Blue's blues

[Armee]

 

Nope. NONE of the shame belongs to you. 

[blue_sky]

3rd Emotion Regulation class yesterday.

I am starting to like the group class. I actually feel sad that it's already Session 3 and we only have 5 more to go.
Having these sessions on Monday has helped me with not getting Mondayitis. And I have also realised that I don't feel as anxious on Sunday evenings because I look forward to the class and learning new skills.

Yesterday we started the class by practising mindfulness. The class as a group, came up with animal names beginning from each letter of the alphabet; starting from A to Z. And BOY "X" was hard! I said "X-mas Reindeer?" and made the whole class laugh, was slightly embarrassed.

We also learned about chain analysis, discussed previous week's skills practice (we renamed "Homework" as skills practice as it sounded better).

Towards the end we learned about naming our emotions, naming what it feels like in our body when we feel those emotions, and working out what the purpose was of that emotion.

Looking forward to practicing these skills over the week. But final exams on Thursday  I hate exams. Why can't we just learn & learn more? Why the need to test us?   

[NarcKiddo]

Those classes sound great. I am just catching up on your latest journal entries, and I loved the lemons episode. I am glad everyone found their own lemon.

I'm curious about the concept of exams for such a class, though. I'd like to hear more about how that even works; only if you want to tell, of course.

And you are right. The shame is NOT yours to carry and never was. I'm glad you are starting to get rid of it. 

[blue_sky]

Oh the exams are not for Emotion Regulation class, that would be so funny though lol.

I am doing undergraduate degree in Psychology. Initially when I left my home country, I had to study something else because my strict father was partially funding my education and I had to follow his rules otherwise he wouldn't help me pay the uni.
I didn't really enjoy it much.

I have been in therapy on/off since 2016 and around 2017/18, I started feeling like I want to do this too. I want to be able to help others like me in the same way how my amazing therapists have been there for me. So I got into thinking about studying psychology and it was like an answer for the dreaded "where do you see yourself in 10yrs time" question.

I thought about joining uni for a while, worried about finances and what if I didn't like the subject, what if I'm triggered, etc. Started by taking just 1 subject per semester in 2021 and 2022. This year I took 2 subjects for first semester and I'm doing 2 subjects currently. So final exams is about the psychology degree.

It is quite triggering at times, but it is also so much exciting for me to know what causes these emotions/reactions/events that we go through and how we can help someone.

Exams however are a huge deal for me. My inner critic is on high alert, I feel judged, I feel incompetent, too much negative energy....

[Larry]

Hi blue sky,  emotional regulation class sounds helpful,  try not to stress about your exams,  i will be thinking of you....

[NarcKiddo]

Oh the exams are not for Emotion Regulation class, that would be so funny though lol.

Ha ha! Silly me. Exams are so stressful, though. Wishing you all the best.

[Blueberry]

I'm a bit late reading here blue_Sky, but none of that shame belongs to you. NONE.   



Skills practice instead of homework sounds great to me!

[blue_sky]

Thank you so much Armee, NK, Larry and Blueberry for celebrating with me  My exams are over too so I have been trying to enjoy these stress-free moments while they last.

4th Emotion Regulation group was last Monday.
We started with musical mindfulness where we listened to an instrumental song and tried to stay focused in the song, trying to notice different instruments, notes etc
Little Blue wanted to dance and was swaying in the chair 

We learned about opposite action. When you're angry and want to shout at the other person, instead choosing opposite action to stay quiet so the issue doesn't escalate.

I guess it makes sense when we think about anger as an emotion but I couldn't agree opposite action on everything. If someone hit me, I don't think I'd want to choose opposite action and stay quiet (although my reflex would make me freeze and not be able to defend myself). I don't know.. I haven't thought about those things too much.

We were also given a loooonnngg list of simple, positive, nice things that we could do to. We were supposed to plan one activity per day and journal if we did it or not.
Because of the exams and the dreaded Diwali festival, I couldn't complete this week's homework (aka Skills Practice). I feel a tad bit guilty about that.

