starting over

[Papa Coco]

San,

It's good to read that you are starting to get some sleep. Sounds like the medications you and your MD are exploring are doing what you need them to do. That's always nice.

I can't possibly know what you should say to your D, but I can absolutely resonate with what it is like to have people whom I love being poisoned by the words of the unscrupulous. Knowing when or how to talk with her is a "sticky wicket".

In my own family, I tried for decades to defend myself against the lies and gossip of what was being said about me. In fact, I have come to know that what was said about me all those years was far more damaging than anything said to me.

Each family is similar but not identical. What worked to help me get past it in my own family was a decision to take the high road and just be the better person. Every time I tried to defend myself I just looked more guilty. So why bother trying? It didn't fix things with the family. I ended up being abandoned by all of them, but in my own heart, at least I'm not having to defend myself anymore. I no longer care what they say about me. BUT this is your D, who you want very much to stay in your life. So I'm not so sure that what I did is the right path for you.

BUT there is something to making sure that no matter what you decide to do, doing it from the high road is still a good thing. Out in the world, people say "Don't lower ourselves to their level" and I guess that's what I chose to do in my family. If anyone can't see that they're being lied to, we aren't really able to change that. It isn't until they look at him then at you and realize that one of you is a lying gossip and the other an honest victim, that they will fix this within themselves.

I recently learned a term: "Identified Patient." The quickest way for me to grasp the concept is to think of the old TV show, Gilligan's Island. Gilligan was the identified patient. The screw up. He was honest and well-meaning, but he made mistakes. And after a short while his propensity for mistakes defined him. Now, no matter what happened, the other 6 castaways on his island always just knew Gilligan was the one who was the mistake maker. Even when he wasn't making mistakes, they saw him as the mistake maker anyway. He couldn't ever break free of the reputation they were forcing on him. After a discussion with some friends last week, I started to see that I was the designated patient in my own FOO, and when anything went wrong, everyone just knew I was the screwup. I couldn't shake the reputation. I'd been typecast. No matter what happened, PC was the screwup so let's do like we always do and blame him. It had gotten to the point where all 4 of my siblings could marry and have children and be congratulated for it, but whenever I'd date, or when I married, or when I announced my wife's pregnancies, the family would panic because I was doing something stupid.

My wife's family was the opposite. They loved me and trusted me. They were overjoyed to welcome me in when I married their daughter, and they celebrated and supported all our pregnancies. I wasn't "the Gilligan" on their island. They saw me for who I really was. My own FOO saw me for who they had all decided I was.

Some people are able to fix their typecasting, others aren't. So I don't know if you should talk to your D or not, but I am sending you all the love and support I can to help you find your way through this decision. From reading your posts, I view you as a loving, compassionate, beautiful soul, and I hope you can feel that from more than just me. I think there are a number of people on the forum who write things that support that same sense of trust in you.

Maybe, I guess, just take your time and think this through until your heart finally feels like it knows what to do.

[sanmagic7]

PC, that was great advice, to trust my heart.  thank you for that.  she's going thru a rough time w/ someone right now, so i know this is not a good time to say anything about my concerns.  i appreciate you gilligan example, and i agree w/ it.  one screw-up, one action that is not the 'norm' can label you forever, no matter the true circumstances or how we've evolved.  or, too often in my case, because i followed my own path, which others deemed 'irresponsible', so my entire experience was written off, no matter the reality of what it entailed.  yep, got it!  and thank you very much for your kind words.  today, especially, they were truly appreciated.

still editing - gettin' it done, but it's, as always, a back-breaker.