I Don't Want to Wish You Happy Birthday (But I Still Do)

[GettingThere]

Dad,

You're turning 70 next week and you have no idea where I am. For the last two years, you haven't known where I live, where I work, or even if I'm still alive. No one in our family knows. And you never will again.

You'll never know that I live in your favourite city in the world. I live here because it's my favourite city too - because of you. You'll never know that right now I'm watching the sunset over your favourite landscape and am enjoying the view just as much as you would. You'll never know that my dog, the dog you helped me raise, loves playing in the park near our house and that sometimes I wish you were at the park with us.

You'll never know that when I did art therapy at a women's centre, I wrote a song about you and it was the first song I ever wrote piano accompaniment for. You'll never know that song was about what it was like to finally understand that you never loved me. You'll never know that I listen to that song all the time and that it stops me from calling you.

You'll never know that when the most recent US president was elected, I sat on my kitchen floor at one in the morning and cried because I wished I could call you and hear you comfort me just like you did the first time he was elected. You'll never know that I still miss you telling people you were so proud to have a lesbian daughter - even though I know now that was a lie.

You'll never know that I'm going back to school to become a therapist for women who have survived men like you because there aren't enough therapists who are even aware that men as violent as you exist. You'll never know that I don't blame mom as much as I used to for staying with you even after your sister warned mom about what you did to her when she was little. You'll never know that going through the process of leaving you behind and experiencing how hard that was helped me understand why mom was never able to leave you.

You'll never know that I still miss the beautiful parts of you, even though I know they were never real. You'll never know that I still think you're funny, and adventurous, and brilliant even while I know you're insidious, and monstrous, and diabolical.

You'll never know how hard it was to stop loving you. Because it meant forgiving myself for believing all of your lies.

And you'll never know that in spite of it all, I still want you to have a happy 70th birthday.