Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[StartingHealing]

SH

The time you spent married to a BPD must have felt like living in a tornado that just kept circling you in unpredictable random flight paths, occasionally destroying what matters to you, and sometimes just near missing it. I can see how that kind of erratic, unpredictable behavior can bring on so much confusion and, I'll say it, even anger. My elder sister was the BPD in my life. She kept me and my entire FOO in chaos for the 50 years I knew her. It took a long time for me to get her out of my head after I went No Contact with the entire family. It took years to get myself to stop trying to predict and prepare for whatever erratic or violent reactions she would have to anything I might say or do. And I wasn't married to her, so I can only imagine that your BPD's unpredictable attacks were even more difficult to break free from than mine were.

PC good analog. Have you looked over outofthefog.website? Very good source for information on personality disordered people.  None of the "poor them, must be so hard having ________. It helped me with getting my brain around the storm / monster of a cluster B)

I describe my BPD person as a monster, which, for me, is a precisely accurate word to use: A problem can be solved. A giant can be gentle. A beast can be harnessed. But a monster can't be tamed, or predicted, or used for good in any situation. We call our big trucks "beasts" because they're strong and big and with their help we can move mountains. But when we use the word "monster" we are usually describing an unpredictable, dangerous, untamable creature that has the power to do catastrophic harm, and often without justification, warning or reason. So, I call my BPD relative a monster. She had no legitimate reason to tell all the lies that did so much damage to my entire family for decades on top of decades. She only stole and lied and destroyed lives because she wanted to. She was a monster. She was compelled to harm others in order to feed her illness. She was a monster. An unpredictable, untamable monster. Period.

Indeed. Well said sir. Well said.

It's great that you have found a BPD survivor's group. I hope they can help you put some distance between what you've been through and what you want for future relationships. BTW, I LOVE your term: Relationsh-t! I'm going to start using it myself when it fits in conversations.

I got that word, and others from the podcast that I mentioned earlier. If you wish, let me know and I'll send you the site address via DM. Being former military there are "areas" that spoken about in "salt of the earth" type of way. Which some may not appreciate. 

I share your theories about why the world seems to be going crazy. All your theories resonate with me too. The Chemicals, the plastic, the failing air quality and water quality everywhere, and, I can also comment on your thought that an easy survival isn't helping the world. To me, an easy survival allows the mind to make up dramas that weren't there organically. Maslow's hierarchy of needs has been addressed for a lot of people. Many of us are now reaching the Self-actualization phase, having no need to chop wood, or wash clothes in the creek with a rock and a bar of homemade soap. We have pretty easy lives now, and that brings to life that old saying that "Idle hands are the devil's playground." That ancient phrase seems to be playing out in the world today.

If you look at the Zen folks, they have a quote of "Before enlightenment I chopped wood and carried water.  After enlightenment I chopped wood and carried water. Not that I am implying that there isn't issues that need to be addressed. Far from it.  I think that perhaps the meme (mind virus?) that us humans are only mistakes and our lives don't matter has been so damaging to so many areas. Add in the extremists threats that "the world is going to end" by whatever method that is in vogue at the time. I grew up while the cold war was still going on, within the blast radius of a ICBM from the USSR. There were some kids that well, became nihilists. Then there were others that somehow found hope, something to strive for. the results are in their lives.  I don't know the causes behind the increasing amounts of cluster b disordered people. 6% of the general population. Estimates of total % of all disordered people at least in the USA is upwards to 30%! :O  Is it "modernity" that is creating it? I don't have a clue. Maybe it's the holistic where it's media, chemicals, propaganda, lack of spiritual connection, having a purpose, it's all combined I think.  I wonder about the hierarchy of needs. I mean growing up on a family dairy farm, in many ways very survival based. Yet even there I remember being far more content than recently.  I don't have the "keeping up with the Jones's" or fashion or whatever, There was something there that I have yet to find. If anything according to the hierarchy I should be more of a "actualized" human than when I was on the farm. yet, really?  Something I'm currently puzzling over.

