Amazing Roommate but I am triggered by EVERYTHING

[DoggieWoof123]

So me and my dad just got evicted from our apartment. I moved in with my friend's mom. She is a sweet woman, in her 60's, gentle, kind. She isn't charging me for rent, she let me have my piano in my room, she lets me hang things on the wall in my room, she lets me use her dishes, her washing machine, etc. It is the perfect living situation and I'm so grateful she has taken me in.

For the first 5 days, I felt truly elated. I felt like an adult, I was humming, making conversation, watching TV, generally enjoying myself. Then the first trigger happened and I've been in a prolonged trauma state since. The trigger was: she was silent. Yup, silent. I sat down to eat dinner across from her and I said "may I join you?" then she said "as long as I can read my book" and then she was silent. I felt like crying and from then on out I have been SO sensitive to every single thing she says or does. It's like I am living in my mom's house again.

I get triggered by everything. If she has a preference on not liking a small of certain foods that I cook, and expresses her preference (in a kind, joking way) I feel deeply terrified and upset. If she jokingly says "hey you still have some crap in the garage" I freak out. I go into the garage and clean it IMMEDIATELY, then I come out and she says "you didn't have to do that right now. I was just saying, but whenever you're comfortable."

It's crazy how deep trauma can go. I am living in the safest environment ever, with a woman who genuinely cares about me and is having me purely from the kindness of her heart, but my nervous system is acting like there is a threat. At any given moment I am fully expecting her to sit me down and kick me out, even when she said "I am not going to kick you out"

Advice? I know with time, journaling and therapy this will get better. It is just wild how intense it feels!

[NarcKiddo]

Does your friend know anything about your trauma history? Does her mom? It might be difficult for her mom to know how to react to you walking on eggshells around her if she has no idea at all why that might be happening. I do not say this to try to blame you in any way, but you have said how lucky and grateful you are to have this offer to live with your friend's mom. So it might be beneficial for both of you if you are able to explain some of what you are going through.

While it is not right or fair to trauma dump on people it is perfectly reasonable to let them know that you are working through some difficulties. It's a very vulnerable situation to open up to others about our troubles even a tiny bit, but if she is safe and loving then it might be good to see what it feels like? I can't remember if you have a therapist at the moment but if you do this could be a very good topic to talk through with them.

[Kizzie]

I have to agree with NK, if she is a kind and loving person you might want to share a bit with her and why sometimes what she says/does might send your CPTSD surging to the surface (which we get here, it sometimes does not take much to really trigger, especially if we're afraid we're going to lose a good thing).

I think I would understand if I were her that you did not grow up in a safe home and react to even a hint of negativity. It might even be a good chance for you to experience trusting a healthy person with a bit of what you feel inside and see how they react.