress. I was scared I'd be disowned and exiled. It was all very vague and I didn't know half back then about gender or sexuality. Those things are so hush hush, where I'm from as city I live in is very conservative. Not everyone within my family are accepting of everything, but I don't care about it anymore as I know they need me and I still need them. It's kinda being codependent on each other what isn't healthy, but for me at least right now as I'm not financially capable of getting my own place, then it's the only solution right now. My dad can be controlling and toxic and don't believe in mental health and is in denial about my sexuality, but needs me for caregiving. I don't think he himself acknowledges it all. I did burnout due to caregiving fatigue. I took academic leave from university too, because everything just got too much the load for me was tremmendous.
If you know that Disney movie Encanto, then I feel just like Luisa did, when she was singing the song called surface pressure, like all the bricks are on her/my shoulders. I feel that entire tension on me all the time, not to mention being on fight or flight 24/7 like someone in a war constantly. I have accepted myself now more or less. Previously I went around in circles. I guess trauma blurred my true feelings. I like to think of my sexuality that I just like everyone. There is no need to put myself into restriction like a label, even though for descriptive purpose I say that I am a bisexual, when at first that label gave me ton of uncomfortableness.

[Ran]

I don't deal with changes well. The job office person has a substitute and I got sick. They require a doctors note, if I miss a meeting time. I have gp scheduled before next meeting, but I hate being treated like I don't know a problem for society or like a kid who needs to be kept an eye on. They don't notify you of the substitute and it creates me
anxiety. My previous consultant at least knew about my limitations. Maybe I will let my gp write me a note of needed accomodations, like getting phone appointments. I will tell my gp about the depression, anxiety and cptsd stuff and about how I've been in contact with helpline too.

[TheBigBlue]

Hi Ran,
I'm really glad you shared all of this. You're carrying an enormous amount: caregiving, identity stress, financial limits, the pressure from home, and trying to manage your own mental health. No wonder your system feels like it's in constant fight-or-flight. That's exactly what chronic relational trauma does, and nothing about your reactions is "too much" or wrong.

Your graphic design course sounds like a real bright spot. Having something that's yours, something creative, can make a huge difference. I've found something similar myself: I started creating images (using AI) to express feelings when words or analysis felt overwhelming. Focusing on them for hours sometimes helps calm my system. I'm glad you have something like that too.

What you shared about your identity, family expectations, and the lack of acceptance was very powerful. Living in a conservative environment, trying to find yourself while also being needed as a caregiver, that would stretch anyone past their limits.

And the job office situation makes complete sense. Sudden changes, substitutes, strict rules ... those things spike anxiety fast, especially when you're already overloaded. Asking your physician for accommodations is a really reasonable step. You deserve to be treated with respect, not as if you're doing something wrong.

I hope your GP listens when you talk about the depression, anxiety, CPTSD symptoms, and the burnout from caregiving. Having one steady, consistent person in your corner made a big difference for me - for me that's my therapist - and I hope you can get that kind of support too.

You're carrying so much, and you're still reaching out and trying. That says a lot about your strength. You're not alone here. 

[Ran]

Hi Ran,
I'm really glad you shared all of this. You're carrying an enormous amount: caregiving, identity stress, financial limits, the pressure from home, and trying to manage your own mental health. No wonder your system feels like it's in constant fight-or-flight. That's exactly what chronic relational trauma does, and nothing about your reactions is "too much" or wrong.

Your graphic design course sounds like a real bright spot. Having something that's yours, something creative, can make a huge difference. I've found something similar myself: I started creating images (using AI) to express feelings when words or analysis felt overwhelming. Focusing on them for hours sometimes helps calm my system. I'm glad you have something like that too.

What you shared about your identity, family expectations, and the lack of acceptance was very powerful. Living in a conservative environment, trying to find yourself while also being needed as a caregiver, that would stretch anyone past their limits.

And the job office situation makes complete sense. Sudden changes, substitutes, strict rules ... those things spike anxiety fast, especially when you're already overloaded. Asking your physician for accommodations is a really reasonable step. You deserve to be treated with respect, not as if you're doing something wrong.

