I want to take agency over my life (TW: mention of S*icide)

[heatherstorm]

Hi, this is my first journal entry. I'm 28 years old and am only now realizing that I've been living with toxic shame all through my teenage years until now. I've been ignoring my needs to a point where I would regulary almost pass out, letting the inner critic go havoc on me and also been TW having passive suicidal ideation and also tried to commit several times.

Some month ago I've been diagnosed with Cptsd and so much makes sense to me now. The constant feeling of emptiness, helplessness, being disconnected to everyone around me, the dissociation, freezing, the many heavy depressive episodes and having extreme heavy fear of failure.

Recently I came out of my third inpatient stay, which lastet 8 weeks. I admitted myself after I spiraled into a heavy depressive episode. The trigger were being around my classmates in Occupational therapy school and comparing my seemingly empty life to my classmates lives, feeling less knowledgable then them, the fear of failure and not beliving in myself to pass the final exams. I started to avoid everything by sleeping the days away and stopped eating and drinking.

During my 8 weeks inpatient stay I was mostly laying around in bed or sleeping, unable to participate in the sports therapies. I didn't help me to be around people that also had depression. Instead I compared myself to others. "At least they already graduated from university" "At least they found a partner for life and built a family" "At least they had already lived their lives". I would frequently hide in my room just to avoid interaction because weirdly enough I felt ashamed that I'm a 28 year old that only graduated high school and hadn't worked a full- time job yet. I felt so disconnected again, because people actually had a childhood and youth unlike me. (My parents would isolate me and I wasn't allowed to go out and make friends. And if I did there were harsh consquences). I was so afraid of not being ale to hold a conversation. My whole stay I felt like a child that desperatly wanted to be saved. I was even unable to actively participate in one on one sessions with my therapist. Because of my dissociation, deep shame about being mentally ill and feeling of inadequacy, many times I couldn't even answer her questions and my whole body would tense up. There was a big resistance within me to do the homework that my therapist would give me (she is CBT based). It felt to me like I failed again, altough I've already had several therapists throughout my life and two other hospital stays, where I learned skills and other tools to combat my depressive episodes. The shame didn't subside during my hospital stay. To be honest in those weeks I just wanted someone to scoop me up, hold me, cure all my symptoms and do the work for me. I was beyond exhausted from hearing all the same content again...I felt like I wasted everyones time and was extremly lazy.

After 8 weeks I couldn't take it anymore and went home. I realized that the only one that can help me is myself. Of yourse I'm still going to therapy, but therapy in essence is just helping you to self- help. Your therapist can guide you, but you have to do the work and change your routines, behaviour and use the tools provided.

 
Now that I'm home I started to look after myself more. Everyday I try to eat 3 meals, drink enough water and listen to what I wanted to do, instead of feeling guilty that I didn't do anything productive. I'm also working on self- compassion to conquer my toxic shame. Im planning on going back to my Occupational Therapy school within 3 weeks if my self-care routine sticks. Also I'm starting to adress my fear of failure with my therapist using EMDR soon. Although my anexity is very high and there will be a lot of stressful exams coming towards me, I know I can't run from it forever.

I'm 28 years old and am only now realizing that my cPtsd has caused me a great lack of self-worth and made me feel like a helpless child. I've been dealing with my mental health issues for a while now. But little by little I want to make positive life style changes. Because I want to take agency over my life and belive in myself.

[heatherstorm]

November 21st

Today I woke up two hours earlier than yesterday. Even though it's just a small improvement, I'm still proud of myself! I woke up with a strong urge to get back to bed again but I fought the urge and succeeded, it helped that I went out to run errands and doing the laundry. After I came home I started to read a self help book called "Emotional Resilience" by Dr. Harry Barry. In this book he presents the reader with cbt based skills that supposed to help in building emotional resilience. I'm not sure if it's going to actually help me but I'm willing to try.
Other than that I dived into some self- compassion practice through Kristin Neffs website (also ordered her workbook and am excited to try it out and work through it).

I also reached my goals of eating 3 meals a day and drinking enough water. Day by day I'm learning to nurture and respect my body. Through looking after my basic needs I learn to trust myself more and more and am realizing that I'm capable of taking care of myself.

