Bert's Journal

[Bert]

I have a tendency to take a phenomenal amount of time when writing something via computer. I re-read every sentence I write about 15 times over, before deciding to delete all and start again... I'm going to try and let my mind speak here without overly analysing or judging.

Roughly 5 weeks ago, a trigger started an awful spiral which regressed me into a fearful child state. It was caused by the loss of a client-relationship at work. For a week or so, I kept frantically "busy" although hardly achieving a single thing, as I desperately tried to suppress the intense wave of feelings of worthlessness.

I re-started a course of anti-dep/anti-anx medication 3 weeks ago, and a week and a half ago, I put my work down to focus on finding myself and recovering. This was particularly painful as I'm self-employed and had to let clients know that I'm in need of a short break (explaining that it is a health emergency).

Over the past few days, I've started to feel remotely like me again. I feel as though I'm truly understanding and accepting the fact that my parents caused a tremendous amount of damage. In fact, I've even began to feel a tiny little bit of anger towards that fact (an emotion that is so alien to me).

I can say that compared to where I was 2/3 weeks ago, I've processed and healed a great deal. And I now accept and commit to the fact that recovery will be a long road and that managing my inner toxic critic is likely going to be a lifelong activity.

However, I'm terrified of being triggered or regressing to a completely helpless/hopeless state again. I will be resuming work soon (I'll work hard to ensure this is a gradual and manageable as possible). But also, I'm coming to the realisation that the regular contact with my oblivious and harmful parents is just as damaging today as it always has been.

This is something that I need to address very soon. I need to protect myself. I've spent a lifetime trying to appease them. Fix them. Trying to be listened to. Their behaviour will never change, and they will never acknowledge my suffering. I can't keep pretending as it is costing me so greatly. I need to draw the line.

[blue_sky]

Hi Bert,

Glad to hear you're feeling better and healing. It can be very slow and tedious journey but it will be worth it I'm sure.
I am also struggling with having boundaries with my FOO because there was no such thing as boundaries in my family. But that has led me to so much more pain.

I can also resonate the feel of "Anger" feeling alien. As a "girl", I was never allowed to be angry; or being angry would have consequences.
With the help of my T and during EMDR I started feeling this weird sensation of anger and it has been helping my inner teenager so much to let it all out.
Right now she feels angry with M and F and the sibling who caused CSA. And while it's not exactly helping me heal, it still feels so right to be angry towards each one of them.

Keep writing, it felt good to read your post. And hope you feel even better in upcoming days.
 

[NarcKiddo]

Very well done for taking the time off work to look after yourself. I am also self-employed and fully understand the ramifications and why you might have been reluctant. But your health has to be your number one priority, so again, well done. 

Like blue sky, I resonate with anger feeling alien. I wasn't allowed to be angry, either. Not because I was a girl but because emotions were reserved for my narc mother. Especially anger. She could rage to her heart's content. Any of my more negative emotions were a problem or a direct attack on her wellbeing and she would piggy-back onto my positive ones, or squash them, depending on her mood at the time.

It is really good that you recognise what the problems are. That is huge progress, even if it feels a bit daunting as you survey what needs to be tackled. But you can do it. Take it step by step. Have therapy if you can access a good therapist. If you decide to enforce boundaries with your parents (or even go NC) that will help you very much in the here and now as regards dealing with them. But in my experience it may not help all that much with unexpected triggers into an EF as those may need to be processed separately.

Wishing you all the best as you navigate this.

[Bert]

Hey Blue sky - My heart goes out to you with regards to your experience. Healing will be slow, it will be tedious, but I absolutely agree that it will be worth it. And hopefully we can draw from each other's support and compassion.

NarcKiddo - The more we engage with each other on this forum, the more I can see how similar our situations / symptoms may be. While the circumstances are rubbish, I'm grateful to feel less alone. The second paragraph in your response is as true in my childhood as it was yours.

Thank you both for your kind words

[Bert]

For the past few weeks, I've had my wife and my uncle protecting me from my parent's contact, as I've been suffering from a panic "episode"/"regression".

