Hope's Journal 2025

[Hope67]

31st August 2025
Currently reading a really interesting and useful book by Ethan Kross called "Shift: How to Manage Your Emotions so They Don't Manage You" - this feels really timely as I have been attempting to self-regulate in recent months/years.  Ethan Kross is a professor at the University of Michigan and directs the Emotion and Self-Control Laboratory there.  I am enjoying his book and on p.63 he commented that "effortful emotion regulation tools are often effective, but they require time and concentration".  He talks about how journalling is especially effective - so I felt motivated to put in some effort and turn up to journal here.  I am hand-writing first - but will most likely also type it out to my journal in the trauma forum - then tear up the pages. (Indeed, here I am now typinc).  This will be for the part of me who fears the paper pages being found and read by anyone.  Weirdly, I think about someone finding them if I had died - an not being sure who that person might be.  I don't mind the trauma forum people reading the words.  I've appreciated being able to read what others have written and hope that whoever reads these words also gets something positive from it. (As I'm typing this now, reading what I wrote, I feel as if part of me was being a bit doom-laden, as I really do want to live and don't want to die - but yet I'm writing about what might happen in the event that I'd died).

I have been doing a lot of processing in recent weeks.  I am using bilateral stimulation (eye movements and sometimes tapping) and leaning more towards memories, sensations and feelings.  I have definitely found that helpful and I think I've managed to keep my brain online more to enable me to process.  I've noticed a lot of somatic type things - noticing how that can move through my body as it hopefully exits more.

I also had an experience a couple of nights ago when I felt intense fear - but instead of reacting to that, I was able to stay curious and mindful (sense of self was engaged and online) and I spoke to the fear as if it was a part and I thanked it for being there and showing itself, and said 'I know yoiu are afraid, I'm glad you're here, and I don't want you to feel alone with your fear.  I'm here too, and I care about you.' (Can't recall the exact words in my mind - but it felt really significant.  Really important to me.)

Sitting here blankly now - I think I'll type this up and then remove the written pages.

[sanmagic7]

hope, i didn't think at all that you had a death wish or anything like that.  it turns out both my D and i have done the same thing w/ written pages.  the writing seemed to be the important thing, more so than the keeping.  and neither of us wanted anyone in the future to find what we had written.  so, it didn't seem strange to me at all.  i think if you find something that makes sense to you, then just do it.

i didn't know you used BLS, but i'm glad it's helping.  it's been helping me, too, especially for sleeping.  keep up the good work!  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

It was great to read about how you managed the fear you felt. That sounds perfect and I am very happy that your sense of self was engaged and online so you were able to do this so well. Good for you. 

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic - Yes the BLS has been helping, and glad to hear you also find it helpful too.  Sending you love and hugs too 

Hi NarcKiddo - Thank you - I felt it was significant that the fearful part showed up, and that I saw that part.  It's a bit like when you see a fawn who is trembling, and you want to encourage it that it will be ok, rather than frighten it so it runs away.  Or at least that's what came to my mind as I wrote this to you.

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31st August 2025
Finding that I feel excessively hungry this morning - but don't want to give in to those feelings, as I am not keen to snack mid morning - I am usually ok till lunchtime, but today I feel excessive hunger.  So wondering if maybe that's a communication from a part - rather than real hunger. 

I prefer week days to weekends.  It is of course the weekend now.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow, but I am also keen to ensure that today's hours are spent in a way that will be ok. 

[natureluvr]

Great on the journaling.  I've found that journaling really helps me, when I have a lot of intense negative emotions inside of me that feel stuck.  I like how you dealt with your fear - you were gentle on yourself and accepting, instead of just trying to get rid of the fear.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope the weekend was pleasant. And now it is Monday.  I don't know why, but it always makes me smile when I come across someone who says something very different to most. As in, you like weekdays whereas most people moan like anything about Monday coming around. And the Turks who run a local restaurant don't like hot weather and moved to England for the climate. They say this in particular when it is pouring with rain outside and everyone else is complaining.

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope, i found it interesting that you thought your hunger pangs might be caused by a 'part' rather than it's you who are feeling hungry.  i would've never seen it that way, so it's eye opening to think of that.  thanks for sharing.  something for me to keep in mind.  i've usually put it down to the idea that i've done a lot of 'brain' (concentrating, focusing on numbers or paperwork, editing, that sort of thing) work and it's my brain that's telling me it needs extra fuel at that particular time. 

keep up the good work.  i think it's a good idea to write here about your hunger rather than run to the fridge or something.  if i could remember, i'd like to do that as well.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Natureluvr, Thank you and I'm glad you also find journalling really helps you.  I definitely hope to turn to it more often.

Hi NarcKiddo, Yay, it is Monday - and I am happier today.  I also don't like hot weather either.    

Hi SanMagic, Yes, it was down to Janina Fisher's suggestions that I consider any feeling/thought as a potential communication from 'parts' - and it has helped me to focus on situations in a different/often more helpful way, so I'm tending to continue with that frame of mind.  I was pleased that I didn't reach for a snack, and that writing about it here did help.   

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1st September 2025
I ended up with a headache yesterday that stayed with me through the night as well - I had had a visit to see my in-laws, and whilst it went ok, I think the intense concentration of that - both in terms of the apprehension beforehand, then the focusing during the interactions, and then the after-effect (just relaxing and realising it had been better than I thought) - I still had a headache, which hurt a lot.  However, I am thankful that I did sleep ok, and woke feeling better - the headache had gone.  I am relieved.

Today has been much better - managed to do some things I needed to do.  Feels good.

Hope

[sanmagic7]

hope, so glad that pesky headache went away.  they suck! 

keep up the good work listening to those parts, and congrats on reaching for the keyboard instead of the snack.  love and hugs

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

Have just finished reading your journal and that's great you were able to stay with the part that felt fear.

I hope things went ok at your inlaws after what happened before. Did you manage to speak to her about it? Maybe the headache is a way of the body telling you something is coming up.

Sending you support