Soothing myself while speaking up

[Matilda2]

Thank you. Thanks. That means a lot.

It just...I keep wondering if it's me. They pushed every button they could find. In the subtlest of ways. But I was still the one who responded. And my character was wrecked. They brought out the very worst in me. But I keep wondering if they would have been kind. If I had responded better. Or if I saw it wrong. Because there was this perfectly sweet side.

Right now dad is planning a trip to Africa. With my kid. I accidently found out. He says he will not discuss it. And will push it through with CPS. If I give them notice, they tell me how "kid is in between". He isn't. There is one person doing constant nasty power struggles. And one person being clueless how to protect her child. That is not "in between."

[Matilda2]

Your words are perfect by the way.

[Matilda2]

I will use them.

[Matilda2]

What is a normal family like? What do they do, when they are angry?

I eventually understood that csa is not normal. And forcing your minor daughter to sleep in bed with her boyfriend against her will. And defending her abuser. And beating her to the ground and laughing that she must have slipped. And keeping her child awake when he says he is scared. And lying to the family and cps so that there won't be help.

But how about stonewalling and silent treatment? Or nasty sneers? Or eye rolls and pouting rather than just saying you are angry? Is this what people do? Are normal people like that? Or do they just say: ey, I am angry, can we talk. How do they fight in a normal family?  

I know with my healthy ex, when he or I doesn't like something, we just say it. And are a little angry for a bit. Maybe say one or two things that are a little more harsh than normal. Look angry. But there's no games. And it's over in a short time. That is normal. Right?

[Armee]

Yes what you described with your ex's family is normal. What you describe with yours is not normal at all. It is violent abusive illegal criminal

[Matilda2]

Thank you.

I finally start to get stronger. My responses were wrong too in a billion ways. This gave them ammunition and ramped up their defences. I may have been able to soften them earlier. Had I been calm. I was no better. Also I should have fought a whole lot harder (or different hard) to keep my kid away from them. And better the situation on my side. But I at least tried to seek help and break the cycle.

My parents and brothers are still stuck in the "we are perfect" phase. Except for nonsensical stuff like "i maybe did two small things wrong too, ever, and I said sorry, why don't you stop and let me have a fun old day with your kid". Which doesn't feel suiting for driving your child to insanity and near death. Which also hurt her child. And playing the whole family apart.

I feel weird. I accepted reality. Finally. They abused me and I abused them back. And we all wrecked kids life with that. That I cannot change the past or them. And after 5 billion versions of no over 4 decades, they probably mean that they are not willing to change. And will continu the manipulative power struggle. And if I keep asking, 

Which means I have to stop dissociating that away. Or trying for force them to change. But have to decide how I answer this. 

1. Focus on my own life. Build a good life on my side.

2. Be there for kid as good I can. They can do materialism and hiding behind screens and alienation and prestige and buying his love with fancy travels booked behind my back. We will do love and honesty and simplicity and empathy and care for the vulnerable and  selfreflection here. The more kid sees the good side of that. The more the chance he goes along. More then when I'm crying and fighting and fearing.

3. Speak up with cps. Even if I cannot prove it. And dad will have a whole bunch of stuff against me. But I am done with hiding the truth. I will not lie anymore. I am done with all the unacceptable stuff we all did. I quit joining in.

4. Stop going along in their mind and power games. I'm done. We all did wrong. I will stick with my original character. They can do their manipulation  business. I will no longer respond. I'm done. Just done. * off. I forgive. I empathise with their reasons. Their pain. I see my share. They are welcome in my life again the day they quit. But not whilst doing gaslighting and all. It is contaminating and I don't want it.

[Matilda2]

I do think balancing truth with mildness is important.

Dad has autism (plus other stuff). Dad had a * childhood. Nobody taught him social or emotional skills. He says his mum was a manipulator and his dad was never there, never talked. My mum wasn't the easiest. My trauma absolutely freaked me out. But him too. He is terrified of emotions. And mine exploded out at a certain point. He did his best. He is not a sociopath. He is not evil. He is absolutely terrified and clueless. And shut off his empathy in a way. I wasn't the complete cause of that. As he says. But part of it. He behaves like a nasty person. But I'll be mild. I too was a nasty person when terrified. Nearly everyone is their worst self when overwhelmed. My worst self is I'm overwhelmed with feelings. His worst self apparently is that he becomes a manipulative controlfreak.

