Very dysregulated right now - and yet maybe that is a sign of progress?

[NarcKiddo]

I am really struggling with dysregulation right now. It is quite obvious to me why that is. I have had workmen in the house for weeks, I have just come back from a trip to see family (nice family, not FOO, but still - a trip), I have not been able to exercise normally due to rehab work on a bad shoulder, I have a cold, my hot water system is malfunctioning, this is the anniversary of when I was hospitalised with a bad case of pneumonia (I also had at that time workmen in the house). So, yeah, I understand the connections.

I've been crying when I try a new meditation approach (which felt helpful, not bad) and now my psyche has shut that down and refuses to allow me to do that. I then happened upon a book about trauma-sensitive mindfulness which said that meditation with a trauma history can be problematic unless approached with care. OK - thanks, psyche. You're just looking out for me. I've discussed with my T how I might go back to it and try again. I'm currently reading a very helpful book about parts theory. I don't find IFS resonates fully with me but the existence of various child parts certainly does and this book is good. (Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors, by Janina Fisher).

Both books mention the window of tolerance - which as I understand it is basically the level of capacity an individual has to tolerate challenging situations before getting dysregulated.

And I have been realising that my window of tolerance is VERY small. I have had many recent instances of my adult self realising that I am really close to dysregulation after next to no provocation.

Today I was overwhelmed before I could take defensive action. All really minor stuff. I slept well but the cold has not gone so I knew I would need to cancel an exercise session tomorrow morning. My husband put out a new plant pot in the garden yesterday. He is really pleased with it but I hated the position he had chosen. I decided to sleep on it in case it was a child part kicking off and I don't mind it really. But I still hate it this morning so I knew I would have to tell my husband we need to move it. We then went out for coffee (always the highlight of a day for me) but as I was getting into the car he was taking a phone call. From a friend we are due to see next weekend and she was calling him to discuss the arrangements. He passed his phone on to me so he could get on with the driving. That nearly tipped me over the edge. I felt hijacked by having to deal with this call even though I like the person and am looking forward to the lunch. So I dealt with the call. But that meant I was fiddling about with putting the phone away as we approached a place where there is often a traffic problem due to parked cars. Being in the car is a general trigger for me. I always close my eyes at the known problem point and brace for my husband pulling out and then having suddenly to pull back in because a vehicle is coming too fast the other way. I was not ready for it and of course it happened. So I involuntarily reacted with fear as I was jolted around and my husband was irritated (again) by my reaction because he could not have done anything else without crashing.

And I just melted down in tears. Quietly, but he noticed. Anyway, he was kind about it but it didn't really help. Adult me was far too busy trying to sort out whichever kid was having the meltdown. To add insult to injury, when we got to Starbucks there were friends there who we have not seen for a while so I had to behave like a normal person to them. Ugh.

And my husband still has no clue about what is going on with me really because I have not been able to have that conversation with him. He knows I am having therapy and knows how weird FOO is but I have still not had the emotional energy to even start to try to explain anything to him. Of course that gives me another stick to beat myself with because I feel it would be much more fair to him if I were only able to explain at least something. Sigh. One day. At least my T and I have discussed the possibility of my doing so one day.

Why do I think this is progress? I guess because, narrow though the window of tolerance is, at least there is one. And at least sometimes I can be aware of it and take defensive action before total dysregulation. What is more, I am managing to avoid using dissociation as the defensive action, which has always been my go to. It seems I am quite fond of it because I think it enables me to resemble a functional adult so long as people don't look too hard. After many sessions with my T I have come to realise that, useful though dissociation has been, it is actually safer these days if adult me continues driving the bus whenever possible. My miscellaneous kids have their virtues but they are all REALLY bad bus drivers. Far worse than adult me, and that's saying something.

[Blueberry]

  Interesting to read and it does sound like progress.

[Matilda2]

Hey. You sound overwhelmed, but progressing. Big hug.

Something I'm currently reading about came to mind. It is not trauma related. But related to giftedness. Dabrowski writes about positive disintegration. It basically says people often live without reflection on self and environment. They just do as they were told. People who are intellectually, emotionally or otherwise gifted often then desintegrate. They feel overwhelmed. They struggle with inner conflict. They reflect and disagree. This feels less stable and looks less stable to outsiders. Because there is a period of turmoil. But it is a step towards integrating new insights. And functioning on a higher level of self. With more conscious choices. And living from chosen and empathic values, rather than what the environment demanded in childhood.

Not sure how to explain. I read it ages ago. But from this perspective, your turmoil can be seen as a step towards growth. Key is to take time to integrate again. With newfound inner strength. I feel Dabrowski's theory can also be applied to traumatised people.

https://positivepsychology.com/dabrowskis-positive-disintegration/

I wondered...

...are you maybe asking the superhuman and impossible of yourself? To demand integrating big trauma in therapy AND living a fullblown normal peoples life? At the same time?

...what are the external stress factors you can turn off for now? During turmoil period? Sometimes you need to withdraw a bit to grow.

...it is my opinion, but I think taking your husband along in the process may be crucial. In a careful way. So he can support you through turmoil. And you are not growing alone, but together and in z shared direction.

Just some thoughts, take what you like, leave what you don't.

[Kizzie]

Hey NarcKiddo - Just want to send you three BIG hugs. One for understanding why you're feeling so upset, another for realizing it is progress, and a third just because you sound like you could use some hugs.
        

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you, everyone. Hugs are always helpful.

 

Matilda2: I have not come across Dabrowski before but will do some reading. And I love the points you made at the end of your post. Much food for thought.

[Armee]

 

I agree it does sound like progress, which can be a total pain in the butt. Perhaps getting a lot of extra sleep will help get things feeling back on track?

[Desert Flower]

Hey dear NK, I know where you are atm (or where you were when you wrote this) and I just wanted to let you know (you know) it's crappy but that's how it goes sometimes. There will be bad days and it sucks.
But your last paragraph to me really does show you are making progress.
One day at a time ...
Big hugs 

[Kizzie]

How are doing now NarcKiddo?

[NarcKiddo]

Had to see the GP yesterday as the cold turned into a chest infection. That was adding to my problems as I feared that would happen and my GP surgery is so useless. But to be fair to them they answered my call after 15 minutes (which is SPEEDY for them) and I live close by so in under an hour I had got back home with antibiotics. They seem to be helping so that's one worry less. And I had therapy yesterday in which I had a big old cry but I feel much better for that, too. Today I am taking some of my pictures to be exhibited in a local art show. That is scary but also feels very good and little NK is happy about it. So, I think I'm winning!

[Blueberry]

 
  

[Matilda2]

Good that you got help. I know physical issues (infections, pms, food allergy) always cause a surge in trauma feelings in me. Maybe my body thinks an adrenaline or cortisol boost is a good idea in response? Dunno. I hope when the infection is over, your trauma feelings will also calm down. Good luck.

[Kizzie]

That's wonderful on both counts NarcKiddo, that you plowed through and got antibiotics and that you are going to show some of your art.  If you're comfortable, I would love to see some pictures!