Post-Traumatic Growth Journal

[sanmagic7]

well, SO, what, perchance, do you intend to grow?  flowers? veggies?  others?  i'm excited for you, especially that you have your spirit back to do this. 

and thanks, DF, for the description.  i'm gonna use it as well, i think.  so glad you both know about this stuff.  i guess i'm finally at a place where i can hear it and maybe give it a go.  i hope it helps you, SO.  i'm a very big fan of try everything cuz maybe something will stick.  love and hugs

[SenseOrgan]

sanmagic7
My focus is on Edibles. I must admit that I haven't planned this too much. Basically this gardening surge drove by and I decided to hop on. So my plans are developing as I go. A lot of what I used to know is gone and I'm taking a refresher course sprinkled throughout every day.

Both my front- and backyard are about 216 square feet, so quite tiny. The front yard is quite shady and the backyard a mix of sunny and shady. So I have plenty of variables to play around with. I'm planning to grow mostly tea in the longer run. Before I have enough seedlings and they're big enough to plant out, I'll grow a variety of stuff. Both perennial and annual plants. I don't know all the English names.

But to give you an impression of what I have in mind: lettuce, Asian leafy greens, broad beans, edible bamboo, various berries, runner beans, green beans, zucchini, bell pepper, aubergine, sunflower, lemon balm, mint, chives, leek, green onion, coriander, rosemary, potato, hazelnut, pear, peach, chestnut (yes this is nuts in such a small area, pun intended), Jerusalem artichoke, parsnips, turnip type crops, Indian cress. I'm sad that I have to terminate the oca, which has been doing surprisingly well in my backyard. I can't eat it due to the oxalate and my kidney stone risk (which rules out other things too, like spinach). There's a bunch more I don't know the English name of. I'm also sneaking some things in in places adjacent to my place, which I can harvest as plant nutrients, like comfrey. Think permaculture...

There's one thing I'd like to share about the relaxation practices. I go to bed early, and in this time of year it's still light when I start my winding down routine before I go to bed. I'd been using a sleep mask lately and decided to wear it while doing the PMR and subsequent meditation. This has definitively been beneficial for relaxation during PMR. I had not thought of this, but it's the same principle as we use in PSIP, where the mask helps to go inwards and stay with feelings and physical sensations instead of thought. During PMR, this helps me to stay with the feeling of relaxation I manage to start/pick up. A very nice surprise :-)

Tomorrow I'll start my 5th week of a six week PMR commitment. It looks like it took this long to start getting a bit of a hang of it. Now I'm starting to have a response dr Reitav mentioned in the putting trauma to sleep book. I get these waves of relaxation and a yawn response, followed by a bit of teary eyes. Nothing emotional. Apparently this is a sign of relaxation, which is also what it feels like. To add to DF's response, the breath is a very important part of it, and I'm only just starting to experience it the way it's often promoted for. For me, there's a specific way I breathe which helps me get there. I throw in a pinch of Ujjayi breath, which lands me between efforting to prolong the exhalation and enjoying the "laziness" of the exhale at the same time. It's a delicate balance. I hope this makes sense. 

[sanmagic7]

it does make sense, SO.  the idea of sticking with it for several weeks also makes sense.  i've done the breathing a few times, have been getting stuck on being anxious about whether i'm doing it right, stomach out instead of chest, and i get frustrated and stop.  i can mentally understand what needs to be done and why, but i've been having difficulty feeling relaxed about it.  sounds like this needs practice, and to just go with it for a while.  thank you for your extended explanation.  it really helped.  (I have to admit that when i first read 'my focus is on edibles' i thought you were raising pot!)

as for your garden - o my!  what a variety!  it all sounds delicious, nutritious, and the entire thing just sounds wonderful!  so very glad for you!  when i lived in our house as a family, and had my garden, i felt very good about giving my family healthy food for at least 3 months out of the year.  no chemicals.  i don't know if they appreciated it as much as i did, but i knew and felt great about it.

keep it up.  it all sounds great.  love and hugs

[Chart]

(I have to admit that when i first read 'my focus is on edibles' i thought you were raising pot!)

San, this gave me a good laugh! Imagine growing marijuana in Holland of all places!

I've had some thoughts spring up in my head about breathing. But first, SenseOrgan, thanks so much for sharing  your detailed experiences and analyses of panic attacks... I so identify with that feeling of "Oh god, not this, not now, not while I'm trying so hard to heal..." It just seems so horribly unfair. On top of all the crap we're already dealing with, along comes another layer out of the blue to just push us to our maximum... I just want to say how impressed I am that you are still doing what you need and want to do, despite these obstacles the Universe has decided to throw into your path. The Cosmos must think that you are up to the task, apparently. But that doesn't make it any less difficult. Would it be correct to call this "Nervous System Regulation Training"? NSRT? Have you invented a new modality? I'm actually only half-joking. It's almost like we are all professional athletes, on that cutting edge limit of what can be done, and what can't. Re-working our nervous systems, going back to square one, all the things that babies need in their environment, and that were absent from ours... Calm, safety, mirrored understanding... everything that builds the foundation blocks for a nervous system that will evolve into a working, functioning tool, helping us in times of stress, but not staying in that one mode, also capable of switching back to the mode of healing. Reading your posts I've realized all sorts of subtle elements about my own similar experiences. But I won't go into that too much here in your journal.

What I do want to say however touches on breathing. I recall awhile back discussing PMR with San and her mentioning just how triggering certain exercises were. This really puzzled me and I guess I've been reflecting on it (unconsciously?) because now it seems much clearer to me. I'm just theorizing and don't have any clear evidence or external references, but I believe that the Freeze response includes shutting down breathing. If this mode was the dominant manner to achieve safety for us, then even gentle regulated breathing could trigger us out of our default safety mode of Freeze. Flight requires intense breathing, Fight too. But Freeze requires we "stop" breathing, or reduces it greatly. Thus any focus on breathing directly, or breathing more intensely can trigger in us an unsafe situation, especially in our bodies. Considering just how sensitive Cptsd can make us, this might be a hair-fine trigger, meaning even the slightest manipulation of breathing can become a trigger.

These are just some thoughts (amongst many) that came up reading through your journal. Hope it helps, if not please feel free to ignore... or maybe I'm already stating something that is well-known.

So, your garden sounds like a paradise :-)