You see, the thing that really tipped me over the edge, is a phonecall I received from my mother as I was just about managing from a triggering event with my work. Naturally, she was drunk (she's plastered 24/7) and perhaps feeling psychotic as she does...

Nonchalantly, she begins the conversation by discussing the trivial matters that have occurred in her day of being wasted on the sofa watching TV. She notices in my voice, that I'm uninterested. Angrily, she barks "what's the matter"? I explain calmly, that I'm not having a great time at the moment with my state of mind due (of course, I could never detail to her why my state of mind is often so fragile).

Lo and behold, she bursts out crying explaining how she's f*cked everything up, how her life is miserable, and how I'm not helping by being sad myself. I calmly re-iterate that I'm going to put the phone down, knowing that anything I could have said would have been futile.

"You're going to make me commit suicide!", was her response.

Yesterday, I posted a letter through their door. I guess I can't take this anymore? The letter details that I'm not well. It points out the various things that I've learned, that I'm going through, including diagnosis of CPTSD. I point out that although I'm sure they haven't consciously wanted to affect me like this - they have, and their very presence / interactions with me trigger me enormously. I can't tell them how to live their lives, but I can chose what to do with mine. And for the sake of my health, and my wife's, I must stop all contact with them for the foreseeable future.

I feel proud of myself for doing this. For actually standing up for my needs, despite how distressing and upsetting it is.

I really want to feel less chronically anxious, panicky, and fearful. I haven't been able to get back to work yet, and I'm worried about the consequences of taking prolonged time off. I don't even know if I can face my work anymore (self-employment) or any work for that matter... My wife reminds me that that is so unimportant right now.

[Armee]

What you did is so so hard to do and I am really proud of you too. And your wife sounds amazing too.
I'm sorry you grew up and are still dealing with those threats.

I wasn't able to walk away from my mom who sounds very similar to yours because I was just too dang triggered to disentangle from those suicide type fears. I lost many years of my life to the extreme ptsd symptoms from prolonging having her in my life. Lots of time where I couldn't be present for my own kids and so much exhaustion that I left work and haven't been able to return 2 years later (other ptsd work triggers too, not just from my mom but they all interact). Stepping away from your parents instead of keeping them and losing everything else is so wise.   

[NarcKiddo]

Your letter sounds very fair and reasonable. You have not blamed them for having bad motives. It must have been hard to write and deliver, so well done.

Take care of yourself. 

[Bert]

Thanks Armee & Narc.

Armee, thank you for sharing that with me. In your case, I hope that your mother doesn't continue to emotionally suffocate you. And I hope that taking a step back from working has allowed you the capacity to feel more present with your life and children. I'm sure they love you for you, not for your job (and that you deeply know that).

[Armee]

Thank you Bert, that's really kind of you. My mom passed away 2 years ago and it was nothing but a huge relief. It's allowed space for healing to start. Before the constant drama from her just kept the trauma going day to day. I hope for you healing can start sooner than that now that you have taken solid steps to protect yourself.

[Bert]

I managed to spend some time with my sister yesterday. She is 16 and lives with my parents. She is plagued with troubles also, and I have always been her pseudo-parent / protector. We have a close bond, but I'm aware that my parents attempt to drive a wedge between her and I, as they do between us and everyone else in our community. They do this as a form of control. Alienate everybody else, in order to protect themselves and their fallacies.

She revealed that dad explained that I was just a problematic child. Got a few "mental issues" that stem from the passing of a close friend back when I was 18 years old. I burst out laughing. The letter I wrote, must literally have not been taken into any concern whatsoever. They've already made peace with it, and are trying to alienate me.

I very much love my sister. She knows she has a home with me. I think she knows that. I'm not concerned.

Aside from that - I'm actually having a relatively positive morning. Panic and depressive thoughts only persisted for a couple of hours. I feel a small sense of self-agency. Less self-abandonment. I took the dog for a lovely walk. Learning more about IFS as a form of self-therapy (which so far I'm really engaging with). Could this mark progress?