In one of my favorite TV Documentaries, Inner Worlds, Outer Worlds, the authors say that ancient religions often teach that our hearts are connected to good, but our thoughts cause all the problems mankind faces. If we just followed our hearts, the way nature does, we would live in harmony with the earth, with each other, and with the animals and plants. But our brains think, and invent, and worry, and blame, and seek revenge, and seek to compete rather than corroborate. Our brains start making goals, and every time we invent something, we create more problems than we solve. Wars aren't fought from the heart; they're fought over people thinking about how much they want other people's land or resources. (I'm currently learning how to feel the desires of my heart, as I've been living in my head for far too long). The common double edged sword. Those unintended consequences are at times.. Holy Sh-t!  If you have a link to info about learning to listen to your heart please share. 

Your last paragraph is awesome! It's nice to see that in barely a year and a half, you are already enjoying calm, and that food tastes better. On the day that I realized my sister was out of my life forever, I felt like I was walking 6 inches above the ground. Food tasted better. The colors of the world were brighter.

Thank you for sharing your story. You've helped me remember how much I have to be grateful for now that my own personal BPD drama-queen is gone.

Wishing you all the best in return.

IN spite of the issues, there are still so much that is beautiful, so much to be thankful for, One practice that I do is verbally say "Thank you for ___________", sometimes it's a laundry list, sometimes it's a "Thank you for today" what's interesting is by doing that, somehow or another, it brings more things to be thankful for. Weird huh?  I do it at least twice daily. AM and PM. If I don't I'm off my square.

Wishing you all the best

[StartingHealing]

What is today's date?  1-17-2024

I wonder what in blazes is going on.  Well, the day job went to 4 10hr days.  it's nice to have a 3 day weekend but like everything there is a price and mine so far has been not enough sleep.  I've committed to walk my doggo every day before work for at least an hour.  By the time I "feel" sleepy and hit the rack, I go to sleep quickly, and then 6 1/2 to 7 hours later I need to roll out to do a cup o coffee, then get ready for the walk, and away we go.

Last couple of weeks, my sweet tooth has fired off something fierce.  I'll have actual food and then the sweets.  It's like those times when there is a food that you want to eat but can't figure out what the h3ll it is?  Been feeling that as well. 

Unfortunately for me, chocolate goes to my waist like instantly.  Seriously.  Sigh.

I've also been noticing that my current need for human interaction has spiked as well.  I'm wise enough to realize that I'm not anywhere close to being at the point where any type of romantic entanglement is a good idea. 

Along with all this, I'm still making payments to the law firm who's lawyer didn't really do diddly for me divorce wise and got a email from the mortgage division of a bank about a appraisal that supposedly didn't get paid.

It will buff out one way or the other.  I wonder if since the mortgage division is a different division than credit cards..thinking about how to pay the appraisal, it's crappy that if I do use credit card then I'll be paying interest.   I'll have to call and find out * is going on. 

IDK seems like I'm back into that "in between" space again.  I know that there are events that will happen in life that are no more than things to handle, even so.. still sucks that there is the possibility of me having to pay for an appraisal on a refi that didn't go through because the former spouse had her brain case firmly implanted into her anal cavity at the time.  That's incorrect, there isn't a time factor.  In one way or another it's always been there.

Part of me is wondering how long it's going to be until all of this male bovine fecal matter is over and done with.  It's like I've moved on and there are still these tendrils that snake out to keep me from fully being free from any. thing. or. person. associated with the former spouse. yeah, there is a bit of impatience there.  Well fer -hit's sake.  About year 5 is when things started going downhill in the relation-hit, so that's 20 years of supporting her a55, dealing with her BPD male bovine fecal matter, abuse from same, and I want FREE.  To be clean and clear.  Moving forward with MY life.  With no physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, ties.  I think I'm worth that.  I mean, haven't I already paid my dues and fees?   

there's this current thing with a appraisal fee, then the court ordered lifetime alimony, (which got placed onto a wage garnishment even though I was fully compliant with the court order) I don't wish her any harm, and yet sure would be nice for me if something happened where the alimony would be removed from my stack o stuff I'm to be paying. 

Well, time to go call about this appraisal fee thing.

peace

[StartingHealing]

01-20-2024

Dealing with some 5hit over the last couple of days.  No real trigger that I can discern at this time.  I'm in a odd place emotionally.  Thinking about it, I've been in this odd space emotionally for a very long time.  Perhaps my expectation of emotional landscape is incorrect.  Hmmm, yes, I know I'm in my head at the moment, that is kind of my go to when faced with things.  Usual pattern for me anyway is event happens, then instinct kicks in, then reason, then emotions.  Thinking about the usual roles that men did, hunter-gatherer epochs, it makes sense that pattern would be hard wired into my genetic expression.  I know that the narrative in current day is for dudes like me to skip the reason part and go to the emotional part.  Personally I think that narrative has done way more damage than helped men generally.

