Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[dollyvee]

Hi SH,

I just wanted to say that it sounds like you're doing a lot to work with this stuff. It might not be easy, but you are doing the work.

In my experience, with an NPD mother and grandmother, it's a very big wound. I don't know if you're interested, or if you would find it applicable, but Will I Ever Be Good Enough was a good read. It's for women with NPD mothers, but perhaps you might find something in there too.

Sending you support,
dolly

[StartingHealing]

Hi dolly,

I thought I would place this here.  Archive.org and OpenLibrary.org are both free resources they may not have the exact books but they do have a real aloud option. worth a shot

If you have a local libarary card you can use an app called Libby or Overdrive.  That way you can access the "ebooks" even though there still is a 14 day return date. (lol) 

At the moment the biggest thing for me is the knowing that my natural mother did grieve, she did care, She loved me, I mattered to her.  That has been very healing. 

[Armee]

That is very healing to know, that your mother cared and grieved. 

Funny not long ago...a few months...I finally worked up the courage to join FB too. I hope you find some helpful groups for you.

[StartingHealing]

That is very healing to know, that your mother cared and grieved. 

Funny not long ago...a few months...I finally worked up the courage to join FB too. I hope you find some helpful groups for you.

Armee, Did find some very helpful groups on FB. Plus I got into some groups that I have an interest in like photography. 

Did find a group ran by Joe Soll.  It's pointed to folks involved in the adoption triangle but there are things that to me would help anybody with childhood trauma.  I did buy one of his books, amazon should be delivering it today.

[StartingHealing]

Oct 14 2023

What an interesting morning. Definitely on the right track.  I'm receiving "prompts" to take certain actions that have resulted in me facing my fears of overwhelm of the mass of emotions stored up, to reconnecting to the inner kiddo(s) to doing reconciliation with all parts of myself and both sets of parents and their parents.  My mentor in such matters told me that it was a type of blood walk ceremony that I engaged in. To now know what I know.  How freeing!

I have heard that connection to others, sometimes a single person that makes you feel safe, or a safe feeling space / place, where the people there savvy because they have gone through a similar circumstance, and the connection to Spirit, however you want to conceptualize that, plus a willingness to redefine yourself, self concept you know?  Change the story I tell myself about myself.  Not gonna fudge the truth it's not comfortable. It is ok though.  This is good uncomfortable. If that makes any sense. 

I used to be firmly in the physical as far as actions go.  I have realized that taking action can involve things like self compassion, self love, acceptance of emotions, communicating to ourselves in a positive manner, sometimes when attempting to do something new, to say things out loud that we need to hear as if it's from a growed up that is supporting us.  Finding intentions that can be said aloud, that resonate with that spark of the Divine within, why not take that action? The other actions that show ourselves that we actually do give a dam_. Why not? 

Where did the idea come from that acting loving to ourselves is a bad thing?  I mean, anything can be a pathology, right?  The quote is "Sometimes the only difference between medicine and poison is the dose." 
Now back to the concept of balance that all spiritually aware cultures talk about.

I know that I know that I know that I am loved. I am valued as me. I am worthy. I am deserving.

  Sometimes attempting to translate from intuitive knowing into other forms gets tricky.  It's all the prior and more.

At this moment I am doing pretty good. 

Wishing all here all the best.

[StartingHealing]

poem: 

Was I a good kid?
was I loved?
why did you go away?
Momma
Momma
Momma

I miss you
I always have
I found your
grave
one of many

2cd family
really wasn't
they tried
maybe
I guess

alone in a room
full of folks
that are not
blood
mirror

Once and still
soul crushed
still I breath
seeking
seeking

HOME.

[StartingHealing]

Joe Soll is really big on feeling statements.  I'm starting to use them consistently and slowly I can feel myself coming back .. little pieces here and there

Part of what it seems I need to do is tell my story.  I know that the root of the crap is back in the past and is related to my experience as adopted

Then the addition of the crap that I experienced with the former spouse being BPD and sheesh

[StartingHealing]

My greatest fear as a child was...(prompt from Kizzie)

That I was going to be given away to another family where I would have to put another layer of mask on.

I remember wishing that I could be Mr. Spock off the original star trek TV series.  I really related to him.

Peace

[StartingHealing]

10-16-23

Lots of things running in my brain at the moment.  Some of it is good, some of it is not so much.  I've been attempting to feel the feelings without the need to create a story around the feeling.  Notice, be aware, see it with compassion, love it, and allow it to flow.

