starting over

[sanmagic7]

perfect, blueberry.  i'm there with it all.

[Desert Flower]

Hi San, just dropping my to say I'm sorry you're not feeling well at all.

Also, sorry I missed your birthday and sending some late birthday wishes anyway.

[I edited something out because I felt it may have been bothersome]

Big hugs and lots of good whishes for you

[sanmagic7]

thanks, DF, for the birthday wishes.  late or not, i don't care.  they're real and they count.  for future reference, if you feel inclined to say something, i'm ok with that.  i'm pretty good at being able to deal w/ something or say how it feels, and it might feel good.  and thank you for the hugs and good wishes. 

i'm feeling a little better each day, altho this has again been a slow, long process.  it's the stress of what the vaccines are doing in my system, boosting my immune system, that takes the longest for me to recover from.  but, i'd rather go thru 2 weeks or so of feeling out of sorts w/ a stress flu, than being knocked on my butt by a true illness.  it's a trade-off i'll take every time.  some of these vaccines have 2 parts to them, but that's a concern for next year. 

since i haven't been able to take to the streets, i've begun writing to my state's senators, those at the national level. it helps me feel a little less powerless w/ everything that's going on.  i've never done that before, i was more active politically in other ways when i was younger, and writing to congress people is new, scary, but i'm glad i began.  i don't know if it helps w/ the tension/stress i feel over what's happening in our country, but at least i know i'm doing something.  that feels good.

[Chart]

Hey San! Been catching up these past couple of days. Happy belated birthday! Ditto like NK, I thought you were my age (56). Your true spirit-age shines through your writing.
 :-)
 

[Papa Coco]

Hi San,

I hope you continue to feel better and better. And I'm inspired by your decision to write to your senators. You are right, it feels good to do something, even something small. I haven't begun to do much politically yet, so that's why I'm saying you are inspiring to me. I'm letting the situation scare me into my hole. You're peeking out and doing what you can. I can see how that feels empowering. And empowerment helps with CPTSD.

Impressed.

Papa Coco.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, chart.  good to hear from you.  you brought a smile to my face - it's there right now! 

PC, thank you so much.  you just inspired me to keep it up, which i have.  i wrote a couple more times, not just to complain, but also to thank them for pos. stuff they've done.  don't know if they read any of this e-mail correspondence, but i know i put it out there, so it counts to me.

the weather has cooled down to the point where i have felt better about being in my bed, cuddled up and sleeping a little better.  that's helped me feel better as well.  plus, a few times i've been able to simply go back to bed, sometimes even fall back to sleep.  still using meds, and i know they're helping a lot, but not as much as i used to, so i'm not sure of the quality of my sleep.

doc appt. in a couple weeks, and i'm already worrying about how that's going to go.  meds?  will i be able to get what i need?  will i be able to stay present or will my alternate personality - the gray lady - be there in my stead?  (my D is going to be w/ me, so she'll be able to help if that does happen).  i'm quite anxious over it, and that's beginning to ramp up, even while i attempt to keep it from overwhelming me.  i do want to be upfront w/ her about my treatment by docs in the past, put it out there at the beginning, and talk about my anxiety about that.

i also want to use that dreaded word 'psychosomatic' problems, let her know that they're a very big part of what i go thru.  dang, i'm getting emotional, scared, just writing about that.  the old 'it's all in your mind' bugaboo came out and is hovering, but the fact is, it's very real, at least for me.  having to absorb and endure whatever's come down the pike during my life has taken a huge toll on my body, causes things like inflammation, stress flu, skin problems - all that energy from emotions/feelings i haven't been aware of, let alone express, had to go somewhere and do something, so it went to various parts of my body and wreaked havoc.  so far, tho, i think my major inner organs are intact.  we'll see.

ok, that was a lot.

[Desert Flower]

Dear San, really, it's not 'in your head' at all! As in, no, you're not making this up. And you didn't cause any of it either. And it won't go away by you simply 'getting over it' or just stop being bothered by it or something like that!