I do not in any way shape or form am suggesting that emotional context is not important.  Rather that you have to work with what you got in the manner that best serves, not having an outside narrative, dare I say propaganda, become "the way" I am "supposed" to heal from all the -ucked up situations that I've survived?  I do not remember where this quote comes from "Men are human doings".  Well, duh.  that is the way that we are wired, that is part and parcel of our genetic expression da-nit.  IDK, it appears to me that because of the body I inhabit this time round, in this realm, in the culture I reside in, I'm out the gate "evil", everything that is jacked up in the world is "my" fault.  My personal fault.  Like what the ever living fu-k?  Then add in that I not supposed to have feelings, feel pain, and allow whomever access to the resources that I acquire, and at least to me, this goes a long way in explaining why so many guys are saying f it, I'm out.   

I'm in that camp myself.   

I do have to navigate this current society as best as I'm able, taking into account that the current narrative is because I'm breathing I'm a bad guy. Add in my skin color and it's even worse.  And it's a Scooby Doo mystery to most folks in the mainstream why guys are disengaging, some are getting passports and residing overseas, and why some are resigned to video games and pr0n.  I know that for me in the current state of society, I am very very circumspect in all interactions due to the current over-reach where because a person is feeling a certain type of way, and I happen to be in the line of fire, baseless allegations are made to the authorities and at the least my reputation is destroyed, could get fired, be arrested, assets confiscated without any evidence at all.  And the concept of innocent until proven guilty does. not. apply.   

To me, this ties into what I have gone through, I mean, being adopted because one of the adoptive parents wanted to "balance out the kids?"  Like what??? Serious as a grand mal seizure here.  that was the reasoning of the person in the role of mother in the adoptive family.  She had already birthed 4 children, 1 boy and 3 girls.
Indeed.  A bit of psychopathy there.  The person in the role of father, being a foundling himself, I believe he was attempting to pay it forward.  Interesting in not a good way the family dynamics.  Even with the "as born to narrative"  it didn't matter, in many ways I was the red headed step child.  You see, I was there for someone else's emotional fulfillment. Even now with the passing of the adoptive parents, I'm still the red headed step child.  Associated with but not really a part of the adoptive family.

I'm currently having feelings of anger.  Not just because of the mine field that has come about in society but also for the events that I have gone through. there is some that is directed at the former spouse which is a fairly good allegory ( she does have some sort of personality disorder ) for what I am aware of in this current society in the USA. 

As a deductive problem solver, yes generally speaking that is also an expression of what is hard wired into genetic expression, I'm attempting to get a plan together in which I can live out the remainder of my years here in this realm without being so terribly exposed as I feel I am.  I've realized that I'm a fairly sociable person.  That interacting with other humans can be fun and interesting.  yet because of the narrative currently in place, I have to be concerned to a level where I have to consider the long term ramifications of saying 'good day' to someone.  Even if it's a 1 out of 100 probability that has to be taken into account if I am to continue to make a living, have a roof over my head, not have my reputation damaged, etcetera. Let alone continue to rebuild after the emotional, mental, and financial damage from the former marriage. 

To say that this is challenging is a fair understatement IMO.

For me, this ties into what I am working on accomplishing healing wise because I have started to realize that I have more agency than I perhaps perceived myself having.  Part of the perception shift towards realizing how much agency that I have in and over my life.  Spooky in a way, well, growing up on a family farm, there was actions that had to be taken.  The attitude of "chores" has followed me and perhaps that is not exactly how life really is.  Yes, a person needs to be of service to others. But at the same time, having the "have to do" rather than the "want to do".  that changes the emotional basis, at least for me.

At the moment, I am seriously considering what it would take for me to continue to make a living but to also reside in a place in the world where the current mine-field and razor wire of society in the USA doesn't exist in that area.  Or if it does, it is well defined and I'm more easily able to navigate it.  I was F-ing scared most of the time while I was in the relationsh-t with the former spouse.  I'm now free from that, healing from it, and yet the society I perceive generally speaking is such that there is a definite concern on my part. I feel that I cannot be the gregarious, friendly, caring, person that I'm starting to discover out in society.  I do have a hyper awareness of the current social climate and by gum, ... S.O.B. it feels like I'm back to walking on eggshells.  And that really sticks in my craw. 

