Not Alone: 2022

[Not Alone]

Armee, your words are so comforting and encouraging to me. I came on here to talk about my grief. Now I'm going to soak my mind in your words; real and true (grief is called for now and some of your world is unraveling) and true and encouraging (some of the new shape you might love).

I love your note under the door. I'm going to print what you wrote and place it in my journal to read over and over. Thank you, Armee. I can't even express how much you encouraged me.

Merry Christmas. I love you too. You are precious.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, not alone. Your grief is real and valid, as is our care for you. I'll add my own note under the door -
We are with you in every season. You are loved and you are valued. We're on the other side of the door for you. <3

[Not Alone]

Thank you, Cactus Flower. That means a great deal to me.

[sanmagic7]

 

[Blueberry]

 

[Not Alone]

Back to you, San and Blueberry. 

Yesterday I went to a large resale shop. After about 10 minutes I felt overwhelmed. Still did some shopping, but then reached my limit. I did go to the grocery store after that. On the way home, I was thinking that since I went back into therapy and dealing with trauma 4 1/2 years ago, my tolerance for stores is low. Giving it more thought, I wonder if I've always felt overwhelmed in stores, but wasn't as attuned to myself. Even writing this now, I can feel my anxiety increasing. I don't know if it is being overwhelmed or being triggered. 

A couple of people have started new journals. In the past, I've started a new journal with the new year. Now that I'm in the middle of figuring out divorce, it doesn't seem the right time. Maybe when the divorce is final (can hardly write that  ), I'll start a new journal. 

I wonder if some of the Littles are nearby. All of a sudden I want to have a lot of emojis!

[Armee]

The emoji party made me smile. Thanks to a lifetime of pretty serious dissociaiton I had zero awareness of not being ok, of having triggers, or being anxious. I just was fully checked out, moving through the motions with no awareness at all. When my therapist started teaching me just the tiniest bit of mindfulness that's when all the triggers roared in. In reality they were always there I just had no idea, so for me at least your theory feels very true

[rainydiary]

I resonate with noticing more now that I probably just pushed down or didn't understand....and now I'm wondering "Now what?"  I hope you continue to find answers or possibilities. 

[CrackedIce]

Loved that emoji party!  The dancing circles reminded me of the old 7-Up mascot, Spot

I'm definitely with you on the "attunement" front - one of the first things my therapist had me to was actually stop and pay attention to my body when I was having emotional flashbacks.  I found that I'm actually a much more anxious person than I led myself to believe at first.  The tricky part is learning how to regulate the response... still working on that one.

Hope you have a good new years!

[Snowdrop]

 

[Hope67]

Hi Not Alone,
I loved seeing all those emojis that your Littles were expressing - they made my Littles happy too. 

Glad that you are choosing the time that feels right for you to write a new journal - it's your journal - your choices are so important.

I just popped over to send you a hug for the New Year  and wish you the best things for 2023. 

Sending some emojis to your Littles too - 

Hope 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, everyone. I don't have it in me right now to address each of you, but please know that I appreciate what you wrote and you brought a smile to my face.

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone, it makes sense to me, w/ everything you've got going on, that it might not feel right for you to start a new journal.  sounds like your awarenesses of what's ok or not for you are coming to the surface more strongly.  we've got you as you go thru the realization, acceptance, and reality of everything around you.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs and waves to the Littles! 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, San & Cactus Flower.

I'm having a hard time. I went through the Christmas ornaments, setting aside the ones that belong to my H. Lots of memories associated with ornaments. Feel the grief. Feel the tearing of the covenant of marriage. Then consulted with someone about something that I was thinking of doing for my future new job. I thought it was a great idea, but I had some second thoughts. My co-worker didn't put the idea down, but she did agree with my concerns. In another time, I would just tell myself I need to rethink that issue. Now, I feel overwhelmed and defeated. Life is just so hard.