My day didn't went completly smooth, as I felt a really big sense of loneliness in the evening. Like I was a stranger on this planet, an alien. Someone that couldn't relate to anyone in this world. I know this feeling all too well and it makes me feel very sad and utterly lonely. It's hard to describe. Maybe it's because I never felt a sense of belonging not with my family or even the few people I call friends. Everyone has their own life and I find it hard to build my own or even spend time with myself. Am I supposed to have these great interests, a large group of friends to hang out with and great stories of all the fun weekends to tell? Maybe I feel this way because my self- esteem is at a all time low and I feel so inferior towards everyone.
Although logically I know that everyone is going through something and suffering in a way, I still feel alienated. My life feels so empty, all I can remember of my childhood and youth is isolation and loneliness. And a big chunk of my adult life was spent in depression and isolation too. The story repeats itself.

I don't want to keep going like this anymore.
I want to live. I want to experience.
I don't want to rely on others anymore to feel fullfilled or happy...
I want to find home within myself and accept myself the way I am....
It's a long road ahead and I want to belive that I'm capable of doing it...

[rainydiary]

Hi heatherstorm,  I wanted to check in and say that I read your posts.  I'm here cheering for you.

[Blueberry]

There was a big resistance within me to do the homework that my therapist would give me (she is CBT based). It felt to me like I failed again, altough...

I want to let you know that I really resonate with this! I have a lot of trouble doing therapy homework, practising anything, keeping going in that kind of way. My current therapists (a trauma therapist and an occupational therapist) don't actually give me any homework. They let things evolve within me as I go, which things do. But I still often feel bad and inadequate about not doing more, more often etc.

You seem to me to be making progress, when I read your Journal
Baby steps count.

[StartingHealing]

heatherstorm,

You are off to a really good start by my reckoning.  Like Blueberry said, baby steps count. 

Wishing you all the best

[heatherstorm]

Hi heatherstorm,  I wanted to check in and say that I read your posts.  I'm here cheering for you.

Hey rainydiary,
thank you so much!

[heatherstorm]

There was a big resistance within me to do the homework that my therapist would give me (she is CBT based). It felt to me like I failed again, altough...

I want to let you know that I really resonate with this! I have a lot of trouble doing therapy homework, practising anything, keeping going in that kind of way. My current therapists (a trauma therapist and an occupational therapist) don't actually give me any homework. They let things evolve within me as I go, which things do. But I still often feel bad and inadequate about not doing more, more often etc.

You seem to me to be making progress, when I read your Journal
Baby steps count.

Yeah exactly, I feel an immense pressure when I'm presented with homework. I just keep procrastinating.
And yeah I guess I need to get more into the mindset that I'm making progress, even if it's babysetps. 

[heatherstorm]

heatherstorm,

You are off to a really good start by my reckoning.  Like Blueberry said, baby steps count. 

Wishing you all the best

Thank you StartingHealing! I'm also wishing you all the best.

[heatherstorm]

November 22nd

I don't know what exactly happened but yesterday I went to sleep way too late. Ruminating on my diagnosis by running questions regarding symptoms of cPTSD through google and reading up on answers on reddit. I know it's an maladaptive behaviour, but at times when I feel disconnected from everyone I just want to feel a sense of belonging. Like I'm not completly alone with this. Ironically the rumination just makes things worse and makes me feel even more broken than I already feel. I wanted to wake up early today and go to my GP so she can give me another sick leave for 2 weeks. I was too exhausted and didn't wake up on time and decided to postpone my visit to monday. Maybe I felt like a failure again, but I totally let depression win today. It always happens when I'm not able to start the day.
So I spent the whole day in bed, I didn't even eat or brushed my teeth. At least I have my waterbottle by my bed so I had some hydration. I'm taking the meds that were prescribed to me in the psych ward but I'm not sure if they have any effect.
I know tomorrow is a fresh start and I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but all I can think about is that I want to go back to school in two weeks and I can't keep skipping classes. There is only half an year left until I graduate. Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myslef wanting to heal the symptoms by myself with all these self- help books. Everytime I'm faced with the symptoms of my illness I just get very depressed. I just want to live a normal live and be like evryone else (Maybe it's my inner child that longs for this so bad, I felt abnormal my whole life). I still can't accept myself the way I am. At the same time I know that it's a whole proccess that takes months if not years.
I'm very overwhelmed by the idea of going back to school and having to retake all the exams I missed and doing extra credit because I skipped so many classes. Also I won't be in the same class anymore because I have to extend for half an year. Logically I know I can do it. But it just seems so much. Managing my symptoms, therapy work and school, all by myself. Other than that there is still this deep feeling of lonliness, when I talk with friends I just drift to the same topic (Cptsd) and feel like I'm a burden to them. I don't even know how to make new friends anymore... I'm alone and I need to deal with it, at the same time it's eating me away...