[Papa Coco]

SH

I just started reviewing a few different places on the forum besides the recovery journals.  I see a response from you from October and I want to address it: it's from the weeks that I was in Hypnotherapy with a metaphysical twist to it. Here's what you wrote:

October 11, 2023, 03:30:56 PM
Papa Coco

You seem to share a lot of the same concepts that I have.  I would like to engage in a conversation with you concerning the spiritual aspects.

I have been hypnotized before and I have found it to be very helpful.

Did I drop the ball? What I can say is that I have been growing a lot since that hypnosis. It's amazing how it guided me to a stronger belief in a more stable way of looking at the insanity of this world and of my life.

I VERY much would love to start a dialogue with you, and with anyone who would be okay talking on a slightly metaphysical way.

My therapist told me that he's noticed that people with lifelong trauma disorders tend to be more spiritually curious than people who had happy childhoods. Of course that's not a hard rule, but speaking generally, the percentage of spiritually minded people is higher in people with C-PTSD.

The things I've been learning since hypnotherapy are stabilizing me in new ways such as I've never felt before.

So if you are still interested in speaking about our C-PTSD journeys with a spiritual/metaphysical flavor, I'm up for it.

[StartingHealing]

SH

I just started reviewing a few different places on the forum besides the recovery journals.  I see a response from you from October and I want to address it: it's from the weeks that I was in Hypnotherapy with a metaphysical twist to it. Here's what you wrote:

October 11, 2023, 03:30:56 PM
Papa Coco

You seem to share a lot of the same concepts that I have.  I would like to engage in a conversation with you concerning the spiritual aspects.

I have been hypnotized before and I have found it to be very helpful.

Did I drop the ball? What I can say is that I have been growing a lot since that hypnosis. It's amazing how it guided me to a stronger belief in a more stable way of looking at the insanity of this world and of my life.

I VERY much would love to start a dialogue with you, and with anyone who would be okay talking on a slightly metaphysical way.

My therapist told me that he's noticed that people with lifelong trauma disorders tend to be more spiritually curious than people who had happy childhoods. Of course that's not a hard rule, but speaking generally, the percentage of spiritually minded people is higher in people with C-PTSD.

The things I've been learning since hypnotherapy are stabilizing me in new ways such as I've never felt before.

So if you are still interested in speaking about our C-PTSD journeys with a spiritual/metaphysical flavor, I'm up for it.

Totally up for it.  Would you like to keep it in the area that others can peruse or would this better be handled in a private manner?  Either way works for me. 
Wishing you all the best

[StartingHealing]

let's see it's Feb 3 2024

Sun is up, need to open the blinds to let a Buddha palm plant get some.  Time for more coffee and nicotine.  You know what I find very ironic?  I know that nicotine isn't that healthy of a choice but at least I have a choice.  Yet the powers that be have green lit lots of substances that are much more damaging and there isn't any public notification about those.  Isn't that removing the choice from the public?  PFA's, BPA's, GMO's, a whole laundry list of chemicals, and the list goes on and on. don't forget about the rise in what they are calling turbo cancers now.  Cause officially unknown.

This is an exploratory missive.  I'm attempting to work things out inside my own thinking meat. Not trying to trigger anyone.

I really do think that because of the profit motive there are modalities, techniques, herbs, that have been and are being actively suppressed.  Not only in physical healing but also in the mental / emotional realm as well.  Follow my logic here:  Current archeology findings have pushed anatomically modern human existence back to 250 - 300 thousand years ago. Mankind has been in conflict for eons.  And I'm supposed to accept that in a tribal setting not a single group, anywhere in the world, ever had any trauma?  Or that the tribe would allow a member that was needed for the continued well being of the tribe to remain in that state?  Or how about the idea that the ancestors just dealt with it.  That doesn't track either. 

Then ask what is the most important thing in emotional / mental healing?  The feeling of being connected and safe with another human.  Then the modality.  And what is common in the modern world? Being alone. Not having family, a tribe that comes together to support. having the feeling of being a replaceable carbon based revenue unit. When every. single. thing. is commerce.  What does that do to us?   

Not trying to be all conspiracy here but dam-.  If it walks, looks, and sounds like a duck.. 

