Kizzie's Journal

[Not Alone]

Kizzie,

I just caught up reading your journal. I think that you are brave to pursue the ketamine and work with the doctor to figure out the best options for you. I'm glad that your second session went better than the first.

The interactions with your son sound really distressing. I'm so glad that his last response to you was warm. I hope for you that he will be able to be honest about what is going on and that you will be able to work through it.

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time. I hope that you are able to talk to staff and get some good advise.

[Kizzie]

Tks Not Alone - hugs and warm thought feel so good these days 

[Kizzie]

So I am really struggling, breaking down a lot, started taking drinks just like in 2016 (albeit not as much), to make it through between taking a new batch of medication.  Dangerous I know but not sure what else to do frankly.

I am seeing the head pysch at the clinic where I am doing the Ketamine and I will be talking to my GP tomorrow so hopefully they will come up with a better plan than medicating the *** out of me and saying I am making progress as I fall apart more and more each day.

TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDE IDEATION

I don't know if I am going to make it frankly unless someone gets off their *** and really digs into helping me. I am looking at Electro Convulsive Therapy now as think I am treatment resistant, SSRIs stopped working and now I think Ketamine and Gabapentin are tapping into my darkest thoughts and feelings rather than lifting me out of the depression.  I have been dealing with really bad anxiety since Jan and it's Oct and nothing has really helped.  I'd say that I have become treatment resistant for whatever reasons, doesn't matter but I have to find something that works or I'm not going to make it.

The psych at the clinic thinks it's progress and maybe he's partly correct because I do know from falling apart daily now I do  have a lot of suicide ideation going on since my H's stroke ( a lot of I don't want to live if he dies), and since forever (thoughts of I don't want to wake up, I don't want to be here going on in the background of my mind because of the trauma in my background).  Or is it the meds making me think these darkest of thoughts.   

Request

I know a lot of you are grateful for having OOTS so you are not alone and can talk about things you can't always talk about elsewhere so I am wondering if any of you are interested in becoming an Admin?  I am finding it increasing difficult to take care of things around here because of what I'm going through and could use a hand until hopefully I am able to get back on track.  It's not much really.  Just checking to see if registrants aren't blacklisted and then approving them, making sure new members are greeted, and occasionally dealing with a questionable post.  They are fewer and fewer these days because our guidelines are quite clear and members are quick to report questionable posts. 

If you are interested you can PM me here or email me at OOTSManager@gmail.com. 

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie,
I would like to send you support in the form of a heartfelt hug    I really hope that your GP and the head psych can come up with something that will help you. 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

dearest kizzie, i can relate.  maybe not so much today, but have very similar thoughts and feelings at least weekly.  i sure hope you get the help you need and quickly.  it's a horrible place to live, w/in the walls of those dark thoughts.  and, from what i know, yes, meds can increase SI and depression/anxiety.  it all depends on personal tolerance to the way the medication works.  i'm sorry the gabapentin isn't working anymore. it sounded good for a minute.

i wish i could help you more, but i am sending love, healing vibes, and a hug full of compassion and support.  c'mon in here

[Armee]

Oh Kizzie. This sounds like such a difficult stretch. Those thoughts and feelings are scary though you are not alone in them. And you've been managing so much physically and emotionally since your H's stroke.

Taking things off your plate right now is wise so you have more space to defuse the intensity of emotions and work with the doctors to figure out something that will help you survive and then hopefully start to feel better.

I don't know how mine compare to yours of course but I've had to just treat my thoughts and urges as intrusive thoughts almost like schizophrenic voices (though that's not what they are). I just let them have their say...."ok. I hear you. Thank you. But I don't really want to hurt myself, thank you." Or "thank you, I hear you. But I don't actually want to die." Sometimes I catch myself rolling my eyes at them.

If it helps and it may not...those thoughts FOR ME are always 100% of the time trying to cover up a real emotion that needs airtime and tends to flare when my defenses have come down just a little too quickly. But there's always something under that and it's something worth feeling and healing. That doesn't make it easier, but seeing the purpose of those self harm-y thoughts helps me be less scared that I'm having them. In my case their purpose is to distract me from feeling hurty things I need to feel to heal. They aren't a true desire to be hurt or die.