Feels like my emotions are closer to the surface, which I think they were always there it was that I wasn't paying attention to them.  I have carried a lot of fecal matter for a long time.  I'm looking forward to when I am not carrying that load any longer.

I'm still engaged in affirmations, spoken gratitude statements. Telling myself positive things about myself.  Like when doing .. coloring.  As a inner kiddo thing, (is it I or we? ) anyhow, did a hand turkey drawing, got some crayons, colored it, and put it on the wall.  All the while saying how it was a great picture, and how good of coloring that happened.  I used my off hand for all of it.  I also bought a small kids stuffed toy wolf.  When I see it, a smile comes to my face.

The recognition of just how tough of a son of a gun I was / am? in going through what I went through as a wee one, not having momma around in the physical, not feeling like I fit in anywhere, the sense of loss and grief that was baked into everything, sheesh. Yet, I still remember times that I was happy, times that I felt loved, I felt heard, that my wants and needs were taken into consideration.

I have today off of work. Had to take a vacation day but *.  I didn't feel up to going to the company sponsored "helping those less fortunate" which I'm totally down for.  I feel that it's not a needful thing for a company to overtly suggest that XYZ is company approved.  I get that they are looking after their ESG scores but damn. 

IDK.  Journaling .. Maybe I need to get back into doing it again IRL on paper.  Part of what is going through my noggin is the realizations of how I was manipulated and how my own good nature was twisted and used against me by the former spouse. No lie, her campaign was a long term one, and now it's starting to come together in my noggin of what, where, etc.  The why is that she's disturbed.  IDK if I would call her "evil" yet to intentionally hurt/wound someone that you claim that you love them?  Definitely F-ed up.

I used to journal a lot.  It was a daily habit of mine for several years. Always was stocking up on paper when the sales would hit for back to school here in the USA.  The former spouse got all bent outta shape one time over me journaling. So I burned them all.  Every single one.  Like * I was going to allow her to read my personal writings. She already had enough ammo, she didn't need any more to hurt me with.  Yes, I am making the assumption that was the reason behind it. I came to that conclusion because every. single. thing. that I had told her she dredged up in some manner to use against me.

I need to go check breakfast / brunch. 

Peace to all the brave ones here.  I bid you peace.

[Papa Coco]

SH,

Powerful words. all of them. That x-spouse was quite a person. Wow. She wants control so badly that she couldn't even let you have private journals without it angering her. I guess my mom was like that too. So when you talk about how you had to destroy everything you wrote, I can relate.

I now use a computer. My wife and I have come to the agreement that I'll never share my passwords with her because if I try to write ANYWHERE that can be found by someone someday, I get total writer's block. That little part of me that still feels shame for the times when good old mom cried and yelled at me for writing in a journal. She'd read it while I was at school and attack me when I got home. Even though my wife would never do that to me, my wiring is set. I can ONLY write my deepest thoughts in a password protected computer. Otherwise I go blank. Can't think of a word to say. I believe that it's one of my IFS parts who is protecting me with writer's block because he knows I won't survive anyone ever punishing me for having private thoughts ever again. I believe our IFS parts are all on our side. All of them are only trying to help. So the writer's block is a gift from one of my parts. By locking my inner thoughts behind a password, I'm giving that part the freedom to keep protecting me. It's a win/win now.

I get it, man. I really get how destructive it was for her to do that to you.

I hope you can feel safe to start journaling again. I just started a few weeks ago, writing what I call my Stream Of Consciousness (SOC) Papers. Daily writing 3 pages of SOC as the first thing I do every morning, seems to bring me a lot of wisdom and peace.  So I hope you are able to start them up again.

You have a way of writing that brings me to some very deep emotions. That's more than a skill.  A skillful writer is one thing: an artistic writer can elicit emotions with their words. That's what your writing does for me. I think of you as a bit more of an artist, which, to me, includes skillfulness, but adds another level of talent above just skillful.

[StartingHealing]

SH,

Powerful words. all of them. That x-spouse was quite a person. Wow. She wants control so badly that she couldn't even let you have private journals without it angering her. I guess my mom was like that too. So when you talk about how you had to destroy everything you wrote, I can relate.

Oh yes, she wanted complete control and did her damnedest to beat me into submission through your usual abuser behaviors.