Seriously, I'm supposed to believe based on so called experts that in the quarter + million years of homo sapiens sapiens humans being around they never figured anything out in regards to anything?  that is some high level hubris there IMO.  Where did that concept come from?  Who profits from that?   

One thing that I have been led to is that sometimes one has to ask different questions. What ever happened to the "question everything and determine for yourself?" or empirical first hand experience?  When did that go out of the window?  In a tribal setting, why are old people valuable?  Because of the experiences which led to wisdom.  In many ways I believe we have been hoodwinked and have been infected with mind viri that strips away our agency, our innate capabilities for recovery and healing.  We outsource so much, we have been convinced that the cult of the white lab coats are 100% correct all the time.  yet this same cult in it's various forms deliberately squash information that doesn't fall in line with the current dogma. 

What other mind viruses have been intentionally injected into society?  I know a few.

There is the BS about adoption and how (insert favorite cuss phrase here) wonderful it is.  Excuse me, but how is creating a legal fiction wonderful?  How is coercing a mother to relinquish her child wonderful? How is raising a child in environs where there is no genetically related people to them wonderful? Why is kinship adoption the lowest option on the list of possibilities?  People talk about human trafficking and how terrible it is but the adoption industry worldwide legally engages in the exact same thing. Estimated revenues of the adoption industry is in the billions a year.  I guess the only difference is one is legal and one isn't.

What about the whole fat thing?  Usually if the fat is natural, and it hasn't been changed into something else by humans, fat is fine to eat.  Will not increase blood serum cholesterol. Will not increase weight.  What does increase blood serum cholesterol and weight?  Refined sugar.  What do food product manufacturers do to get us to eat the "low fat" stuff that they peddle because of the mouth feel?  Refined sugar.  There are some seed oils that aren't good as well. Almost like man made, man derived substances aren't that good for mankind health wise.

How is colloidal silver so nasty that the FDA has issued warnings about it, even though there has never been a reported case of death, but sodium fluoride hydroxide (which is a toxic byproduct of aluminum refining, this stuff will eat through reinforced concrete, to handle it you better be in a full hazmat suit) is routinely added to tap water and toothpaste? And yes, there are deaths associated with it along with many other nasty side effects that doesn't kill.

Kinda makes me wonder what else is toxic, in all areas, that the powers that be have propagandized so that it appears that it's not? 

I'm attempting to obtain a realistic and objective view of what I find myself in.  As navigators have always said "the map isn't the terrain". What if the map we have been force fed isn't accurate at all and who derives benefit off of us floundering around attempting to find our way? 

I wish all the brave souls here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

Feb 4 2024

healing action(s)

I have joined some pen pal (snail mail) groups off of FB and it's been a on going positive experience.  Maybe it's a over correction from being alienated from anybody except the loose cannon, it's really nice to communicate with others in that manner. there is a good 1/2 dozen or better in the states and I've sent some international. I have informed delivery and there have been times that did not notify me and surprise! a wonderful letter. The international aspect is just starting to come online in IRL. One of the groups I belong to has a thing where when you send a letter you make a post about it. And there is one so far that indicates a letter on it's way to my mailing address.    I even got myself a manual typewriter as well since my longhand at times can be a bit messy.  Thinking about international specifically, American English isn't native to them and then add in the possible messy and typing a letter seemed to be the best option.  Inflation has got to the postage rates but it's still a decent deal.  Up to 1 oz to 180 different countries for a buck 55?

Consider this: before the internet, before the phone system, writing letters was "the" means of communicating with others at distance.  IDK maybe it's a nostalgia thing. There was a gal that was in the position of cousin to me in the adopted family.  She lived in a city that was 2 1/2 hours drive away and that was definitely long distance on the old land based phone system and we were pen pals for a very very long time. It was always a good day when a letter would arrive.

I'm tapping into the part of my noggin that has understanding about the symbols we call words.  How best to communicate an emotional state via text? How best to not introduce confusion?  How to form a sentence, paragraph, that is easy to follow and makes sense to a non-native speaker? 

As a result of that, I've noticed that my own thoughts have gained clarity and dare I say some insight? 

I know that there will be pen pals that come and go.  Life happens and that's ok.  if I can provide someone a smile or a good vibe when they read a letter I sent them then I'm spreading the good around you know?  A small act of defiance towards the doom / gloom, everything is a major crisis narrative that is unfortunately present these days. 