That's not how it works. These are real problems. And you were not the cause of them. And you may worry too. And you deserve all the help you can get to deal with them. Your doctor should know that too.

I mean this in the kindest way dear San. And you may be very kind to yourself too. Yes we are worried. Yes we are okay the way we are. With all our hopes and fears. I hope you can feel we do understand. And take it easy as much as you can. (I hope this helps. Sorry if I went overboard here.)

 

[NarcKiddo]

It's obviously very stressful to contemplate such a doc appointment, let alone actually attend it. So I think you are wise and brave to be thinking about it and giving yourself the best chance of getting the outcome you need and deserve. Maybe doing all of this now, even though it is hard, may make the gray lady feel less inclination to barge in. I'm glad to read your D will be with you so she can help if the gray lady does show up.

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you so much DF, and NK - your posts were so thoughtful and kind and i truly appreciated hearing your thoughts on this.  i've done this kind of thing so often in life, trying to foresee a conversation or incident, like rehearsing for it or something, and honestly, it has rarely gone the way i imagined.  so i appreciate you seeing my contemplation about it as something pos.  that helped a lot.  thank you both again.     

i talked to my D about this upcoming doc visit, told her i would write a list of things i want to bring up and asked her if she saw the gray lady appear would she take the list and cover the stuff on it for me, and she agreed.  so, that's good.

i'm trying to think about what kinds of people or situations the gray lady shows up for, and it's definitely w/ aggressive people i have to get information from or get care from, but honestly, that hasn't always been the case.  she's also shown up with neutral people, or people who weren't even in the same room as me, so i don't really know why, what her criteria are.  she showed up on the first appt. i had w/ my last T.  i think that was a holdover from the T i had before that, who i fired cuz she was so clueless and once sent me into an EF (and when i told her about it, she dismissed it as a 'miscommunication'.)

my last T, who i was w/ for 5 yrs. until i moved, told me she remembered meeting the gray lady, said she'd never seen anyone so emotionally flat.  and that's kind of what it feels like to be overtaken by her - as if all the air in me has been let out, and i'm just kind of a sitting-up deflated balloon.  this has really gotten into my head.  so, there's been no clear-cut type of person who triggers the gray lady to come out and take over.  authority types maybe?  maybe it's not important.

but what has seemed important is the realization of how very traumatized i've been that this phenomenon happens at all.  that's not 'normal'.  i'm much more mentally ill than i even know.  maybe mentally ill isn't the correct term.  maybe mentally/emotionally wounded/traumatized.  dang, i just didn't realize . . .

[Chart]

but what has seemed important is the realization of how very traumatized i've been that this phenomenon happens at all.  that's not 'normal'.  i'm much more mentally ill than i even know.  maybe mentally ill isn't the correct term.  maybe mentally/emotionally wounded/traumatized.  dang, i just didn't realize . . .

Yes! I totally identify with what you just expressed here, San. It is so very important. It's as if the more we dig, the more we realize just how huge our experience actually was... I keep realizing that I downplayed my experience... for years... then I did it again, downplayed what I had newly realized. Then some time passed, I learned and worked some more, and realized it was actually worse than what I thought. As time goes on, understanding gets deeper and deeper. I'm making "some" progress, but am always confused why it's not "more".

I think the answer is that Cptsd is actually far more devastating than we realize. And even that "ignorance" is understandable... like trying to get our heads around Mao's purges, Stalin's gulags, and Hitler's concentration camps... no matter how much we learn, it was actually much much worse. Maybe it's human to avoid the full impact of things. But it's still weird.

My initial reaction to this aspect is that I really really need to go easy on myself. I need to appreciate the scope of what I've had to deal with my whole life.

Did that make sense? I'm actually realizing while writing. Thank you for sharing this idea. I want to support it and you. The credits are still rolling apparently... we're not at the end of the realizations...
 

[Desert Flower]