I have a few friends who are honest and also ask critical questions. Ex said: Matilda. You too could not selfreflect. When we met. Remember?  You can now. But you could not.

I guess I can speak up for what happened and what I want. Not let dad manipulate or threaten or blackmail me into silence. There will be a backlash of all the bad stuff I ever did. Being put in front of a court. And I will look absolutely *. Which is was. I will no longer lie though. But I will be kindly truthful.

[Matilda2]

I was thinking.

Now I acknowledged my pain. I realise. In my childhood there was also a lot of love. My parents also did crazy weird stuff. But they did their best. They were emotionally disabled. I really see they tried. Hard. It was both them trying AND me not being seen.

I repeated my childhood with nasty boyfriends. This was my responsibility. But also rather...weird from my parents side. What parent knows their minor kid has a boyfriend who is a liar and gives them harddrugs to try... and says later, shrugging: "that was not my business"? (Whose was it then to raise me, dad? And correct me for a mistake? Protect me? If not you? I was a child. Living at home.)

There was a period my trauma exploded out of me. I was really not okay back then. I had begged for help everywhere. And nobody listened. I was impossible to deal with then. And the main problem. Blind panic. My family did bizarre stuff too. Like steal diaries or say crazy stuff or subtly undermine the bond with my kid. But I truly was the bigger problem then.

Mum died and they all blamed me. Me too. And cast me out. And played nasty games. When I started a process of self reflection, they did not. They were nasty and manipulative. And kept me ill. I despaired and could not recover. In this period they were the main culprit. I think.

I know I had a role. But I refuse to be blamed for the problems of the complete family any longer. My trauma coming out was also because they ignored every signal for decades.

[Matilda2]

Now I acknowledged my own pain. And what was wrong in my family. I also see my dads positive sides. And how hard he tried. And how hard my mum tried. And how difficult my trauma was for them. As theirs was for me. 

They have emotional disabilities. And the circumstances were terribly hard.

I think I should be more forgiving. I can acknowledge that his behaviour was threatening to me, and mine to him. Yet know he did what he could. I don't think he is narcissistic. I think he is autistic. And traumatised. My trauma came out in a way that frightened and hurt him badly. And he never learnt a way to express that well. He learnt horrid communication skills. So it comes out in underhanded ways. That I rightly feared.

I decided to acknowledge my own pain myself. AND do not let him intimidate me into silence and obedience AND take responsibility for my own side. AND see his hurt and good sides.

[Matilda2]

At work we learn to look beneath problematic behaviour. In dads case this is not evil. But fear and pain.

[Matilda2]

Tomorrow morning I will e-mail them.

I decided to write a short mail. Where I write a compliment: I felt seen and safe. And that this gave me the courage to say that I was not capable of speaking up. Tell my reasons (being intimidated, faith and love for dad, not having the words). And ask for a second conversation. I think I can better explain in real life. As I can see their response, and know they believe and understand...or it is shoved under "misses is delusional".

I realised I can speak up AND be loving to dad. If he cannot handle that. He should not have done all these things.

My incestuous uncle had the balls to admit his faults. I sought help everywhere for mine. Dad hides his. Even if there's no way to win this. I refuse to still lie. About my faults and his. I may not get back my kid. But I'm done being silenced. I will live a life that fits my values. So that kid at least has his real mother. Rather than a terrified mess who is driven away from her real character.
 

[Matilda2]

I also will write a practical mail. With the practical problems I meet.

Like dad planning a holiday to Africa with no discussion. Or dad driving kid up and down everywhere - which is really abnormal here, all kids bicycle to school when they are 6 oe 8. Kid is 14 and pampered. Which SEEMS sweet. But it IS not. It keeps him dependent. Which is exactly the purpose. And also, I asked dad not to, and he said with a smirk that he would not listen to me... and now he does exactly the opposite. Idiot.