Bermuda's Memories - Overflow Journal 1

[NarcKiddo]

I love listening to Afrikaans. And I know what you mean about the 'r' - the Scots have a very distinctive 'r' too (my husband is one).

I've been trying to find an adorable video I saw, because your post reminded me of it, but it was years ago and I can't. It was a clip of a huge, bearded, rugged South African man going round an animal park in Australia. He saw a wallaby for the first time and fell in love with it. He got really excited and was pointing like a little kid every time the wallaby moved. Only he could not say 'wallaby' and was saying 'wobbly' over and over.

[Bermuda]

Lot's of internal conflict lately, so there are two things I kind of want to write out...

Firstly, I am still struggling with the feeling of being completely overbearing and too much. I see that I am doing well in the sense that I am contributing to the group, and I am confident that I can finish a task, at this this task, and it feels good, but because it feels good, it also feels bad. I am afraid I am scarying people away, that I am being too dominant and that my contributions are negatively affecting the contributions of others. Like I am trampling on everyone elses garden. It's such a difficult feeling because I just don't know. I've never worked in a healthy team dynamic before and I'm not sure what that looks like. I feel good about how things are, but that IS what makes me feel like things aren't good... If that doesn't make sense, I know. I definitely know. I am trying to ignore my thoughts and just do everything I am able to because it's important to me, but it's hard, and I might be wrong.

The second thing also social, I have been having a repeating conversation in my head that isn't real, hasn't occurred, but keeps cycling over and over again. The premise in my mind is that my child's psychiatrist, who is doing in an in-school evaluation (really happening this week) speaks to his teachers and they say something about how I don't really communicate with them or other parents, and that I seem odd. In my fake dialogue that I keep having I am explaining to her the reason why behave oddly. It's because I have no facial recognition. So if a teacher talks to me, if she doesn't indicate who she is or something else identifying than I won't know and if I speak to her she will know that I don't know. She will think it's that I don't pay attention or care. There are other parents who are very outgoing and I can feel them trying to make social contact with me, but I have absolutely no idea what to do, or how to engage. There is this one parent in the group from California (identifying characteristic) and she constantly looks at me smiling, and stares oddly long, and says Good Morning, and engages with my kids, and basically everyone. She has walked around the playground and struck up conversations with everyone, but just smiles at me waiting for me to speak, and I just have no idea, and my discomfort must be visible. I smile to try to seem friendly. I think my odd behaviour is obvious, but I also don't know how to fix it, and I am afraid someone will notice and call me out... again, it happened once before like ten years ago. I couldn't explain it then. So, I can't go up to a parent and say, oh is your kid new to the group? Because they probably aren't, and maybe they have said hello every day, and it's probably just me.

I won't type out the imagined conversation, but I do think I have perfected it at this point. Explaining it to professional in a way that I could not explain it in a social setting... But the dialogue is constantly running. Someone will notice me, and they will know.

[NarcKiddo]

I think it is great that you are trying to ignore your thoughts and do everything you are able to (as long as this is not detrimental to you, of course, and I sincerely hope it is not). Because what you are doing is good, and helpful. And it is also, I think, very lucky that we have a team member who is able to plough forwards with the work even in the face of personal set backs, problems etc, which you have certainly had more than your fair share of recently.

The nature of CPTSD is that we all have our struggles and often have to take a temporary step back or even a temporary step away. We've always understood this as a group and accepted that progress will take as long as it does. Having you as part of the group has enabled progress to continue faster than it otherwise might have done. So thank you.

[Papa Coco]

Burmuda,

I started writing in my journal today. I deleted it before posting. Then I read YOUR post and saw that you and I are feeling the same thing (again). My post was all about how I feel like I annoy people. I write too much. I say too much. I try too hard. You said it better with your explanation, but dang...I'm feeling exactly the same. I think I'll go back to my journal and rewrite what I've deleted. If you're feeling it, and I'm feeling it, perhaps others are too.

