Forging New Paths

[Armee]

I kind of love rule enforcers. 

[rainydiary]

BB, I appreciate your reflection about noticing yourself in context of the group and differences between being home and in inpatient.

[Blueberry]

I kind of love rule enforcers. 

   It may depend on how the rule enforcers try to enforce the rules, but I will keep that in mind. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks again everybody for all your encouraging remarks, it's good for me to re-read e.g. maybe I really am doing what's good for me? i.e. sleeping while things sort themselves. And occasionally writing things on the forum that could be useful for others. I used to moderate and that was a goal and a reason to get up and out of bed. I don't intend to go back to moderating but adding stuff I learnt inpatient has some sort of use for me and others.

I've had the Mindful Self-Compassion book for over a year, but in desperation in inpatient place, I started using it, writing in it even. But I blocked pretty quickly, meaning it was useful, yes, but not too much at once, can't go deep too fast. Nonetheless what I read/wrote combined with discussions with various Ts (and maybe even some discussions with fellow patients) helped me become more self-compassionate i.e not self-annihilate. That then helps me look at some more of my stuff - shortcomings and failings and stuff I'd really like to change.

[Moondance]

Rule enforcer - that resonates with me too BB.

I also really relate when you speak of shortcomings, failing that you would like to change. Ditto here.

I really admire and want to mention all the difficult work you have been doing and facing.  You are strong and courageous. 

[natureluvr]

Blueberry, I wonder if the inpatient stay has stirred up a lot of things, hence the vivid strange dreams and lack of motivation?  Perhaps your mind is processing all of this, and so you don't have the bandwidth to do much else?  I don't know, just a thought.  I know what you said to me on my thread was really helpful, so thank you.   

[Blueberry]

 
natureluvr, that's the conclusion I came to some time yesterday or last night as well. Thank you for spelling it out for me because that helped reinforce for me, helped validate my own conclusion. It's not as if no mbrs on here had suggested it... Today I'm doing better at pacing myself. Even yesterday evening I was doing better. The bandwidth is widening...

I've done a little cleaning, I also unpacked one suitcase from inpatient stay. Today I went into centre of town twice - lots of Saturdays since I moved I didn't even manage to go once, even tho the farmer's market is there. I looked into barefoot shoes today and even bought a pair. I have a lot of trouble with my feet and with finding shoes that at least don't exacerbate my foot problems. Only time will tell with these.

I realised today that I have been semi-dissociated off and on since I came home from inpatient treatment, e.g. I felt a bit 'floaty' and spaced out when walking along. Today I've definitely got both feet on the ground. I was a bit 'floaty' during inpatient stay sometimes too.

When I think about it, it's no huge surprise that things have been difficult. Day-to-day is generally difficult for me and the inpatient place I was in is not one where I come home with a ton of additional energy, it's more step by little minuscule step to integrate what I absorbed there into life at home. Of course it doesn't work all at once. A couple of Ts were listing the kinds of things we should do at home in the first couple of weeks to remain stable, but 1) Should is never good for me and 2) one of the Ts was particularly talking about depression rather than cptsd. Depression 'typically' is healed in 1.5 to 2 years   'I've had it continuously most of my life' from BB. Then T says: in your case, the depression is an additional thing on top (so won't heal before the stuff underneath). But I still put myself under pressure to take the steps e.g. making day-to-day plans, meeting up with other people, giving myself a structure, going out of the house, doing my physio exercises, doing 'something useful',   not spending too much time reading, doing crosswords, writing/reading on OOTS, lying around sleeping etc. Then not so surprisingly those 'shoulds' and 'should nots' didn't work Writing this here in the hope that it'll help me some other time.

[Blueberry]

I really admire and want to mention all the difficult work you have been doing and facing.  You are strong and courageous. 

Thank you for writing that At the moment, it's next to impossible for me to feel that with my emotions, but that may come. It's certainly helpful to read it. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, putting yourself under 'pressure' to do all those things sounds exhausting!  i'm not at the point where i can make more than 1 or 2 goals for myself for the day.  that you can think of such a variety blows my mind.

and, totally agree w/ moondance about what you've been doing, showing your courage and determination to get out of the clutches of this beast.  i hope things can settle for you soon, and i hope you can be gentle and patient w/ yourself while they do.  love and hugs 

[Moondance]

  to you Blueberry if okay

[Blueberry]

Thank you moondance, hugs here on OOTS are great!

_ _ _

Actually, I had other stuff to write, but I'm just sooo tired and it's only just noon. I feel as if I hardly done anything this morning. Meds, breakfast, tea, arranged a doc appt, advertised a give-away. Now I can't stop yawning and have sugar-craving. Tiredness/yawning is undoubtedly an EF of sorts. But still so hard for me to believe that I need to put everything on the backburner for a few hours while I go and rest, though there's so much important stuff to do. Aargh. I hate this.

[NarcKiddo]

I've just been reading your last few journal entries. I think you are doing very well. 

I notice you have bought some barefoot shoes. I have experimented with those a little. Not for everyday life but because I do weight lifting. Many people do it in actual bare feet but that gives me the total ick. I would say that if you are planning to use them for general walking about then go slowly until you get used to them. They may suit you very well, and I hope they do, but they are not something I found I could wear a lot from the get go. They were fine for the gym but whereas I tend to keep my trainers on for most of the day after the gym, when the barefoot shoes were new to me I was pretty keen to remove them after the exercise. Gradually I adapted to them. It kind of depends on the brand you got, of course, as some are more barefoot than others, if you see what I mean.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, that sounded like a lot to me.  anything involving brainwork exhausts me. and for the record, i hate this, too!

i know you'll get to whatever you have to do, but i'm glad you're listening to your body/brain that it's time for a nap. keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Hi Blueberry

It sounded like a lot to me as well.

I hope you got the needed rest. 

I didn't know that tiredness, yawning could be a sign of an EF thanks for that. 

 

[Not Alone]

Welcome back home. Be kind to yourself. This is a big change and transition.