Besides all of that.. it's just fun.  Something that has been lacking in my experience for some time.

Wishing all here, all the best

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
I really enjoyed reading what you wrote here about making contact with some FB penpals.  I also very much relate to the enjoyment of receiving a hand-written or typed letter in the post - it is really special, and I used to rely on such communications when I was a child - to help me get through some things. 

I love that you are enjoying providing someone with a smile or a good vibe - that's really lovely. And like you said, it's just fun as well.  I hope you get more instances of fun and enjoyment in your life.

Wishing you the best.
Hope 

[StartingHealing]

Feb 11 2024

The rain came in.  Was 3 days of rain which I'm starting to wonder if I have some kind of thing if I don't get enough sunlight.  I know that sun light triggers things in the brain to create melatonin (sp) and helps with setting circadian rhythm. Not to mention possible having a mood bottom out from the lack of light.  The negative ions were great though.  I'm starting to wonder if a change of location that has a bit more relative humidity would be beneficial.  Ocean would be good.  Not west coast though some parts to expensive and some are to cold.  Maybe the Gulf?  East coast is out as well.  Well maybe the keys.. I like where I'm currently at especially since the loose cannon isn't in the mix any longer but dam- triple digits during the summer gets kinda old ya know?  And dry as someone who is no longer in this realm used to say "drier than a pop-corn f-rt".  I still miss him.  Been many decades and I know that my grief from losing 1st mother is also wrapped up in the grief of losing him. 

The international pen pal thing has kicked off pretty good I think.  This last week I recieved a letter from LatAm and one from the EU.  If the folks that indicated they will be writing actually do then there will be one coming in from down under, and a couple from Africa.  I have sent some to the same and to SE Asia.  Hopefully they will reply.  I'm intentionally being vague because a simple venn diagram depending on the data sets and I'm found IRL. 

@Hope67  If your interested there are private groups on FB for pen pals in analog formats. 

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
I'm glad you're getting some interesting mail from those pen-pals. 
Hope 

[StartingHealing]

13 Feb 2024

What an interesting last few days.

More ghosts of events past bubbling up, some happy, some sad, some angry, some just meh.  Taking a page from Sol, I verbally name what the feeling is when these ghosts float through my consciousness.  In lineal time frame the past doesn't exist, the future doesn't either, yet depending on the tradition, the past exists along with the future, of all possible timelines based on quantum theory that says that all possibilities should be expressed, which also makes sense because where is the "push" coming from to keep the universe expanding?  Trying to have understanding in multiple dimensions ... oy vey. 

Much anger at the moment.  It will pass, I'm pretty certain it will.  Nothing remains static, things are always changing, flowing from one state into another state. 

I think I need to eat or have more caffeine.  the tireds caught up to me and I'm having a time of it keeping my peepers open.  One of the pre-requisites of working, employers tend to want you to stay awake during your shift.   

Maybe I'll write more later.

Wishing all here all the best

[Hope67]

Wishing you all the best too, StartingHealing. 
Hope 

[StartingHealing]

19 Feb 2024

What an interesting few days.  I think I need to seek out information concerning on the development and then clearing of physical symptoms as I heal from all the bu77shit from the loose cannon and the adoptive mother.  Not to mention other situations that have fed into that. 

I get it, the stuffing of emotions will eventually show in physical issues, now though, I'm not in that situation(s) any longer.  Soooooooo, really weird that as I'm healing up and yet the physical symptoms come and go.  I don't know if my google fu is good enough for me to find that info.

Well, time to get back to the school work.

Wishing all her all the best

[Papa Coco]

SH,

I'm right here with you in the struggles. I'm sending you an empathetic hug.  

I'm glad you shared about how your physical symptoms continue to come and go. I have the same need for understanding the mind/body connection in ways that can help slow those symptoms from returning so often. I hope you find some interesting information in your research that helps.

[StartingHealing]

2-20-24

@PapaCoco,

Seems like my google-fu was decent enough for the task.  Appears that it is very common that physical issues will arise during the healing process.  My understanding is that it's like an onion.  So there is the top level stuff, in my case call it muscular armoring which was what I was doing in an attempt to protect the self from the verbal barrage that would occur. 