[AphoticAtramentous]

Ruminating on my diagnosis by running questions regarding symptoms of cPTSD through google and reading up on answers on reddit. I know it's an maladaptive behaviour, but at times when I feel disconnected from everyone I just want to feel a sense of belonging. Like I'm not completly alone with this. Ironically the rumination just makes things worse and makes me feel even more broken than I already feel.

It can be helpful to review these things but do allow yourself to take breaks and not overwhelm yourself with too much information all at once. I often take breaks between "dealing" with my CPTSD stuff, breaking between reading, breaking between forum posting... otherwise if we focus on it to much, we can indeed make things harder. Pace yourself, allow yourself some moments to breathe and process. Because alas, we can't figure out everything all at once.

Other than that there is still this deep feeling of lonliness, when I talk with friends I just drift to the same topic (Cptsd) and feel like I'm a burden to them.

I feel you there. I swear half of my conversations with my partner is about my own mental health. I fear I tire him greatly, but it's hard to think of anything else to talk about when CPTSD is such an impactful disorder. 

Regards,
Aphotic.

[heatherstorm]

Ruminating on my diagnosis by running questions regarding symptoms of cPTSD through google and reading up on answers on reddit. I know it's an maladaptive behaviour, but at times when I feel disconnected from everyone I just want to feel a sense of belonging. Like I'm not completly alone with this. Ironically the rumination just makes things worse and makes me feel even more broken than I already feel.

It can be helpful to review these things but do allow yourself to take breaks and not overwhelm yourself with too much information all at once. I often take breaks between "dealing" with my CPTSD stuff, breaking between reading, breaking between forum posting... otherwise if we focus on it to much, we can indeed make things harder. Pace yourself, allow yourself some moments to breathe and process. Because alas, we can't figure out everything all at once.

Other than that there is still this deep feeling of lonliness, when I talk with friends I just drift to the same topic (Cptsd) and feel like I'm a burden to them.

I feel you there. I swear half of my conversations with my partner is about my own mental health. I fear I tire him greatly, but it's hard to think of anything else to talk about when CPTSD is such an impactful disorder. 

Regards,
Aphotic.

Hey Aphotic,
you're absolutley right. Sometimes it's important to take breaks. I still want to learn how to be more patient with myself. I mean realistically how fast can you heal something that has been there for more than half of your lifetime? It's kind of sad that we can't heal in the timeframe we wish to but it is what it is...
I think the CPTSD topic just comes up very frequently for me at times where I'm in a very deep pit. Other than that I still try to talk about something else and lately it kinda did work!

Regards,
Heatherstorm

[heatherstorm]

November 30th

So it's been quite a while since I made my last post. Things have been getting better. I'm feeling more and more comfortable in the shared house I'm living in. I've only been living with my flatmates for 6 months. In these 6 months I haven't been spending much time at home due to hospitalization and holidays. I had a rough start with my roommates where I got triggered pretty badly. It left me very isolated and uncomfortable and I couldn't really establish a feeling of home in my new living situation. However ever since my hospilization my flatmates became much warmer and we managed to look past our rough start.

On monday my roommate got worried about me, so she checked up on me and invited me to watch a movie in the evening and also asked if I have eaten yet. I guess this gave me a sense of belonging, made me feel seen and included. Her concerns gave me enough motivation to keep trying and not hide away in my room all day. I managed to eat and drink enough this week and had a day where I was star gazing. On that evening I felt so grateful that I'm still alive to see the beautiful night sky.
This weeks highlight was that I did sports twice and that it was so much fun! I went swimming and did Brazilian Jiu- Jutsu.
It's been a while since I went to a BJJ session and I was kinda scared to try out a new gym where I didn't know anyone, but it was so worth it in the end. We were a small group and everyone was so patient and friendly it was quite nice to have some human interaction. I guess I was so overexcited that I forgot my gym clothes there after I changed my clothes. lol (Actually I'm very forgetful lately)
What also lifted my mood was to meet up with a fellow patient to have cofee and play chess.

Since I wanted to learn to feel more comfortable by myself I planned on spending a day with myself, by going to a museum and a cafe. Hopefully I won't feel too lonely and uncomfortable.

Despite all the positives I also have had days where I felt particularly sad, disconnected and lonely. I'm still find myself in a sense of derealization and with every passing day of my sick leave I'm remineded of the anexiety inducing reminder that I have to go back to school soon.