[Armee]

It sure sounds like progress to me. And keep in mind if you don't already have it there....progress isn't linear. If and when you do fall backward...you are still making progress and when you get back on your feet you'll be further than you were when you started. Just keep going. Setbacks and all.

[StartingHealing]

Bert,
If I may, I would like to share my experience with the person in the role of mother.  It got to a point several years ago that I went incognito. AKA I ghosted her because at the time I had a BPD spouse in my face and with the added crap from the person in the role of mother, it would total fubar me for 2 weeks. Then I would get back on my feet, another couple of weeks and then another phone call.  It got to a point where something had to give. 

When I found out that the person in the role of mother finally died, it was like I lost 10 tons of weight off my back.

I "get" that she was a victim of a victim yada, yada, yada, still doesn't give her a pass for her actions.

Like the former spouse.

Wishing you all the best

[Bert]

Hi StartingHealing,

I'm grateful that you shared that with me. I've read that a lot you know - that sense of losing a huge weight of your back when they pass or are removed from your life. I'm glad that I have cut mine off. I just hope that they don't eventually end up knocking at my door. It's likely, since their righteous senses of self surely won't be able to accept that their son has disowned them.

I hope you're doing well.

[StartingHealing]

Hi StartingHealing,

I'm grateful that you shared that with me. I've read that a lot you know - that sense of losing a huge weight of your back when they pass or are removed from your life. I'm glad that I have cut mine off. I just hope that they don't eventually end up knocking at my door. It's likely, since their righteous senses of self surely won't be able to accept that their son has disowned them.

I hope you're doing well.

I pray that you are doing well also.  If they do come knocking on your door, call law enforcement.  We deserve to be safe in our spaces, you know?  If need be, put a restraining order on them.  It could be hard to do or maybe not so much.   I remember when I put one on the former spouse, it seemed like it was so hard at the time, but I was legitimately in fear of my life.  I remember thinking that if this was some random person, would I have any hesitation on getting that order?  For me that was a moment where I knew that there was a trauma bond.   

You have options, it's the programming we received that keeps us from seeing them. If that makes any sense.

Wishing you all the best

[Bert]

The weekend just passed has been awful. As has today so far, and I'm bracing myself for the week ahead...

Spent time with my sister in my uncle's company. He's wanting to learn more as he is navigating the situation with wider family. Of course, he cannot believe what he is hearing. He's desperately sorry for not intervening sooner. But I guess that's not really his fault. Myself and my sister's sense of reality have been greatly distorted. Their abuse was something to keep secret. "Every family has their troubles"...

What I learned from my sister, is that they have instilled so much fear in her with regards to their life. They have made her feel responsible for their health and wellbeing. She believes that if she tries to challenge them and/or the situation, that they will cause injury to themselves. They're effectively threatening her, that if she tries to protest, she will witness more abuse.

Social services have received an anonymous file against my parents, for the welfare of my sister - who currently lives with them. They called me yesterday to ask if I had anything to share. I explained as much as I felt I could. They shared that this is the third file raised over the past 7/8 years concerning my parents, and that they will be requesting for them to be interviewed. They are contacting them today. This fills me with dread. I almost feel sorry for them. I shouldn't, but I do. Also, a part of me is terrified that they will retaliate.

On top of this, my uncle martyrdomed himself with the wider family. He has shared an email addressing the wider family members, that knowing what he knows, he can no longer be a part of the family as it continues turning a blind eye. Which so far seems to be the case... This morning, I read a couple of the responses and felt despair. The general consensus is that the family cannot believe he (uncle) is doing this. As though he is causing the upset? Not a single person has reached out to me or my sister (hopefully, 'yet'). It seems, they don't want to know?..

I feel lost.

I don't want to be all doom and gloom though. I am making some progress with myself. I'm being courageous through this- that's for sure. I'm learning more about myself through my own IFS therapy/meditations. Quite honestly, I feel like I'm rebuilding and doing precisely what is needed ahead of my wife and I preparing to create our own family. Just can't help but feel truly empty and vulnerable at the moment. Still waking up each day with panic, dread and shame. I trust that things will get better. I will find myself again soon. And what will be, needs to be.