I now use a computer. My wife and I have come to the agreement that I'll never share my passwords with her because if I try to write ANYWHERE that can be found by someone someday, I get total writer's block. That little part of me that still feels shame for the times when good old mom cried and yelled at me for writing in a journal. She'd read it while I was at school and attack me when I got home. Even though my wife would never do that to me, my wiring is set. I can ONLY write my deepest thoughts in a password protected computer. Otherwise I go blank. Can't think of a word to say. I believe that it's one of my IFS parts who is protecting me with writer's block because he knows I won't survive anyone ever punishing me for having private thoughts ever again. I believe our IFS parts are all on our side. All of them are only trying to help. So the writer's block is a gift from one of my parts. By locking my inner thoughts behind a password, I'm giving that part the freedom to keep protecting me. It's a win/win now.

If I write in order to communicate with others that's a different path in my noggin than if I am writing for self if that makes any sense.

I get it, man. I really get how destructive it was for her to do that to you.  There was the arguments about toothpaste, or whatever, had absolutely nothing to do with the subject, rather it was her pushing the control

I hope you can feel safe to start journaling again. I just started a few weeks ago, writing what I call my Stream Of Consciousness (SOC) Papers. Daily writing 3 pages of SOC as the first thing I do every morning, seems to bring me a lot of wisdom and peace.  So I hope you are able to start them up again.

that sounds like the way of the artist thing, write 3 pages, stream of consciousness, I may attempt that one of these days in the future. 

You have a way of writing that brings me to some very deep emotions. That's more than a skill.  A skillful writer is one thing: an artistic writer can elicit emotions with their words. That's what your writing does for me. I think of you as a bit more of an artist, which, to me, includes skillfulness, but adds another level of talent above just skillful.

thank you PapaCoco.  You know, when I was a wee thing, I did have ideas about being a writer.

[StartingHealing]

Poem:

Words, words, words
so many words
clogging the brain
words that hurt
or
words that heal

which words are mine?
which ones are not?
which ones!?
Dam_-d words
which ones?

Seeking still
those words never
spoken
never heard
by my physical ears

the words became
my life line
the words on the page
the words in song
so many
beautiful
words

yet, the words
when said by
the one that I had
loved
completely

tore my soul
bleeding
oozing
draining
me
dry

now I see
the false
that she presented
manipulating
me

choosing now
only words
of
health
healing
hope
joy

Words to heal
the wounds
that were caused
by other
words

[dollyvee]

I thought I would place this here.  Archive.org and OpenLibrary.org are both free resources they may not have the exact books but they do have a real aloud option. worth a shot
 

Thanks for this SH. I am a fan of kindle books just because I can mark them up (not that I ever go back to them sometimes) and they're usually about half the price of physical books (saving trees too yadda yadda), but I will keep these in mind.

At the moment the biggest thing for me is the knowing that my natural mother did grieve, she did care, She loved me, I mattered to her.  That has been very healing. 

This is very powerful and am glad you have this anchor in your life.

Seems like you're working through it all  and sending you support,
dolly

[StartingHealing]

Thank you for the support dolly.  May you be blessed as well brave heart.

Did get some news yesterday that the ex spouse signed the contract with the cash seller.  Like finally!  closing will be in approximately 2 weeks and the buyer has agreed to give me 2 weeks after closing to find a rental and get my butt moved into a new town.  The new area generally speaking has lower cost of living, lots more restaurants to choose from, (love the mom-n-pop places) a larger mix of people, and it's closer to my current job. 

Having that monkey off my back feels so good at the moment.

Wishing all here, peace.

[StartingHealing]

The ghosts of things not remembered scream past me, leaving me gasping as I feel the anger, hurt, loss, come over me in wave after wave,

I have struggled for so long, so long, just to keep breathing, to keep breathing meant that I could still do something, I could find that thing, that 1 thing, that would help me start to fill the hole,

this hole in my soul, the one that I had to wallpaper over with the words that were told to me
instead of listening to my own truth

I do not wish to hate
yet
and yet
hate would be so easy
sedative and seductive

No, I no long-er
can bear holding
onto the past hurts
I have enough of that
myself

those who claimed me as family
I raise my arms
to you, all of you
asking for your
help

I am your legacy,
I am your hope,
By all that is holy
MOVE
MOVE
for me

I ask for that which
you should give freely
love me
care for me
make me feel your presence
make me feel
once again

something other than
pain.