Why am I reacting to everything?

[Fennec]

Today my partner called me from across the apartment to come turn on the heater that was 2 meters away from them and I got so frustrated. Yeah they were on a call but they could have said one sec and got it themselves. If I'm honest though thats not even what made me so frustrated.

I mean it was part of it but not as much as the fact that my last partner wouldn't do anything for themselves ever. After years of that, the helpful part of me that wants to do that stuff for people I love is now pushed below the angry, self protective part of me that's had to take care of every single thing for myself and everyone else in my life since I was small and is really upset that others get to have help I never did. I don't even know how to ask for that kind of help and it feels so entirely unfair sometimes that other people get to have that. I've loved helping the people in my heart for so long, and now I feel like that part of me is broken. I don't want to get hurt or taken advantage of again so I appreciate that I guard myself more now but I just want to be able to take care of my partner in small ways without feeling frustrated. I hate how that's changed.

It was also hearing my name called with no explanation as to what they wanted me for, and no response when I asked repeatedly. It was the familiar slow realization I'd been summoned and the flash of fear and anger that ran through me because that was how my parents summoned me when they wanted me to step into their domain to be yelled at. So being summoned like that threw me so off ballence and when I worked through the initial frustration at being summoned only to find they wanted me for something they could have so easily done themselves, the frustration can right back.

It was also the fact that I was focused on making dinner for us already and was doing the dishes they were meant to do today since it was their day off, while I worked and got groceries and cooked. I felt like I couldn't get the help I  needed so why am I now helping them even more with something that was far closer to them than me?

I hate feeling this way because I can tell it's unwarranted and I love my partner and I know they're tired too and they do help me when I need it and manage all the life tasks with me. Today alone they helped me feel safe and hopeful when I felt so anxious and came to help me carry groceries when I couldn't make home with so many heavy bags in the heat. They've been supportive and patient and there for me so much the last couple weeks since the real over arching cause of my frustration occurred: I went no contact with my parents at long last.

Despite the fact they never were there for me it's shaking me to my foundation that my parents are no longer available as a last resort. I've never stepped so far away from them and I'm so glad I did it to protect myself but I'm so scared it'll hurt me. And I'm even more scared that I'll loose the people in my life that actually matter to me next.
All it took was me speaking up for myself about how miserable they made me, mentioning about .000001% of it, and suddenly my dad is telling me how horrible I am, what an ungrateful spoiled child I am. What if speaking up for myself with someone I love had the same result? What if all it takes is one little thing for them to hate me too? I'm so scared
And all I keep doing is fighting.
Fighting to be heard, fighting to be considered, fighting to see if there's a line where it's too much and they'll leave.
I don't want that so why am I reacting this way?
Why do I feel so out of control?
Why does everything feel so big?
Why can't my chest ever stop feeling like fear and anxiety and the biggest pit of neglect and grief?
When do I get to feel ok again?
When do I get to feel like me again?
and where do I find directions back to how it used to feel in my head?

[Kizzie]

The simple answer is you have CPTSD and all of your symptoms are normal reactions to abnormal behaviour directed at you. Anything that reminds you of how you were treated is bound to rise up and cause you to feel fear/anger.

One thing I've done with my partner for a few years now is tell him when something irritates me and why which is often because it feels like how I was treated in the past even if he doesn't mean it that way. We talk it out so he's aware I have this leftover piece of fear/anger and sometimes he triggers me if it is reminiscent. The helpful part of this is I know what's going on (like you knew why you were triggered), and he knows too. That takes the fear and anger out of things and means young me is not scared he will leave me because he understands what I went through and how it bleeds into the present sometimes. And because we both work on understanding it usually resolves and that all important trust is maintained.  It's actually something I think we (survivors) need to do more of with others despite remembering what happened to us - like what your parents did.  Not everyone is that cruel/hostile.   

Just my thoughts of course but I hope they help.

[NarcKiddo]

 

Any strong emotional reaction that seems way out of proportion to the situation at hand is likely a trauma reaction. You did well to think through why you were so upset at being summoned by your partner in the present, and how it reminds you of a helpless situation in the past. Your inner child is likely feeling very scared, hence the boiling up of emotion. My therapist suggests that when such things happen to me I try to think, like you did, of what is causing the upset, and remind myself that I am now an adult who has no need to be scared and no requirement to obey. In the case of the heater, for example, a possible future approach might be:
Notice the anger.
Think about why you are angry before you respond to the demand.
Tell yourself (your inner child) that you are an adult and it is not your parents summoning you. Yes, it is annoying to be summoned by anyone but you do not have to respond to the demand. You can ignore it or even pretend you did not hear.
If you decide to do what is requested then you as an adult now will be deciding to do it, even if you are annoyed. So it will likely feel less triggering. And you can also resolve to discuss with your partner later to see if they can maybe modify annoying behaviour a bit.

It's a slow process to deal with CPTSD but if you are able to pull yourself back from an emotional reaction just enough to start analysing it will give you much more control over the situation. I have found it is not always possible to stop an emotional reaction (EF) but over time I have been able to stop some, and in other cases to keep at least part of adult me "in the room" which helps massively in managing the situation.