Sage's Journal

[AphoticAtramentous]

Found a new therapist. I had my intake session with her last week, and the next one is tomorrow. Seems like we might click well, we'll see. she does say she gives homework. Oh boy, lol. Funny enough, she has almost the same name as my previous one. Maybe that's a sign? I'm hopeful.

That's really good to hear, hoping future sessions go well!

Last night was extremely windy, so I was on edge again and didn't sleep well.

I feel the same nervousness when it's windy! I really don't fancy the sounds of my house creaking and bending whilst trying to sleep.

It's not a lot and I don't feel more "feminine" with jewelry, I just like the look sometimes.

A wonderful reason! Awesome to hear that you managed to clear out some clutter.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[CactusFlower]

Ugh. Not good.
So, had the second session with the therapist, who did a more in-depth assessment about dissociation. Long story short, she doesn't have the training to deal with a ton of dissociation and does want me to find someone I feel safe with, and will email me a list of people she can refer to, but it's not a good fit after all. She apologized, but simply felt she couldn't adequately help my needs. I get that intellectually, my mind says it makes sense and I do really appreciate her honesty and care.

But there's that visceral lizard brain reaction I'm now fighting. the whole "See? this is what you get for being honest and having needs, nobody wants you, nobody will help you," etc etc. I am really fighting the despondency and guilt/shame while simultaneously knowing that I'll just find someone else and it'll be okay. I hate that disconnect. There's also the whole "Great, now I have to start over and do all this crap again". Not to mention the inner voices on their mean "I told you so!" rant.

I'll be chatting to the BFF about this. I just need to hear someone say "No, you're not too crazy and you deserve help."

EDIT: I WD-40'd some squeaking cabinet hinges and tightened some drawer knobs. If I can't fix myself, at least I can fix some minor annoyances.

[rainydiary]

Sage, I'm sorry to hear that you will continue to seek a person to support the dissociation.  I hope that the list provided will offer a person that is a match.

[AphoticAtramentous]

But there's that visceral lizard brain reaction I'm now fighting. the whole "See? this is what you get for being honest and having needs, nobody wants you, nobody will help you," etc etc. I am really fighting the despondency and guilt/shame while simultaneously knowing that I'll just find someone else and it'll be okay. I hate that disconnect. There's also the whole "Great, now I have to start over and do all this crap again". Not to mention the inner voices on their mean "I told you so!" rant.

I'll be chatting to the BFF about this. I just need to hear someone say "No, you're not too crazy and you deserve help."

Sorry to hear that Cactus Flower. No, you're not too crazy and you deserve help! These things can be a bit of a roller-coaster sometimes unfortunately. Maybe allow yourself a break and time to process things before making your next step, I find it can sometimes help to lessen any catastrophising.

There's still many things to try, it's not over, you will find the help you need. 

Regards,
Aphotic.

[NarcKiddo]

Ugh. I hate the lizard brain reaction, and the disconnect. I had a very bad lizard brain reaction when my T suggested a minor change that did not even involve her referring me elsewhere. I did not tell her (and still haven't) but I nearly sacked her over that. Which would have been a huge mistake on my part.

No, you're not crazy, and yes, of course you deserve help. I hope you find a suitable new T.

 

[CactusFlower]

Well, one of the people I inquired with replied and is willing to set up an initial consult, so that's good. She'll email me some meeting time options after the weekend. Fingers crossed.

Another positive note, after a slight issue with the post office, I got a top in the style I want to wear and I love it! look up Lily Tomlin in "grace and frankie". That comfy, layered, artsy look is what I've always wanted to dress as and I found a place on etsy that sells that type in my size. I'm very happy with it. I can start to dress how I feel, and that helps.

So, not a bad end to the week, no jinx. We have to take out little wins where we can get them, ya know?

[AphoticAtramentous]

Well, one of the people I inquired with replied and is willing to set up an initial consult, so that's good. She'll email me some meeting time options after the weekend. Fingers crossed.

Wonderful to hear. Fingers crossed indeed.

I can start to dress how I feel, and that helps.

It's amazing how much of an effect that clothing has on our mental state. Happy to hear you're taking steps to be more comfortable!

Regards,
Aphotic.

[CactusFlower]

initial consult went well, we'll start on the 1st. I'm hoping it'll work out.

I haven't posted about the pocket in a while. Tomorrow will be the outer binding and sewing it onto the twill tape, then it'll be done. I'm quite pleased with it.

https://imgur.com/gallery/pocket-progress-SUVTBTd  pics of it so far. it's taken quite a while due to aching hands, but it's worth it. I have the next one sketched up already, LOL.

[NarcKiddo]

That pocket looks beautiful. Well done. I have always somewhat envied those who have sewing skills. Mine are an abomination. We had lessons at school and I think the teacher despaired of me.

I hope it works out well with the new therapist.