Blue's Independence Day - Year II

Last Wednesday was officially 2 years since I have been NC with the abuser sibling. Me and my friend celebrated my Independence Day.
We went for a nice manicure/pedicure, went shopping for sometime, went to a mosaic art class, played some arcade games, won prizes, had Malaysian dinner.
I think I managed to have a pretty good day although there was a turmoil of different thoughts and feelings inside my head.

[Armee]

Happy independence, BlueSky. You deserve that.

I've had good luck with opposite action though I agree with you that in the case of standing up for yourself and setting boundaries that I don't like the idea of that at all.

The way I used it was when I would be in emotional flashbacks and feeling like I was not good enough I would destroy myself by like getting up at 3 am to scrub the bathrooms, do laundry, make a nice breakfast for everyone etc. In the meantime I was exhausting myself and not doing enough would turn into doing too much and being overwhelmed and then that would turn into not doing enough and it was a bad cycle. Opposite action required me to when I felt a compulsion to do something like scrub the toilets to make myself feel like I was worthwhile, I had to just stop where ever I was an sit down and do nothing. On the other hand if my compulsion was to lay in bed and do nothing it would have requires me to get up and do something. Eventually this helped break that cycle of working myself to the bone to not feel worthless and helped me realize I don't need to do all those things to be worthy to my husband and kids. It was really helpful. One of the first successes I had in therapy actually. Or if I felt compelled to lock myself in the bathroom to dissociate I was supposed to go sit next to my husband instead etc.

I hope that's helpful to give those examples.

[blue_sky]

Last week I couldn't write about the 5th Emotion Regulation Class. Too much going on in my head.

Yesterday was the 6th week. There are only 2 more classes to go and I feel so sad.
Yesterday we got to learn from a Therapy Dog. She was the first therapy dog I had ever met. She was lovely and so patient with all of us.

We learnt a bit about distress tolerance, about hyper-arousal, hypo-arousal and optimal zone. Then we tried to use our senses to be mindful and notice different elements.

I thought I was feeling better with Diwali and exams over and things feeling better in therapy. But now it seems like that was me hallucinating.
And that I am back to my old, sad, Blue. I don't enjoy work, it reminds me of the fact that I did not study this because I wanted to, I had to study this because otherwise F wouldn't have let me leave the horror house.
When I'm at work - I am miserable.
When boss wants us to reduce hours because work is slow - I feel unwanted and unvalued.
When I'm trying to update resume and apply for other jobs - I feel so basic and un-talented, like there's nothing special about me.
When I don't hear back from recruiters and jobs I applied to - I feel stressed and lost.

Why does it hurt this much? I know I am okay, I know I am safe, physically and financially too for at least a good couple of months.
But still I am hypervigilant all the time. I feel like I'm sitting idly but inside my body it's like I'm trembling and just can't stop.
Why is it so difficult to look at the brighter things in life? Why is it that past traumas act as an anchor for us and pull us right back when we trying to surface up?

    

[NarcKiddo]

It's a tough time of year for all of us, it seems. And all the more for you with the exams and Diwali. I think sometimes we can overlook how the stress of anticipating these things can mean we feel very deflated when they're past rather than happy they are over. I think you have done really well and maybe you just need to be kind to yourself for a while as you get back to equilibrium.

I know you didn't want to study what has led to your current job. But could you maybe study what you originally wanted to? Even just something part time or for fun could be fulfilling and you might find it leads you to other things. I've spent my entire working life in a career I only chose because it was acceptable to my parents and I could do it well enough. I can't say it has been bad, particularly, but I have a strong sense of wasted talent now, with no scope to move to another field. You're young enough to have time on your side to try new things. You are special and you have talents. When we are squashed so thoroughly as children we cannot learn where our talents and interests lie. So I think you have some exploring to do. It may be necessary for you to apply for jobs that are not ideal right now, because we all have to pay to live, but making room for growth into new areas seems like something worth trying.

