Anger toward therapist for no reason

[storyworld]

Hey, all,
It's been a looooong time since I've posted anything. According to my therapist, I have disorganized attachment. I recognize this may be causing or exacerbating this, but I am feeling upset at my therapist for no reason, just a general feeling of ... wanting to pull away, and wanting to end therapy. In our last session, I disclosed some things that ... shook me. Things I don't think I want to talk about, but there's also a part of me that thinks I need to. There's another part of me that says what the ---- I just need to get on with my life and forget this whole therapy stuff. And I'm feeling a strong pull to terminate. BUT, I also know, if I terminate, I'll lose my spot so don't want to act more rashly than I feel at the moment.

[NarcKiddo]

It's good that you are thinking about this rather than simply firing the therapist. It is probably also worth mentioning to the therapist. They may well want to explore with you which parts of you are wanting to pull away and which parts don't. I recommend you check out the book "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" by Janina Fisher. It's free on Audible if you happen to subscribe. I am listening at the moment. It speaks to the issues you describe and you may find it useful.

[dollyvee]

Hey Storyworld,

I also have disorganized attachment, or am Fearful Avoidant, and yep I've been there with the feelings of wanting to terminate. Vulnerability is especially difficult for FAs I think because they usually grow up in an unsafe environment, and even if there's no explicit memory of that unsafe environment, the forces that shaped that attachment are still there. I have very much ended relationships (usually more dating/casual relationships), very quickly after I felt some sort of abandonment or something that didn't feel "safe."

I also had a great experience breaking through to these different parts of myself when I tried IFS.

Sending you support,
dolly

[storyworld]

Thank you, NarcKiddo and Dolly for your encouragement and sharing thoughts/insights. I'm feeling really broken, discouraged, and ... wanting to withdraw from all relationships or potential relationships (except from my husband, who is my rock and safe person). I feel so defective.

[Armee]

Hi I think it is super normal after disclosing something very difficult to want to pull away and cancel. That's normal. When that would happen with me I found it was helpful to focus on something less intense for awhile. Ask your T if you can work on something easier for awhile? Don't worry, the more difficult stuff will reemerge when it's the right time. It doesn't mean you are abandoning that issue.

[storyworld]

Armee, thank you. That makes sense. I had a therapy session today and was able to talk through some things (my fears related to the therapy relationship), and feel better. She is an excellent therapist, and I know this. And, apparently, she can deal with me without getting overwhelmed, stressed, or frustrated. (I know because I asked. haha! And I believe she was truthful in her responses.)

[Armee]

 

This is so fantastic to read! Go you! And your therapist sounds fantastic too.

[NarcKiddo]

That is great. I am really happy you have a good therapist and that you were brave enough to discuss this with her. Well done!

[storyworld]

Thank you! I was actually proud of myself for initiating the conversation as in the past I would've simply withdrawn and likely ended therapy.