[sanmagic7]

CF, your pocket is really coming along.  i actually started some cross stitch, but just can't find the energy to work on it regularly.  i'm so glad you have, tho.  it's beautiful.

as a therapist, may i say something about the 'crazy' thing?  no, you're not crazy, and you do deserve help.  also, as difficult as it was to hear from that T that she wasn't able to help you the way you needed to be helped, i give her a lot of credit for recognizing that her skill set was not what you needed.  and i emphasize 'her skill set'.  if she would have faked it, you could have been re-traumatized.  there are plenty of stories on this forum about that.

i belong to an online EMDR forum, and have been amazed by how many (there are 1,000's of T's there) are truly not CPTSD trauma-informed.  they have 'bread and butter' trauma training, but the trauma that comes from long-term relationships and things like dissociation (or in my case, alexithymia as well) they are simply not trained for.

what we experience as victims of long-term relational trauma is in another category, one that still isn't recognized by the DSM - the therapy 'bible'.  dissociation is very serious, but it doesn't mean you're crazy - it just means you need help from someone who specializes in it, knows what they're doing regarding it.  best to you w/ this new T, even tho i know it's a pain in the patoot to have to look for someone new, get to know them, tell your story, etc.  ugh!  i do hope this one is a good fit for you.  you absolutely deserve the best care out there.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Narc, San. I'm hoping it works out well too.

I definitely will have some more to work on when we start. I'm battling a lot of shame and anger this morning. I know intellectually it's an overreaction, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Here's what I just put somewhere else, minus the cussing I actually included, ha ha.

"well, I'm angry as heck. The "easy quilted jacket" was a failure. I took my measurements like it said to, cut and sewed like it said to, nowhere near as easy as they said it was, and it doesn't fit. Like, severely. The front pieces barely come halfway over my breasts despite my adding inches to the supposed measurement, the sleeves are nearly 5 inches too long somehow, the back piece was 2 inches longer than the front pieces, etc, and yes, I accounted for seam allowances everywhere. I suppose I'm just grateful I didn't pay for that quilt, and now I feel awful that I ruined it, even though it had a huge hole in it. I'd have been better off patching the hole and keeping it as a blanket, but now it's all trash. I also feel terrible because after all my years of sewing experience, there is no reason it should have come out that badly, so I feel like I'm incompetent now or something. It was five freaking rectangles and straight seams, how could I mess that up?"

Now that I'm cooling off, I still feel the shame and guilt somewhat, but the anger is a little less. I do see that I have enough of various sizes to make a tote bag or something later. I also am annoyed I wasted an hour and a half in an uncomfortable chair, I'm exhausted, my hands are aching and I have nothing to show for it. That Inner Critic is going to town at the moment.

[CactusFlower]

I am on the verge of either screaming, crying, or both. So I moved on to a tank top. A pattern made for plus sizes from a reputable company, only 2 pieces to sew together. I have fabric remnants that are supercute and the front was gonna be from this soft flannel that's pink with unicorns and castles and donuts all over it. (I found it at the fabric store and was gonna let myself have the cute thing.) I just cut it out... and I had the fabric upside down. I do not have enough to do another. I can still make the tank top and intellectually, I know there's nothing wrong with it and I'll laugh about it later. I was just going to wear it around the house later.

But that Inner Critic, wow.... All I can hear right now is how could I make such an obviously stupid mistake, why didn't I check for something so basic that I should have known, that it's going to look utterly stupid, that I wasted fabric, why did I think I could do this, even feeling guilt and shame as if I've severely wasted money even getting a sewing machine again after all this time, and now I'm having trouble bringing myself to start an embroidery project for fear I'll mess that up, too. 2 pattern pieces and I couldn't even get that right. Gods, I hate this voice.

Yeah, I really need to start soon with this new therapist. I'm gonna have a basket of stuff to dump in her lap when we start. Argh.

[Hope67]

Hi Sage,
I am so sorry to hear what happened with your tank top, but I really hope that you can get your Inner Critic to stop, because honestly, I am so in awe of the fact you are able to do stuff with fabrics.  I have got a complete freeze on even attempting to do it.  I wish I could.  I know I could, but my Inner Critic stops me.  I'm glad you are able to do it though.  I bet that tank top will be amazing when you finish it - I really believe that.  It sounds so lovely with the soft flannel and beautiful unicorns and castles and donuts on it.  A lovely cut tank top, and I feel sure you'll enjoy wearing it.

You writing about your experience with the sewing machine - I relate so much to that as well.  I will write more about that in my own journal, hopefully soon, as it's an area that I would like to change.  But I just want to say that I hope you will enjoy using your sewing machine and I also feel that you'll probably enjoy the embroidery project once you start it.  Good luck for you with it, Sage. 

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Hope. I'm just waiting for some bias tape to arrive tomorrow and I'll get back to it. I have taken a step for the embroidery thing and chose the color scheme. I'll be researching a few specific stitches today I want to use, maybe a little practice first.

On a positive note, the custom purse I ordered on Etsy a few weeks ago finally came. I chose the fabric on Spoonflower and she got it and constructed it. It's just wonderful! https://imgur.com/gallery/new-purse-9WimuQL It's so me and the pockets are awesome. She even matched the snap to the color. Bags by April, I can see why she gets such good reviews. That cheered me up. It's not a big thing, but having something I specifically picked that I enjoy makes me smile when I look at it, and that's all that matters. It helps me practice that "To heck with what other people think of me" thing. Not easy, but healthier than people pleasing and overcompensating.

[Hope67]

Wow Sage, I love your new purse - it is gorgeous.  The colours and vibrancy of the fabric, so beautiful.  Really great that you can fit your phone and everything in the pockets as well.  It's cheered me up as well to see that lovely bag.  It is gorgeous.