I hope your GP listens when you talk about the depression, anxiety, CPTSD symptoms, and the burnout from caregiving. Having one steady, consistent person in your corner made a big difference for me - for me that's my therapist - and I hope you can get that kind of support too.

You're carrying so much, and you're still reaching out and trying. That says a lot about your strength. You're not alone here. 

Thank you.    I'm holding on, somehow. I don't know how. I have always felt how different I am from other people, sometimes I thought of it as my super power, same with the fight or flight hypervigilance what I named Alar. I guess it made me feel a bit less alone in ways. When I noticed it all I had such a hard time trying to calm that hypervigilance down. I get a lot of visual aura (migraines), anxiety, night terrors, dissassociation, derealization and I coped with humor, because the figures were like scary monsters when closing my eyes (I imagined figures as humorous things, like a giant cat). After learning about hypervigilance and naming that I am in hypervigilant state and giving it a name those images have actually mostly dissapeared. Some stuff I haven't figured yet how to cope, but some things help. I've found some dbt tools do help me and inner child work.

[Ran]

Please take care, when reading. I mention suicide and sexual abuse. Nothing hopefully graphic, just mentioning things.

There are things I do feel sorry about and think I could have handled these situations differently, but it's really hard, if no one hears you. It's like you're being invisible the same way you've always been and there is absolutely no one who cares about your side of things. You give others everything, yet don't get the same care back. It's like you don't exist. Might as well unalive as feeling worthless enough. Just someone to be used for others benefit. No one valued me for who I was and these patterns just keep repeating.

The only time where I actually felt like someone showed concern towards me was when I ended up having to talk to a self helpline person to report being worried about someone else's suicidality.

For me the events that caused CPTSD were childhood emotional neglect, sexual abuse and violence (alcohol consumption).

They affect me more than I want to admit due to these events feeling like less than what other people go through. It's why I react very strongly to different things and these reactions are beyond something I can control. I saw nightmares all the time and dissassociated since I was 5 years old up to 30 years old, when my identity crisis started. I was also frail due to poor health, because of genetics and spent alot of time in hospital, withouth my parents present. I think I have a memory block due to this about it, but I'm not there yet, where I can unravel it.

Some things feel like an imprint you carry around all the time. It's heavy, heavier than a thousand bricks on your shoulders. It tries to push you down, but you still keep trying and hoping and holding onto the little strings that gave you back your humanity.

[TheBigBlue]

Your story truly belongs here, and nothing you wrote is "too small" or invisible. What you lived through: the neglect, the violence, the dissociation, the loneliness - was real, and the weight it left on you is real too. You deserve to be heard and cared about, not used or ignored. 

[Ran]

Your story truly belongs here, and nothing you wrote is "too small" or invisible. What you lived through: the neglect, the violence, the dissociation, the loneliness - was real, and the weight it left on you is real too. You deserve to be heard and cared about, not used or ignored. 

Thank you for saying that. For some reason I keep getting scared that I'll get told that this don't belong as I don't have official dignosis yet and I wouldn't be allowed to participate.

[Chart]

Hey Ran, take your time with the Forum. It is many things, but always striving towards healthy interactions and positive relationships, even when things are really really hard. I totally agree with TheBigBlue. Take your time here and everywhere. You are very brave. I'm trying to get away from expecting my life to begin when I finally reach a certain level of healing. I'm trying to realize that I am living my life right now. Sometimes that's depressing because I imagine that since it's always been this way, it's also likely to not change. But I know that's false. But pain is so dominating, but things are changing.
Sending support and hugs if that's ok, Chart.

[Ran]

Hey Ran, take your time with the Forum. It is many things, but always striving towards healthy interactions and positive relationships, even when things are really really hard. I totally agree with TheBigBlue. Take your time here and everywhere. You are very brave. I'm trying to get away from expecting my life to begin when I finally reach a certain level of healing. I'm trying to realize that I am living my life right now. Sometimes that's depressing because I imagine that since it's always been this way, it's also likely to not change. But I know that's false. But pain is so dominating, but things are changing.
Sending support and hugs if that's ok, Chart.