I know that you know that it's our irrational trauma-brains talking. Because I believe that you are feeling how you are feeling. I'm feeling the same way. But I want to make sure you know that I don't see you as overbearing or unfriendly, not even in the least. I like your posts. I like interacting with you. I think you're of higher intelligence than most people I know in my personal community here in Seattle. I hope that you can at least intellectualize the fact that this is our trauma demons whispering mean things in our ears. Making us feel bad about ourselves, because that's what our FOOs did. I call it being comfortably uncomfortable with the demons that I know.

[Armee]

Had all the exact same thoughts for my child's school psych evaluation too. They will see its me. My fault. I'm clearly crazy. Maybe CPS should be called. Also don't recognize people unless they identify and don't talk to parents for the same reason. Prosopagnosia. Live in a town of people with blond hair, generally all look and dress alike. I'm only friends with people who look markedly different from the norm because I can pick them out and say hi in a crowd.

And you're not annoying or any of the things trauma brain is telling you. At least not with us because we are the same mostly. 

I should add the school evaluation meeting was lovely. The team was kind and nobody made me feel like I was a weirdo. I hope yours goes well too.

[Bermuda]

Thanks Armee, I looked into it and I found this document: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5831923/ It's kind of interesting. There are also some studies involving children that can be found on researchgate. I did a bit of a dive into conversion disorder and saw a lot of ties to disocciative disorder and somatic symptom disorder, and also read about how prosopagnosia runs in families. Their conclusion was that it was genetic which I would have to see evidence on to believe and I haven't come across any at all. As I read I couldn't help but see how there is a huge disconnect between approaches to investigating these symptoms too, and of course the conclusions will be different based on the investigative processes and guidelines. If prosopagnosia is more common in children who grew up in institutions, than is it really only genetic or aquired through physical brain injury? Someone needs to fund my research study. I would look at if from all sides rather than severing human condition at the spinal cord and coming to two different conclusions based on different presenting features.

I just also ran across another article linking it to insecure attachment, and another one to developmental disorders. Have you looked into it? As someone with known DID do you think it is tied to other things, or rather a freestanding phenomenon? The disorders all mentioned have other symptoms that I know we both have, and I won't list them, but you know, those things. I can't help but wonder if all the things are actually the same thing to varying degrees.

Sorry if I sound like I'm grilling you. I have always been so focused on me, acting normal, fixing it, that I never turned around to focus on IT.

Also, I saw the evaluation actually starts now, so I may be distracting myself to cope. His psychiatrist is really kind and certainly sees eye to eye with me and even pushed back against the school policy to make it possible to be there today. So, my fears are unfounded. I know that. I also know that I can tell her that I have my own differences. She asked me about my brother who has autism recently. She tried to get me to elaborate on his education and needs. All I could say is that his experience was very different, and the circumstances were different which exasterated some of his difficulties. I could tell she was trying to get more information out of me, but I don't talk about my family in front of my kids. She asked then, well what about now? As an adult does he need assistance to function independently in society? I replied with a brief, "I would say yes, since he is in prison." No gentle way to answer those questions, but I hope that with the very few words I spoke that my point came across, and I think it did. Yeah, so I don't think she would find my public social skills unusual given the very very brief statements I have made.

Also, NK, it is good for me most of the time. Right now I am emotionally spinning in circles and tasks help. I will be reading or writing no matter what, and it's far healthier to use the hamster that controls me to construct something rather than to deconstruct. I'm talking to you Señor Chuy Velloso!

[Armee]

Gosh I haven't looked at any of that stuff. Proposagnosia is fairly common for people with aphantasia so I assumed that was the link. I have wondered if the aphantasia is trauma based in my case...refusal to see things in my mind seems pretty helpful. Tough to tease out where one thing ends and the other begins. But i think that proposagnosia (and aphantasia) are common in autism too.

OK I have to run or I'd say more. Hope things go well today with the school. 