 

[Armee]

Ah BlueSky. All so well said and so poignant. It's not fair that even after we escape the situation the trauma still grabs at us. It'll take some time of being safe to be able to process through and recover from the horrors of what you went through. All I can say is imagine someone else you care about having gone through the same things you were put through and what you would feel toward them when they were still struggling to move past it all. 

Hon it's not just a one time trauma it was nearly constant. You've not been free from it for very long. It takes time to heal. But it'll happen slowly and steadily now that you are safe.

And there's nothing basic about you. You are a survivor. In your field that is going to be a huge strength. You have super powers from what you've gone through and you have super powers you were born with that set you apart from everyone else on the planet. I understand what you are feeling and it keeps me from feeling qualified to do even the most mundane job. But I know objectively...you have a ton to offer. 

[blue_sky]

Thank you NK and Armee for the hugs and kind and wise words.

My morning started with a smile after reading your replies.

NK I am doing Bachelors Degree for a 2nd time, this time in a field that I have been so passionate about and it's so close to my heart... Psychology.
But it's gonna be a long way as I am doing it part-time and it's a lengthy procedure to become an accredited clinical psychologist.

Hon it's not just a one time trauma it was nearly constant. You've not been free from it for very long. It takes time to heal. But it'll happen slowly and steadily now that you are safe.

Thank you for the reminder Armee. You are right, It's been only two years since I have been NC with the sibling. And I still hear his name or see his photos in family conversations here and there. It's so difficult to be self-compassionate that we just have to keep reminding ourselves to love ourselves.

  

[Hope67]

Hi Blue_sky,
I am glad that you were able to get through that procedure (having your IUD placed).  I think you were brave.  I am sorry that people questioned your wish to have the general anaesthesia, that is your choice, and I understand it. 

I'm glad you're going to be celebrating Blue's Independence Day for the 2nd time. 

Hope 

[blue_sky]

Still going through another difficult week.

Monday was the 7th Emotion Regulation Class. I'm quite sad that next week is the last one.
Finally when the group was comfortable talking to each other and sharing experiences.... will probably never see them again...

We learnt about TIPP for distress tolerance.
T - Temperature [If you are someone who gets cold, get a blanket or a warm tea. If you are someone who gets heated up, ice pack to the face or cold shower]
I - Intense exercise [Like punching in the air for 20 seconds x 3 times]
P - Paced breathing [The intense exercise would lead to increased heartbeat so to regulate we do paced breathing]
P - Paced muscle relaxation [Squeezing your muscles tightly and then letting go; starting from the toes, one part of the body at a time]

Handouts were also given about different activities one could do to tolerate distress.

The mindfulness exercise was quite interesting. We were given those adult mandala colouring patterns and some colours.
After about 5 minutes (barely coloured much), we were asked to hand our sheet to the person on our left and continue colouring the page that the person on the right gave to us.
And after sometime they would get us to switch again.

The thoughts/feelings that arose for me:
1) As soon as I saw the mandala pattern, I knew I don't have enough time to complete it so I was worried.
2) Started colouring with "scented gel pens" but there was no scent. Felt sad.
3) The gel pens stopped working after colouring like 2 sections, this was the 2nd gel pen that ran out of ink. Started getting annoyed. Even wondered if they were doing this on purpose to get us distressed.
4) When they got us to switch the paper, I was nervous that someone else would continue my work and anxious that I had to colour someone else's and would have to make it good enough for them.
5) Also uncomfortable as that person was using blue marker and I only had gel pens so the colours/textures didn't match.

Did not think such a small mindfulness exercise of colouring could bring up so many emotions for me. 


Also work is super unstable right now. Boss said the past 5 months the accounts have been on minus and we will be doing 3 day work week for at least a couple of months (and even that's not guaranteed). Trying to find another position but not much is available and I have limited skills and availability as I have a lot of medical and academic commitments.
Plus mortgage. Plus mum's living with us. Plus friend's wedding in Japan next year. Want to hide under a rock