Thank you Chart. Hugs are always okay with me. 
I'll try my best. I'm still very much in the beginning, but I want to get better as it affects my relationships and it's one thing that helps me cope with everything. If I didn't found my own support places, then it would have been much more difficult.

[Chart]

Ran, finding connection and understanding here on the forum was a game-changer. I believe this place has been the single most important element of the progress I've made over the last two years. I'm so very grateful. I think I understand exactly what you're also experiencing and I deeply deeply empathize.
It seems to me you are doing good honest work. I agree that this is the best path to change and ultimate healing. It's long, too long, and far far too hard. But I also believe we can do it. Having you and others around on this journey is helping beyond words.
Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs and positive thoughts!
 

[Ran]

Ran, finding connection and understanding here on the forum was a game-changer. I believe this place has been the single most important element of the progress I've made over the last two years. I'm so very grateful. I think I understand exactly what you're also experiencing and I deeply deeply empathize.
It seems to me you are doing good honest work. I agree that this is the best path to change and ultimate healing. It's long, too long, and far far too hard. But I also believe we can do it. Having you and others around on this journey is helping beyond words.
Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs and positive thoughts!
 

I'm glad it's helping. Reading other people's experiences here is very much helping me as well. I think it's because of being able to relate to it all. It makes me feel less invisible. 

[Ran]

Today I'm thinking that me not feeling fery well and feeling faint after walking less than a 100m and having to sit down every little bit of walking is all stress induced 100% and having a weak heart to begin with, due to getting banned from the support forum for the conflict I created, because my system was already overloaded. I was already warned by gp to avoid overextortion and my system just couldn't take it and conflict at first cave me those sharp head pain on right side and it envolved into humming sound and having to hold the wall, so I wouldn't fall, when I bowed down to reach heater to turn it off. Pain stings happen each time I try to reach something farther away. I'm putting myself on bedrest for the time being and I have my gp appointment on the 2nd. I will call an ambulance if I feel any worse, but for now I'll rest.

Just in case. I don't belittle the other support forum I was in, in any way. I think it's just not the kind of place that is equipped to help people with cptsd. It's otherwise a wonderful forum and I'm forever grateful to them, even with this conflict due to how much they helped me to stay afloat.

This is what I wrote to the helpline person.

I think mostly what helped me cope was the forum itself, because I was afraid that when that support gets cut off, then I'll have to be by myself with my thoughts and the thought of that felt maddening.

Trauma tries to push you down, but you still keep trying and hoping and holding onto the little strings that gave you back your humanity. For me the forum became a caring family and home, when no one else was there for me and why it became an important piece of my identity, when I didn't know who I was at all due to trauma blurring everything. You can't heal from trauma all alone. You need support, even if it's built on a shaky foundation.

It was accessible, anonymous and available 24/7. I wasn't a forum person before this at all as I barely was able to talk to others like I am now. I had such big anxiety that I couldn't even talk to staff withouth thinking that everything I say makes them hate me and I admired them very much. I started participate more, advice people and felt connected to them as they were going through similar things to me around identity. They asked me to become a forum moderator and at first being dissapointed that it was a moderator role as I mostly saw advisors giving advice in the forums, what I was doing too, then I become to love the role and seeing how important this role is, though I became a bit rigid with rules. I knew them by heart and it was hard to adjust lets say other place with bunch of younger people and being a co owner eventually there due to gaining so much trust. The rules and it all overall was chaotic, but I learned that I just have to go with the flow there.

Forum was my lifeline. Loosing the forum made me go through grief. I was feeling how my lips were tingling, it felt wrong to eat and I was crying a lot, but at the same time cutting that line helped me see my real identity better.

I often felt very alienated and different from other people and I had no in real life friends at least not in the same sense as there is online.

Recently though talking to the Discord friends feels like it's all akward and tense and I think it's just me. It's due to depression. I left one common server as it became overwhelming with so many kids for for some reason I couldn't relate to and it felt lonely.