Recovery journal Marianne

[Marianne]

Thank you hope.

[Marianne]

I started a healthy paleo style diet. Especially skipping dairy and gluten is so important to my mental health. I just feel severely depressed every time I eat dairy, and I did that a lot lately.

Im also religiously taking my iron pills. Iron was very low. I think it causes mental struggles too.

Today son is sick, so the fun outing we planned isn't working. I'll make him hot tea and being sick food.

[Marianne]

Torn.

My dad did so much damage to me and my son. And yet I crave his love. And feel guilty and obliged to love him.

[Little2Nothing]

Marianne, that is interesting. I started keto 4 years ago and was able ro het off all my meds. 

I started it because I'm a type1 diabetic. However, cutting out sugar and a ton of carbs had a surprising side affect of helping my mental health. 

I'm glad you found something that simple as a diet change to help you. 

[Marianne]

That is interesting!

Thanks for the encouragement. I was thinking to first start paleo, then transition to Keto again. It helps. But I lack discipline. Hearing it helped you helps me stick to it.

How long when you noticed effects?

[Little2Nothing]

It took several weeks to notice a difference which was unexpected. 

I was able to stick with it because I am able to acheive non-diaabetic A1c's consistently. The mental health benefit was a bonus. 

This is an interesting book on the subject.  https://www.chrispalmermd.com/

[dollyvee]

Hi Marianne,

I'm sorry you feel that way about your dad. It's a tough position to be in and I can relate. For me, the only thing that stopped me craving/needing my mom was when she died. I knew I was never going to get that "thing" that I wanted. It took a few years and I came to the conclusion that the time she had on earth was to do the things she needed to do. I don't mean it in an excusatory way, though it might sound like that, but I think framing it in that way had helped me release some of the burden that I did something wrong, or there was something inherently wrong with me.

I also wanted to say that I relate to what you wrote about gluten. I took it out of my diet about 12 years ago and found that if I accidentally eat it, it can change my personality (ie much quicker to anger, anxiety etc). What I found out is that some people have a genetic predisposition to anxiety and depression via TNF-alpha SNPs. So, when there is inflammation present, as I understand, it can trigger these reactions. This is also interesting where some people have non-celiac wheat sensitivity, leading to higher levels of TNF-alpha. I tend to think that the body nd mind are connected and sometimes what's going on in the bodyy does have an effecr on how we'ree feeling, and how past trauma comes up (or doesn't) att times. https://journals.physiology.org/doi/full/10.1152/ajpgi.00104.2020

Sending you support 
dolly

[Marianne]

Today I had a lot of guilt and shame. But despite that I did some good things.

I called my dad, which I shouldn't have. But I kept my calm. He will always deny his problems. I need to accept that he will never change.

For myself:

- I prayed a lot.
- I sang hopeful songs.
- I ate sort of well.
- I visited the sauna.
- I did volunteering.
- I socialised.
- I booked a weekend away for Easter with my son.
- I cleaned a bit.
- I invited a friend to church for tonight.

[Marianne]

Dolly thank you so much for your considerate reply. It is much appreciated.

I'm sorry you can relate. But thank you for sharing that.

[Marianne]

I was so scared and sad end of yesterday. I shared my childhood story with a colleague. Then felt superbad for speaking negatively of my family. 

Also, I had my period today.

[Marianne]

Three things that keep my mind busy at the moment.

1. I was an idiot. I flashbacked. Felt guilty. And deleted the evidence that my dad hit me and lied to me and asked my son to lie. I felt my faith didn't allow me to keep track of others mistakes. But now I can't prove it. And we will never get help.

I had supergood evidence and now I feel like the most dumb idiot in the world. Who is going to believe a formerly psychotic lady saying "yeah well this guy that is superkind to you, is secretly very unkind to me, and I had evidence of everything, but now I deleted it, really".

2. I had a chat with my therapist. She's not christian and that bothers me a bit, because she doesn't understand the religious side of things. But she's good with trauma stuff.

I self-sabotage: I have fight and fawn responses to my dad. Which makes me alternate between texting him the things he did wrong. And texting him I'm horrible and depressed. Which he shows to others as proof that I'm unstable. Without telling them what he did to elicit these flashbacks. If I tell them, he lies.

I thought God told me to be still, so that he would fight. Then I wasn't still. And now I hate myself. I fear God is angry. I sabotage everything. I can't even shut the * up and do nothing when I'm in a flashback. Even if my kid's wellbeing depends on it.

3. So I talked with the therapist. And we decided I make a flashback box. It's cool. It makes me feel I can do something, but something posivite. I actually made it into two flashback boxes. A "fight-box"_when I have an angry flashback. And "fawn-box" when I have a shameful flashback. I bought them already. I put things in it to soothe myself. She says in flashbacks you can't think. So you need simple and sensory cues.

As an example: I'm filling up my fawn box now. It has cards with religious quotes that I'm worthy and God loves me. It has calming essential oils. It has a cuddly animal toy. It has calming tea. A book with uplifting texts. It will have a cd with gospel music. Etc.

Tomorrow I'll fill up the fight box. It will have a bag of rice to punch. Cards that tell me to shut up and leave it to God. And some other stuff.

I have a chat with cps in a few weeks. I'm terrified. They bought my dad's manipulation hook line and sinker or whatever English people call that. So I'm on the defense. And I had proof, and now I haven't.

Advice is welcome. 

[Armee]

 

Hugs to you Marianne. You're in a really tough situation. My only advice is just to be kinder to yourself. Like maybe talk to yourself the way you would to a child? It's OK that you deleted things. You had your reason when you did. That's trauma and also your admirable value system of not wanting to tally and prove others' wrongs. The part of you that deleted that stuff had reasons and it has to do with protecting yourself. It might not make sense to the adult Marianne but you had a reason for doing it. 

[Marianne]

I saw a beautiful church service. It was about healing. It gave hope.

I spoke kindly to dad. He spoke kindly back. He is hurt, but not bad.

I think I did well to delete it. I don't think fighting my dad is the way that helps my child.

[Marianne]

I want to be empathic to my dad. I'm an extremely open person who blurts out things. Cps demands I cooperate with him. My faith tells me to serve people.

Also, though, he made me ill, alienated my child and family from me, he is a manipulator, and he would easily stab me in the back if it suits him.

[Marianne]

I spoke about my family with church people.

1. I made a more full choice to forgive and no longer fight back. I really feel forgiveness now. I see my parents tried, but were clueless. And I wasn't better.

2. I do think about no contact. To recover. And repair my mind. Im asking around for an intermediate. When he is honest, or I am stronger, I will come back.

3. Im doubting...my dad has major resistance against acknowledging his trauma, his share in the problems, and his faults. I tried real hard to make him see and work on his share. He refuses. I think it's too painful. I feel guilty for confronting him so harshly. I will let it be. And speak about the positive sides. There's no use saddening an old man who is clueless. Let him the illusion that my childhood was bliss and he's the great rescuer - that was part of the story too.

4. That doesn't mean I will go along in his lies anymore. I notice his lying corrupts me too. The last weeks I panicked. Because he lies, cps sees my stress responses as the problem...and doesn't see his behaviour leading up to them. He also uses my stress reactions against me, and refuses to acknowledge he causes them. E.g. he will threaten, then when I say I am angry, he will tell everyone I was real mean, and I get into trouble.

I noticed the last weeks...normally I am honest. But now I was twisting things, and frightened to be true...because if he lies, and I am true...the complete story goes askew.

How do you deal with a pathological liar in court? Be true and have that abused? Or start to lie too? I decided on the first. I dont want my character corrupted. But I will not talk personal things with dad anymore.