Huge hugs to you, Kizzie. You know our CPTSD healing mantra...slower is faster. Maddening but we cross the threshold into "too much" very quickly. Our nervous system has been taxed since day 1. It makes sense but is frustrating as all ****.

[dollyvee]

Hi Kizzie,

I'm so sorry that you're going through so much right now.

Like Hope said, I hope you and your t &  psych t can come to some answers about what is going on. In my reading about psychedelics it does bring up those dark parts of ourselves that we try to hide away. Even though it's incredibly difficult, it might also be a good time to look at them and see them for what they are and come to an understanding with them, so they don't have any power over you any more.

As I'm learning, we all have our shadow selves, the dark parts, warts and all. A lot of the times we weren't allowed to have those "bad" parts growing up (maybe especially for NPD children where we had to be shiny and good for affection and this is reinforced by society), but they don't disappear and have to go somewhere. As I understand, the more cut off we are from them, the more haunting or strong they become. I wonder if there's a part of you that identifies with still being good and can't see that you're allowed to do "naughty and bad" things too, that it's normal to have those parts?

I saw a version of myself pop up that I think was my shadow on a day I had a stronger variety of mushroom for my MD. It was the cunning, greedy part that I wouldn't really relate to but I knew that part was me. I've been reading more about the shadow and learning about the parts of myself that I had to cut off growing up, even if I don't completely remember them. I guess I'm open to the idea and learning about how it happened.

If you read down a bit, there's a part about the role of psychedelics in shadow work:
https://tripsitter.com/shadow-work/?amp=1

Sending you a hug we're all here if you need us,
dolly

[Kizzie]

Just a bit of good news re the site- tks to those of your who volunteered to help out with the administration (  ), but my H actually stepped up and said he would do it.  It's much easier to explain to him as he's right here.   

[sanmagic7]

   yay to all of you! and thanks for stepping up for our girl, Kizzie's H!

[Armee]

Big hug to H. If there's anything we can do to make it easier for him let us know.

[Blueberry]

  for your H, Kizzie! I'm so happy for you that you'll be able to hand this right on to him rather than spending time and effort trying to teach a few mbrs on here what to do.

[Kizzie]

Ha, ha, my H is a bit embarrassed I think to have some lovely well wishes - thank you my trauma peeps for making him feel welcome and appreciated!  (Secretly I think he really likes it  )

It's a real relief for me that he has stepped up because there is more going on.  I am stopping the Ketamine clinic because I am getting worse rather than better.  They don't see it quite like that , they see it as progress that I am breaking down and crying a lot (getting to the heart of my trauma).  I am also on more meds than when I started so my GP and I agreed I need to stop and try something else.

That something else is Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) - Transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) is a noninvasive procedure that uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression. TMS is typically used when other depression treatments haven't been effective. This treatment for depression involves delivering repetitive magnetic pulses, so it's called repetitive TMS or rTMS.  https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/transcranial-magnetic-stimulation/about/pac-20384625

I am having a major depressive episode, everyone is in agreement on that and I am treatment resistant, at least to anything involving medications so this seems to be a good choice.  It's expensive and isn't covered so we will be forking out another big lump of money but what else can we do?  I absolutely HATE that we are spending our savings on me getting well from CPTSD rather than traveling or whatever else we could be doing with the money that's fun and affirms all our years of hard work.   At least we have the funds, I can't help but think about those who don't and it makes me angry and sad. 

[paul72]

that looks really interesting Kizzie... thank you for sharing the link.
I hope it's successful for you, and I hope the depression eases soon... It's not easy changing courses. Good for you for making that leap of faith, and for knowing a change was needed.
I am wishing it brings a wonderful result for you.

[Armee]

Hi Kizzie,

Thinking of you and sending love and support. I'm really proud of you for putting the brakes on the ketamine and related treatments when it seemed to make things worse. Feeling things very well may have been progress but it was clearly too fast and too destabilizing.

[sanmagic7]

hey, kizzie, i've heard of magnet therapy before (long time ago - don't know if it's even being used the same way now) attesting to something similar re: realigning bodies and all their innards, even down to the cellular level.  i sure hope you have the best of luck w/ this new treatment.  i've been thinking of you.   love and hugs