Observe, Don't Absorb

[NarcKiddo]

This is a technique I came across quite a while ago, now. I think it was someone on Out of the Fog who was talking about it. The actual technique was devised by Ross Rosenberg
https://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/hmsblog/observe-dont-absorb-technique-how-to-disconnect-from-the-narcissist/

I admit that I have not done much digging in his website about this technique. The approach I read about, which I have used, may vary from whatever Mr Rosenberg describes on his website. It is as follows:

You start by using it with people you regularly interact with, for whatever reason.

You think about things they generally do or say that trigger you or get to you in some way, and make a list of these. In the case of my FOO there would be things like misogynistic comments, political rants, nasty gossip about friends, mean comments about things they know I like, mean anecdotes about my childhood, comments about my weight or appearance etc etc.

You make a mental note of this list if you have to visit in person and imagine you are a scientist. It can help, initially, to go to town on this aspect before the interaction. Mentally dress yourself in a lab coat, give yourself a clipboard. Plug in a super-computer. Whatever. Your job is to undertake a research project and this stage of the project involves identifying all examples of their narcissistic behaviour. You mentally (or physically if you are on the phone to them and feel like using an actual list) tick off all the instances of bad behaviour. Congratulate yourself for spotting the examples. The worse they behave the better it is for your research project! Keep a note of other behaviours that did not make the original list for use next time.

The object of the exercise is to keep you from absorbing all their nastiness because you are too busy observing it. Looking out for it gives your logical brain a purpose which can override your emotional reactions when the nastiness kicks off.

I have found it astonishingly helpful. More so than grey rock, which I also employ to ensure I am boring company. I have found grey rock has had long term success but is not necessarily all that helpful to me, emotionally, in the moment. This technique is.

As time has gone on I have stopped doing all the prep work of getting myself into the groove as a scientist but I still mentally mark all examples of nastiness and say to myself "I knew she'd say/do something along those lines." I've never bothered actually ticking off a list if I am on the phone, but I do have notices plastered around the room in which I tend to take FOO calls saying "Observe, Don't Absorb" just to remind me to get my brain in gear.

[Hope67]

Wow NarcKiddo, I really think this could be very helpful, thank you very much for writing out the background and methodology to this technique.  I haven't looked at the website link yet, but your description of how to do it is really good.  Very clear and I will hope to definitely try it properly. 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad you think it could be helpful. And actually, for anyone reading this thread who wants to try out the approach, feel free to report your experiences here, if you like, or even use the thread to keep a record of things on your list. Other people are likely to have similar issues so a central repository of bad behaviour examples might come in handy.

[Dalloway]

Thank you, NarcKiddo, for introducing this technique. I like it very much and it immediately reminded me of some people at work with whom I have this exact problem that they are behaving in a certain way and saying the same certain things all the time that I find extremely triggering. I find myself triggered even just imagining that they are going to approach me with the same stuff again every time I see them. I always get caught up in endless thoughts like "why are they like this, why are they doing this to me/saying mean stuff to me etc" and it makes me feel very sad and depressed even. I´ll definitely try this next time.

[Kizzie]

There's another technique by Ross Rosenburg that he tacks onto the "Observe, Don't Absorb" technique I really like called The "Of Course" Method: Neutralizing Narcissistic Abuse. Link -https://www.selfloverecovery.com/blogs/blog/of-course-method 

THE "OF COURSE METHOD" IN PRACTICE These two words are enormously powerful because they affirm what you already know to be true about the narcissist. They allow you to retain your power and not hand it over. Instead of being triggered and activated by what they're saying, you are remaining in control. The end goal of the "Of Course Method" is to remove yourself from the situation or end the conversation. It is not to engage in the conversation longer or make them upset, but to get out of the conversation.

The following is an example how of the "Of Course Method" may sound when applied:

"Of course they would comment on my looks, because they know I'm insecure and will get upset."
"Of course they would try to discredit my viewpoints because it used to make me angry."
"Of course they would laugh at me, knowing that always made me fight back before."
"Of course they would make a comment about that; they know it bothers me."
"Of course they would bring up that situation in the past—I've heard them talk about it a million times."

Instead of allowing their comments to trigger you as they have in the past, you calmly repeat "of course" in your head, fortifying you to remain as an observer and not engage in the conversation."

Keep in mind that using the "Of Course Method" may make the situation funny. It's just so obvious what they're doing, and you might get a laugh out of it!



I actually was/am able to do this with some N's although I am still reactive sometimes when I unexpectedly get stuck being around an N. Need more practice I guess!