The week is almost over and even though there were some minor setbacks and negative feelings I still had many wins. I figured out what helps me to reach a more balanced and stable mood. (A sense of community, doing sports, meeting my basic needs and self care---> treated myself with pre-christmas gifts and built a lego set). It's funny to me that I'm only slowly figuring it out by now, because it's something totally natrual to many people. (Guess that's where the CPTSD comes into play). 

[heatherstorm]

December 12th

I really thought I'd be consistent with keeping up with my recovering journal here, but as it obvious seems I'm not really good at writing every day which is totally fine.

So what's been happening lately? I've been trying to keep up my routine with eating, sports and keeping up a structure every day. And I'm getting the hang of it. There are still some days where I have had setbacks, meaning I would end up in bed all day only eating one meal the entire day. I started doing the workbook "Mindful Self- Compassion" by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer and it helped me immensly with my feelings of toxic shame. I definetly can recommend the book! It's a blessing I stumbled upon it. Being self- compassionate, validating your own feelings, holding yourself with warmth, self- love and showing up for yourself when no one will or can is very crucial to realize that you have it in you to regulate yourself.

What's been helping me a lot lately is doing sports. I would've never thought that I'd have so much fun doing it that I would going to gym classes three times a week. I guess its just important to find something that you really enjoy and also where the people are kind and welcoming. For me it's yoga, pilates and BJJ classes also swimming. Sweating, learning a new skill, feeling my body and seeing progress are all things that help me get out of freeze mode and are highly rewarding. Before my breakdown I gave up on BJJ because I didn't find a class where I felt comfortable enough, but luckily I found a place where I'm seen and the trainers are patient and very welcoming.
I see so much personal progress lately and I'm very proud of myself that I keep up the work.
Last week I saw my therapist again and soon we'll be starting EMDR. She told me that we haven't started yet because she felt I wasn't stable enough. Starting EMDR we are not going to adress the deep traumas yet, instead we are doing EMDR for events that impacted my fear of failure and exams, due to it being more relevant for me now. I've been going  back to school  today and everything is very reaxed as we are heading towards the christmas and new years holidays next week. The ultimate test for the routines I learned will be the times when school will get very stressy.

What's been very unsetteling for me was when my GP informed me about my increased liver values, she suspects that they are caused by my antidepressants that I got prescibed during my impatient stay. So I need to wean them off slowly now and they will be replaced by other antidepressant. I'm afraid that this will cause another breakdown of mine and that the new abtidepressants won't keep me as stable as the ones I'm taking now. I'm also worried that I have to go through many meds in an trial and error style to find out which one actually works for me. Right now, I'm trying to be hopeful and not stress too much about it, but it's still something that's occupying my mind.

Altough I'm trying to really learn how to spend time with myself and been seeing a lot of progress, I still can't shake the feelings of lonliness from time to time. It's especially hard considering we are heading towards christmas the season of love and family. I often catch myself looking up new messages on my phone to an unhealthy degree. Upon checking up I realize that there are hardly any messages. I do understand that some of my friends are in a very busy state of life right now, because they are heading towards graduation, but it still hurts when my messages are left on read for weeks and weeks. There is barley anyone that reaches out to me to hang out and it sucks. It sucks that it's impacting my emotional state so much. At those times I feel unapreciated and forgotten. I try to shift my focus to something else and try to accept it but it's very hard. I think to myself that it must be so much easier for people that grew up in a healthy home enviroment to accept lonliness, because they actually experienced friendships as children and had a stable and loving family growing up. But maybe I'm just biased. Maybe what I need is a sense of community, at the same time I'm afraid of being vulnerbale and dependent on others, because I know that people come and go in your life. I don't belive in a chosen family anymore, because friends can never be equal to family in my experience. Life gets in the way people change, everyone is busy with their own lives and friendships just slowly faint. This is the way of life and people.
Luckily my feelings towards lonliness shifted a bit since I found out new ways to spent my time alone with myself. I still wonder what it takes for me to feel completly comfortable with this feeling of disconnection and lonliness. One of my biggest ressources is that I'm outgoing and curious towards people and I find it easy to strike up conversation. I also had some downfalls where I realized that I was rushing a friendship by sharing too much too soon, because I was so desperate for a deep emotional connection. I got attached way to quick, only for the people to leave in the end. These were important lessons for me to realize to take it slow. Friendships really have to develop over time. And maybe I also already have been given up on the idea of finding a chosen family... Every relationship ends the only one that lasts is the one you have with yourself.

I'm interested in how my upcoming weeks will unfold....