Kizzie's Journal

[Armee]

 

Kizzie. I know how badly you want just to feel better. I am so sorry that this is so hard. I hope you get quick relief from restarting medication. Also...trauma therapy can be pretty dysregulating too and if you did something substantially different in the clinic that may be adding to the distress too.

[sanmagic7]

dearest kizzie, sending so much support and care your way.  i can feel your distress thru the screen.  hang tough, ok?  hangin' right beside you!  love and gentle hugs.

[Hope67]

Dear Kizzie,
I have been thinking about you, and hoping that you will be able to feel better soon.  I know it's a really hard time for you at the moment, and your emotions are prominent, but I hope that you get some relief and safety and that you are ok.



Hope 

[Kizzie]

Tk you all so much.

[Papa Coco]

Kizzie,

Thinking about you all the time. I'm glad to hear that they might be able to reduce the dosage and that the Ketamine will work even with a smaller micro dose. 

Also, your inner protector report is fascinating. I can see how that protector could do that to you. Mine tries, but I'm able to get past him. But the whole idea that your inner protector is making your treatments difficult leads me to want to start working with my inner protector too. Mine won't allow me to meditate for very long. As soon as I really feel like I'm almost "in the zone" my protector forces me to think about where I am, and what I should be doing with my time instead of relaxing.

I'm very glad you have those psychiatrists helping you. I sure hope they can get you some relief.

You're still in my prayers every day.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry it's so difficult atm Kizzie 

[Kizzie]

I talked with one of the program psychiatrists yesterday and he has put me on Gabapentin 500 mg x 3 times daily to see if that brings down the anxiety enough so I can get back to the Ketamine.  My GP is on board.

[sanmagic7]

fingers crossed and prayers flying, kizzie, that this time you find some relief.  i hope your anxiety levels recede quickly and smoothly, too.  sending love and a hug full of support and care

[Kizzie]

Tks San   

[Armee]

Keeping my fingers crossed this helps. 

[Kizzie]

Seems I am writing in too many threads about my experiences with meds but hopefully readers will track down some of it and get something out of what I've gone through.

Anyway, tks again for your support everyone.  I'm glad I chose finally to be open about what was going on.  Being the forum admin always makes me think twice about what I say but one day I realized that the truth really is the best antidote to Complex PTSD.  Sometimes it's not what we want to hear but it makes us be honest about our suffering and what we need, it motivates us to ask questions and push for better treatment, from those serving us. If there is one thing I have leaned going through what I have recently it's that there is little real understanding of what is Complex PTSD and what we need that differs from those with PTSD. 

I had to tell both the clinic and my GP that I had hit the wall and was quite literally falling apart and needed something to bring the anxiety down as soon as humanly possible.  The psych prescribed Gabapentin and it has really helped.  I can't help but think how much better off I would have been if I'd had access to a knowledgeable psych way back when.  But my GP didn't know how effective it is and apparently the one psychiatrist who assessed me at the end of Aug didn't either.  He recommended an antipsychotic .5 mg of Risperidone which has side effects, takes time to work, etc.

So I have suffered needlessly and I am angry about that so I will tuck it away and maybe when I am feeling better I will use that anger in some advocacy work here to get patients connected more quickly to knowledgeable psychiatrists. 

The Gabapentin works fairly well, enough so that I think I can return to the Ketamine treatment (at a lower dose as per the head psych).  The saga continues.

Tks for all your support 

[sanmagic7]

quite the saga, indeed, kizzie.  thank you for sharing about this, and for being so open and honest. i agree w/ everything you said about our truths and how important it is to bring them out of the darkness.  so very glad the gabapentin is working and bringing you some relief. 

having had my own experience w/ risperdone, i second the  .  love and hugs

[Armee]

Thank you for honestly sharing your journey, Kizzie. I think it is much more helpful if we all have realistic ideas of what recovery is and isn't. There's a lot of pressure to just get over it and to be a good little success story of overcoming. We want hope, of course, but realistic hope.

You have every right to be angry when you feel ready about not getting appropriate and knowledgeable care sooner.

[Kizzie]

San, it's kind of funny as I told my GP the psych was not exactly positive about not only thre Risperidone suggestion but about the psych who recommended it.  Seems he knows him - small world I imagine.  Anyway, it piqued her curiosity and when she and he talk (supposed to be yesterday),  she told me she was going to find out why he wasn't positive about the med or fellow psych.  I had to laugh at the human side of all this because her curiosity was more than professional, she wanted the goods on the guy.

Armee - tks for supporting me taking an honest approach.  I just feel more and more like we have to tell professionals when they are not doing their best to help us in a way that is compassionate, includes our needs/ wants, is effective, and most important of all is accessible.   I didn't realize how important that last bit is -- accessibility -- until I had to deal with the medication side of treatment.  I'm having to pay a fortune to access good psychs who know a lot about meds.  All the good/smart ones seem to be going private here in Canada and they do not come cheap when you access their services.   

[Armee]

It's astonishing the individual price this takes not just on emotions health relationships and productivity, but sheer money. My costs here in an expensive part of the US is $2k per month for necessarily long therapy. I literally cannot function in 1 hr therapy. The dissociation makes that impossible. That cost doesn't include the fact that I don't feel able to work right now and the monthly costs of insurance premiums. We are lucky as my husband makes good money. Otherwise I wouldn't get treatment.