NatureLuvr's Journal 2024. *** TW. Strong Emotions, Describe Abuse

dollyvee · May 24, 2024, 08:04:27 AM

Quote from: natureluvr on May 23, 2024, 03:29:58 PMAll I know is I felt extremely suffocated, and was just fighting to survive. I finally figured out that fighting her was completely futile, so at age 21 or so I just gave in and starting giving her the gray rock treatment, which I figured out on my own. However, I still had a lot of rage inside towards her, which I just stuffed down inside me.

Yes, I think I figured grey rock out on my own as well, but maybe more of a disassociated grey rock as I think the need to hide emotions at the risk of physical abuse came pretty early. So, I think part of me really struggles to show emotion, or my internal self to others and just sort of "freezes."

Quote from: natureluvr on May 23, 2024, 03:29:58 PMAll that you say resonates with me deeply. It sounds like we were both trained to have no boundaries, and now we are trying to figure out how to establish healthy boundaries as adults. I know I'm often terrified to set boundaries today, because I was punished severely for trying to set them as a child. I often end up feeling like I'm in a catch 22, because I really want and need to set a boundary, but yet I'm terrified to do it. Hopefully, as we set boundaries with healthy people, and they don't punish us for it, it will get easier to do eventually.

I think this is also part of the "freeze" response that comes up that I'm trying to unpack. Recently, I've been feeling more of the emotions around certain times, like the conflict with my m, and I think that's been helpful in trying to grieve some of this stuff and help lessen that response. However, I'm beginning to understand that I think some of the more "circuit-breaker" responses, where I just shut down when there's conflict are likely from a very young age, which are harder to pick up on. I'm hoping that by giving more space to what happens internally, I can begin to understand when I start to disconnect as well as understand why I try to keep myself disconnected (if that makes sense). Boundaries are a tough one as I feel that there's not just power struggles at times, but I will be pointed at as the problem in a larger group. If I say something, even though something is off with someone's behaviour like in your birdwatching group for example, it's going to come back on me. This dynamic is also very familiar and the way in which I was scapregoated in the family growing up. This is just what's going on for me, so please disregard if not needed.

I hope you do find a way to communicate your boundaries as you absolutely matter and deserve them.

Sending you support,
dolly

natureluvr · May 24, 2024, 12:28:57 PM

Quote from: dollyvee on May 24, 2024, 08:04:27 AMI'm beginning to understand that I think some of the more "circuit-breaker" responses, where I just shut down when there's conflict are likely from a very young age, which are harder to pick up on.

I know I also tend to shut down when there is conflict, and go into freeze mode, but not always. There have been a lot of times where I've been able to be strong and set a boundary. I tend to feel bad about myself when I don't set a boundary, but I'm going to try to extend more grace to myself. It just shows how badly we were traumatized that we freeze when someone mistreats us. Hopefully as we progress in recovery, this freeze response will lessen, and it will get easier.

Quote from: dollyvee on May 24, 2024, 08:04:27 AMBoundaries are a tough one as I feel that there's not just power struggles at times, but I will be pointed at as the problem in a larger group. If I say something, even though something is off with someone's behaviour like in your birdwatching group for example, it's going to come back on me. This dynamic is also very familiar and the way in which I was scapregoated in the family growing up. This is just what's going on for me, so please disregard if not needed.

Actually, this is very helpful to me. I realize that the others in the group are enabling this man by allowing him to act like this, and pretending it is OK. It's the proverbial elephant in the room. I realize if I speak up to the rude leader, there is a good chance of being scapegoated and being seen as the trouble maker. I was also the scapegoat in my family of origin. I think this is an unhealthy group with the same dynamics as a narcissistic family, so I'm probably going to stay away, at least for a while. Our local Audubon society has bird walks, so I'm going to go to those instead.

dollyvee · May 25, 2024, 07:57:53 AM

I'm glad you have other options to try for enjoyment. I think that's a big step recognizing as adults that we have, and whatever the dynamics of the group are, a choice where you can remove yourself/try something new, which is something you never were able to do as a child

I don't want to fill up your journal with my experiences, so I'll say that I'm just beginning to look into the scapegoat and how that might show up for me psychologically because I think there's a pattern where somehow things are always our "fault," and I find myself scanning other peoples' reactions when I do stand up for myself, or am deviating from the "norm," and then become fearful (on mostly a subconscious level I think) about "survival."