[Armee]

 

[Bermuda]

It seems like lately all my thoughts are kind of repeats of things other people are saying. Like PapaCoco talking about a feeling that I had related to too, and then my mind recalling that feeling I had had that day and fixating on it... Today is no different. You know, a few people have been talking about intimacy lately, and I really want to talk about it but I'm just not there yet. I don't have the vocabulary. I wouldn't even know how to approach it. I don't know what is nature and what is problem. I also feel like it's not my place to complain because my situation was not that bad. The topic of SA within families came up, and I had never thought of it. It's probably not terribly uncommon, but probably not normal to grow up with multiple known... offenders... It makes me wonder how that nurtured the next generation of offenders, victims, and lost causes. I'll never know if it is abnormal. I also don't want to dwell or pick at the thought. I wish I could just a little. I have been thinking of starting a private journal where I could dabble in just brief mentions of things, but in a way I am scared of the personal repercussions. I also feel like my feelings are just copies of other people's feelings and maybe I just have nothing to add to these topics. I don't know. Other people seem to be looking for a way to become more intimate, and I'm not. I don't know if I should be. I don't know if I am missing something, if I am broken, or maybe it's fine to just be disconnected. I've been thinking of this since I was was at the doctor some weeks ago, and when she asked about intimacy, and I told her... years... She looked at me concerned and said, "You know we offer help for that too." And I was a bit confused and I shrugged. Since then the thought, "They have help... for what? Do I need help? ..."

[Armee]

 

I don't want to trigger in any way. Just...for me...well first I think you have tons to add to any conversation you want to be part of and I know the pieces of the stories you shared and they are that bad. Really. But just in terms of wanting to fix it...I would be happy alone never engaging in it. But just me personally and this is very much a trauma response specific to my own circumstances not a judgment in any way shape or form...it's really really important to me to have a happy healthy family and my husband kind of saved me in a lot of ways and the worst part of this week was feeling like I could never make him happy like I tricked him and he deserved and deserves so much better than me. This is all trauma yes for sure. But it drives my behavior and needing to find a way to fix it so he is not sad and unhappy. That's a trauma thing I need to fix things and make sure everyone is happy or someone will die. So I wouldn't say there's anything wrong with you for not wanting to fix it. I just know that I need to, and not for my own enjoyment.

[Bermuda]

Don't worry, it's not you, or anyone or anything. It's like little seeds, or landminds, and you know. After so much time, or movement, the earth errupts. Something like that.

Ugh, I am in a pit. I've alienating everyone. I haven't contacted anyone still. I have new memories, and I guess a new connection. I realise a cause and effect scenario with my identity issues, which are huge right now. I can't write or read because I am having migraines. I feel a lot of shame for being so careless. I haven't been respectful of other people. I've just been digging my hole. I know that I am the problem. I don't even want to be a part of this. I want help. I just don't want to see anyone.

I am distracting myself my making sketches of costume ideas. There are no events, so it would be for something in maybe six months, but it makes me feel better... The idea of being someone else, and even in that I feel like I have to make style choices, and I don't know how to represent me, and it's a circle. Be someone else, who am I, be someone else, make a choice. ...

Choices.

[Armee]

I'm in the pit too. I'll wave to you, from mine

[Bermuda]

  

[Armee]

Exactly.

[Bermuda]

Still a migraine, but a memory to share.

This morning I was using cocoa butter and combing through my kids' hair before school. I was doing this because we got a notification last night that a child in their school has head lice. So I was telling my four year old about these bugs and their eggs, and why we will be combing through his hair carefully every morning before school. He had a million questions. He asked me if I ever had bugs living in my hair, and I said, "No, I've never had them but my brother did once." Right when I said that I cringed. I worry one day he will ask me... You have a brother? He didn't.

When I was in my early teens we were sitting at the kitchen table when an aunt came over. My brother was stratching his head, and my mother said something insulting about his intelligence. That's when my aunt said, "He probably has lice!" I was sitting next to my brother when my aunt started picking her long nails through his very short hair. She said, "Look, head lice!" I glanced at her fingernail without moving and sure enough, I saw it. My mother looked and slapped my aunt's hand away calling her a liar and saying that there was nothing there. She screamed at my aunt for insulting her and told her to leave.

I saw it. I saw the bug. I know my brother had head lice. I said nothing. I quietly left the room before things got bad. No one said anything. I had a brother and he had lice.