Now that situation is gone.  And by the gods, I do not revisit that.  Using the Zen folks approach of "oh that is a thought.  oh that is a memory"  witness but do not engage. yeah?  As my muscular armoring is reducing, there is the corresponding influx of blood, nutrients, oxygen exchange, and that .. well it's like when you sleep on your arm wrong and it goes "dead" then when the blood comes rushing in.  Kind of like that but much slower.  I figure that it's like the defrosting of a food item, outside gets done first but then the heat still has to work it's way through to the middle. 

Being much more limber, but still having knots that haven't thawed yet, and all that muscle tissue is starting to realize that don't need to be armor, but like most things it's not a all at once.  Certain muscle groups are farther along than others.  And then

there is the spontaneous release of emotions.  I got "dust in my eyes" the other day while walking with my doggo.  From, if you can savvy it, a hummingbird that was "singing" in the morning.  Then on Thursday, a bee came to see what was up while I was unloading some groceries from my car.  That dam-ned dust again.  I'm just now starting to realize how much emotion that I stuffed.  Course that isn't that far out there since growing up a hero of mine was Mr. Spock from the original Star Trek.  The whole thing around closed adoption.  One these days I may go off on just how F-ed up that was.  To the person in the role of mother in the 2cd family, I wasn't there because I needed a safe, secure, loving place to be raised in.  I was there to fill her "needs".  I mean seriously, *?  She already had 4 kids.

As the layers keep getting peeled, then how the body expresses it will change.  Currently there is a spot in my upper back that really gets tender.  I've found that belly breathing helps that spot.  Definitely very sensitive to stress hormones.

 This from a former adrenaline junky.  Fast cars, faster bikes, pushing to the edge,  losing it, fix the bike, and try it again.  I reckon that the square inches of skin I have that isn't carrying scar tissue is pretty low. Being out on the open pasture, lose it, and cactus breaking your high speed fall you know.
 Same with bones that haven't been bruised at one time or another.  full contact interaction with life.  It's amazing how much damage a human body can take and still function. 

there is now something going on with my low back.  it feels like I bruised the nerves, yet nothing has happened that would do that.  No bone bruises either.  I have a whole slew of stretches that decompress the back and legs, even down to the tail bone, and while that will limber up my legs so I don't hurt much while walking, if I sit to long, or sit in a manner where my weight isn't forward on my upper thighs, or if I stand to long in one place

sigh   Even with that, I'm still walking my doggo daily.  usually about an hour.  On my days off, we will do up to 2 hours.  I bring H2O with for him and me so no worries.

This to will pass.  And honestly I'm used to waking up sore / hurting.  Growing up on a family farm, there was always something, cow stepping on your foot,  a slip and fall, muscle aches and stiffness from what I did the day before outside the adrenaline rush stuff, cuts, bruises, blisters, getting slammed into a wall because a cow shifted sideways or getting kicked.  Holy Shi-.  I miss it.  Well at the end of the day, you knew what you had done.  there was a sense of actually completing something, and usually a moment or 3 where a body could appreciate the sunset / sunrise, shadow of a cloud chasing over the land, freaking out the jack rabbits   Fresh snow that glittered like jewels in the sunlight. 

However, tis annoying in current situation.  My mentor referred me to a person she knows that does energy healing.  the chiropractor hasn't had success in pain reduction for me, even though there for a while I was going 5x a week. 

I have had experienced being on the receiving end of energy healing before and ... wwhhooaaa a good'n will light me up like a Xmas tree.  It's in about a week and 1/2.  This person is that booked which is a good indication.  Took the day from work because according to my mentor this person is top drawer.  Doing some forecasting based off my other experiences, I need the day.

Perhaps, this will clear out all the crapola and then I can start getting back into those spiritual things that I stopped because of the loose canon.  that would be cool.  I miss it.  Sucks with being at odds with yourself.  Not a fun time.

I'll report what the results are from the energy healing.

To sum it all up. yes as one heals from emotional / mental / spiritual abuse the body will express various symptoms at differing times along the healing path.  Some can be from the secondary / tertiary / quaternary issues that were created from the primary expression of the body doing what it could to protect you.  kinda like how the thinking meat did the same.  Nutrition is way way important.  Like mission critical because as the whole heals, the body is going to need certain minerals / vitamins / herbs / amino acids to assist the recovery.  Non-GMO / Organic while better than conventional still doesn't contain the level of nutrition required for the body to do that miracle of restoration. 

Wishing all here, all the best