I hope you find some like-minded people in your new group or the old one if you decide to stay

natureluvr · May 26, 2024, 08:14:25 PM

Quote from: dollyvee on May 25, 2024, 07:57:53 AMI'll say that I'm just beginning to look into the scapegoat and how that might show up for me psychologically because I think there's a pattern where somehow things are always our "fault," and I find myself scanning other peoples' reactions when I do stand up for myself, or am deviating from the "norm," and then become fearful (on mostly a subconscious level I think) about "survival."

I think that is why I get so upset when people get irritable, rude, or crabby with me. I assume it is somehow my fault. (I was scapegoated badly by my FOO.). I assume that them being irritable with me is somehow because I'm inferior, or unlikeable. I take it very personally. It is very hard to shake this feeling. I want to stop doing this, but am not sure how. I'm open to ideas.

natureluvr · May 26, 2024, 08:56:40 PM

I have a victory to share! Standing up for myself has been extremely difficult for many years, because I was abused as a child for ever setting boundaries.

I managed to stand up to my 21 year old son yesterday. I did it in a way that was firm, I did not back down, and best of all, I did it calmly! In the past, when I'd try to stand up, I would get hysterical and triggered, and lose control. I don't beat myself up for this, because I was so traumatized, I couldn't stand up effectively. I had to have a certain amount of healing from trauma before my nervous system could calm down to a certain degree. I feel very good about myself for having done this! I was respectful of him, but yet firmly stood my ground. Yay me!!!

Papa Coco · May 27, 2024, 10:11:16 AM

That is great news!

I can only imagine how solid and strong you must feel. Like some previously stuck energy has been let loose and is flowing now.

YOU did this. You gave yourself this gift of feeling so good about standing up for yourself. I'm happy for you.

What a great post for me to open up first thing this morning.

Congratulations!

dollyvee · May 27, 2024, 10:39:38 AM

Hi natureluvr,

That's great news that you were able to have some more space for yourself about setting a boundary with your son and not lose control

I also think it's great that you acknowledge you were able to be respectful of him and of yourself and what you needed. How great for you and your relationship with him

Sending you support,
dolly

NarcKiddo · May 27, 2024, 11:00:49 AM

That is really wonderful. It is so great to hear that you managed to set a boundary calmly and respectfully. I am also really happy that you have reported it here. And please do dwell on it and continue to be proud of yourself. Because it is these experiences that help build new neural pathways. It is one thing to know in theory that it is possible to set a boundary. It is quite another to actually experience it and to realise that the sky did not fall in. That you in fact DO have the strength and ability. This will stand you in good stead the next time you need to set any sort of boundary. And gradually it will become easier, and you will eventually realise (emotionally as well as logically) that setting a boundary politely is a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do.

natureluvr · June 04, 2024, 11:43:08 AM

Thanks Papa Coco, Dollyvee, and NarcKiddo for your support! I truly appreciate it.

natureluvr · June 05, 2024, 09:55:39 PM

My family was a narc cult. My mom was a high level narc, and my youngest sister was the golden child, while I was the scapegoat. This sister is now also a narc. For the past 4 years, they both lived together in the same town I was in. Narc sis was living with mom and caring for her, but my mom was supporting her so she didn't have to work. I've been NC (no contact) with them for 3 years.

I'm very relieved and happy that the 2 of them have just moved to a distant part of the country. Now, I'm less concerned that they will show up on my doorstep one day, or that I will run into them out in public. Not only that, but one of my other siblings lost about 30 years of sobriety when this narc sis came back to town to fix up narc mom's house and sell it. Thankfully, she got sober again 4 months ago, and I think this will help her, too. She has told me several times how much this narc sis drives her crazy.

I suspect narc mom doesn't have much longer for this world - she is very old, and in bad shape physically and mentally. To be honest, I'll be relieved when she is gone. I don't feel the least bit guilty saying that.