Healing or Holding On?

[Dark.art.girl]

San,
I hope I didn't offend you when I said that. I'm so sorry about your circumstances with D1, I'm sure that's been very painful. Thank you for your thoughts and love, I'm sending some your way, too. Yes, it does touches every aspect of our life.

Last night I got into a tiff with my father than escalated because I got triggered by something he said. He mentioned something about me moving in anger which put me in an EF for sure. There were many times in my life that I had no control over where I lived or where I felt safe. That instability left me freaking out in this instance. Anyway, I ended up coming up with a solution to share my feelings with him--it's usually very difficult. I'm pretty proud of this!

I'm more of a writer and feel safe in writing to him than speaking (seems juvenile to me but it is what it is). So, I wrote it all out and read it to him. I sobbed through the whole thing but I felt a lot of relief after and I got to apologize for my frigidness. We had a good conversation and shared some hugs that I felt comfortable with because it broke the wall down. At least for now. I admitted how I beat myself up mentally for shutting myself off to him and how badly I wish I could be authentic with him the way I am with others. But he sees why I struggle with these things and sees past them, which I also expressed gratitude for. I am really grateful. I don't want to push him or my boyfriend away when they're all I have.

Does anyone else feel like once they release their big feelings this way things seem normal, but after awhile, feelings accumulate and build up under the surface again? I'm starting to recognize a pattern here and I remember this being a problem when I was younger, too. I wish I could explain why I'm doing it but I can't think that deeply right now. lol

[sanmagic7]

D.A.G., no, i wasn't offended.  we don't often hear of a child being the NPD and making life miserable for the parent.  i know she's spread stories about me to many friends, some of whom i've actually met and we got along well, some who wanted to do me bodily harm cuz of what they believed i'd done to her.  so, the belief is already out there that i'm the bad guy, and there's nothing i can do about it except try not to think about it.  ugh!

so very glad you and your F were able to have some time to be 'together'.  i didn't think the writing thing was childish, especially - i thought it was a creative way to keep yourself safe.  i often feel safer by writing cuz i can't always think clearly in the moment, so i get it.

actually, i have felt that way, a big release, then an accumulation again.  if i recall correctly, for me it was often because there was some deeper issue going on that i hadn't touched/looked at yet.  it was like i was able to recognize some surface stuff, deal w/ it, but then the core stuff would rear its head again, maybe w/ the same person/incident/situation or another. i think it's the onion peeling dynamic - we get one layer off, then eventually discover there's another layer to be dealt with.  i can go for a while before another layer makes itself known.  i believe i'm between layers right now.

i hope you can discover your pattern and that it makes sense for you.  love and hugs (and thanks for the love back)

[Dark.art.girl]

San, I think we're all in between layers in a way. Thanks for your response again, your insight is always appreciated.

I just realized today how hard I've disassociated this past month. A lot of big assignments were due for one of my classes today. It dawned on me last night how badly I had lost touch with reality when I realized how I didn't put my full effort into these tasks the way I usually do--enthusiastically, too. I spaced on two of them and the rest were incomplete or just minimum effort.. I hold myself to a high standard so I had to fix a lot of it today. I did manage to prepare myself for a few of them very well, considering. But still--wow.

A visit with my partner really snapped me out of it this last weekend though in some ways. The glumness is subsiding for now! He made me smile and laugh quite a lot which I needed. That's a win.

I still find myself, however, constantly looking for ways to escape my mind. Like I daydream about playing video games for comfort and distraction very often. I'm starting to notice an uptick in that behavior when things get tough. Funny thing is, I never actually end up playing them. I watch YouTube during my daily tasks, occupying my thoughts with the lives and problems of other individuals or the conflicts of the world. Just an observation. I wish I'd stop doing that.

I hope everyone is doing ok. Christmas is around the corner and a lot of people are dreading it--more importantly, I hope everyone is staying safe. Love, always. x

[Hope67]

Glad you enjoyed the visit with your partner, and that he made you smile and laugh quite a lot, that sounds really nice.

[sanmagic7]

   i think it's always a plus when we can connect w/ someone who can make us laugh!  love and hugs

[Papa Coco]

Dissociation is so easy to fall into. I've always said that if Catholic school hadn't had windows, I might have been a better student. I spent all day, every day, staring out the windows pretending I was somewhere else. Then I grew up into a world that then invented the internet, social media and 24-hour TV.

Distractions are so incredibly easy to fall into. When I get frustrated at life, I do like you: I go to the internet and sift through endless images of beautiful places I'd rather be than here, or I read articles about other people's problems. Then, every evening, my wife and I sit on the sofa and watch mind-numbing TV shows for hours on end. The next day we don't even remember what we watched.

You're not alone with this. I'm glad you talk about it here. When I first joined the forum a few years ago, I thought I was unique and when I talked about my dissociative problems that I was confessing something others would gasp at. It didn't take long to come to realize that I was joining a group of people who already understood what I was going through.

Knowing I'm like others helped me feel less alone in life. I hope it helps you in a similar way.

[Chart]

Does anyone else feel like once they release their big feelings this way things seem normal, but after awhile, feelings accumulate and build up under the surface again? I'm starting to recognize a pattern here and I remember this being a problem when I was younger, too. I wish I could explain why I'm doing it but I can't think that deeply right now. lol

Darkartgirl, absolutely. I experienced this a lot in the past. But now it's different. My take on it is that realizations don't actually change anything. This is why therapy doesn't help in the way we think or hope it will. The neuronal structure of our brains don't rewire quickly. It can take decades. It is freezing-molasses slow... but cumulative! Core issues can be horrifically difficult to "change" permanently. Many (myself included) don't believe in such platitudes as "total recovery".... Suddenly going into next week with sunshine and butterflies. It just doesn't work that way. And odd as it may seem, I'm not surprised (and kinda glad) it doesn't work that way. For me, what this means is that it's not a question of "results" but rather an understanding of the "process". Sure I want change. I especially want the pain to stop. But now that I've realized that's not going to happen (at least not in any Hollywood sense), something else has installed itself in the place where "hope" used to sit. Call it resilience maybe... it's definitely not "strength". It's a kind of acceptance, but that word is too passive and doesn't do justice to the fact that some things have improved. I totally agree with the onion metaphor. But there's something else in this idea of "change". Some things ARE permanent. They have to be because it is the foundation upon which my "self" rests. For example: Love "has" to be permanent. I can't get around that one. It HAS to be. And so if Love is eternal, it's opposite must also exist alongside it. The duality of existence seems pretty well established. And now I'm rambling! Sorry. So yes, I do think I understand that feeling of emotion revelation and subsequent backslide. My solution to that is observation, acknowledgement and patience. I've also seen things change in myself. But it's like getting close to very small birds... you have to stay very still and quiet, hardly breathing.