Amazing Roommate but I am triggered by EVERYTHING

[DoggieWoof123]

So me and my dad just got evicted from our apartment. I moved in with my friend's mom. She is a sweet woman, in her 60's, gentle, kind. She isn't charging me for rent, she let me have my piano in my room, she lets me hang things on the wall in my room, she lets me use her dishes, her washing machine, etc. It is the perfect living situation and I'm so grateful she has taken me in.

For the first 5 days, I felt truly elated. I felt like an adult, I was humming, making conversation, watching TV, generally enjoying myself. Then the first trigger happened and I've been in a prolonged trauma state since. The trigger was: she was silent. Yup, silent. I sat down to eat dinner across from her and I said "may I join you?" then she said "as long as I can read my book" and then she was silent. I felt like crying and from then on out I have been SO sensitive to every single thing she says or does. It's like I am living in my mom's house again.

I get triggered by everything. If she has a preference on not liking a small of certain foods that I cook, and expresses her preference (in a kind, joking way) I feel deeply terrified and upset. If she jokingly says "hey you still have some crap in the garage" I freak out. I go into the garage and clean it IMMEDIATELY, then I come out and she says "you didn't have to do that right now. I was just saying, but whenever you're comfortable."

It's crazy how deep trauma can go. I am living in the safest environment ever, with a woman who genuinely cares about me and is having me purely from the kindness of her heart, but my nervous system is acting like there is a threat. At any given moment I am fully expecting her to sit me down and kick me out, even when she said "I am not going to kick you out"

Advice? I know with time, journaling and therapy this will get better. It is just wild how intense it feels!

[NarcKiddo]

Does your friend know anything about your trauma history? Does her mom? It might be difficult for her mom to know how to react to you walking on eggshells around her if she has no idea at all why that might be happening. I do not say this to try to blame you in any way, but you have said how lucky and grateful you are to have this offer to live with your friend's mom. So it might be beneficial for both of you if you are able to explain some of what you are going through.

While it is not right or fair to trauma dump on people it is perfectly reasonable to let them know that you are working through some difficulties. It's a very vulnerable situation to open up to others about our troubles even a tiny bit, but if she is safe and loving then it might be good to see what it feels like? I can't remember if you have a therapist at the moment but if you do this could be a very good topic to talk through with them.

[Kizzie]

I have to agree with NK, if she is a kind and loving person you might want to share a bit with her and why sometimes what she says/does might send your CPTSD surging to the surface (which we get here, it sometimes does not take much to really trigger, especially if we're afraid we're going to lose a good thing).

I think I would understand if I were her that you did not grow up in a safe home and react to even a hint of negativity. It might even be a good chance for you to experience trusting a healthy person with a bit of what you feel inside and see how they react.

[DoggieWoof123]

Howdy,
to the people above: Yes, my friend and her mom both know my situation. My friend has been a huge supporter for me the entire time. Actually, after the garage incident, I told her about how I felt the pressure to do things because my mom used to force me to do things. She reacted really well and said "poor thing" or something like that. And also the first day I sat across from her and told her how I'm in therapy and healing from abuse. She knows the whole situation. She actually had a narcissistic ex-husband! So she gets it. But we haven't really talked about it since. It's funny, she knows my exact situation, is empathetic, and still I get triggered. But honestly it's getting better slowly but surely! I think my body just has to get used to living in a safe home. Maybe I should discuss it more... but I don't want to make her feel bad?

[NarcKiddo]

I don't think there is a particular need to discuss it more unless you want to at a time when she is likely to be receptive. Other than in a therapy situation I think this type of interaction is often best allowed to grow organically when the time is right. It sounds like you are self-aware enough to know when you might have said or done something that was not ideal and if any explanation might be warranted. The word "should" is rarely helpful when CPTSD is in play. My main concern in saying what I did in my previous post was that she had at least a basic level of awareness so that any unexpected behaviour or reaction from you is not going to shock her unduly and thus make things more uncomfortable for you.

As for still getting triggered - well, unfortunately that goes with the territory too. I get triggered in safe environments and with safe people all the time. Part of that is because I do not yet feel safe with myself, so it is impossible to feel fully emotionally safe anywhere, even if I know intellectually that I am safe. So I think you are right to suggest that you need to get used to being in a safe home. I am really glad that you are in one now.

[Kizzie]

So she gets it. But we haven't really talked about it since. It's funny, she knows my exact situation, is empathetic, and still I get triggered. But honestly it's getting better slowly but surely! I think my body just has to get used to living in a safe home.

I think you've hit the nail on the head!    It takes a long time for mistrust to become embedded in our bodies and minds so equally it will likely take some time for you to believe in the safety you're experiencing. I'm glad for you that you do have this safety now and hope it will be your new normal.