Hope's Journal: 2022

[Hope67]

Typo in what I wrote above - Andy the guy in the Himalayas was doing 'meditations' not 'medications' - that's made me laugh out loud now too.   

[Hope67]

Wow, there is so much emotion mixed up - so many parts of me reacted when I re-read what I wrote.  There's a part that laughed and I genuinely felt that laughter.  But there's another part that is wailing and so upset and distraught - so I see how the different parts react so differently, within me.  I wanted to write it here and now.

Anyway, I am going to have a cup of tea.  I am ok - I am aware of how differently the different parts of me feel - and I am glad for each of them, that they're here and I can at least notice and try to help them. 

Thank you for listening, if you've read these ramblings today - I am glad to have written.  I have been reading other people's journals most days, but haven't written anything there yet, but I want to.  I will do soon, but at the moment I am feeling self-obsessed, in terms of just writing here today. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate what you shared.   

[CactusFlower]

Hi Hope, it does sound like you've done a lot of work.  I will look for that series on netflix, it sounds interesting.  (and your typo made me laugh too!)  gentle hugs if you want them and a virtual cuppa tea.

[Armee]

Thank you for sharing these thoughts and for the empathy toward me. Too.

Hope your writing is not rambling. You are processing and sharing and teaching us all at the same time. I value your voice(s) here. And you're doing a good job pacing through this work.

[dollyvee]

Hi Hope,

That's great news that you are sleeping more comfortably 

Thanks for sharing what you wrote. Sending you support and a hug to your parts if that's ok 

dolly

[Blueberry]

Hope, your writing is not rambling! It seems some part of you thinks that and/or maybe you were often told that in earlier times. I find your posts interesting and informative. And now that I've been told I have Parts and more of a dissociative problem than I hitherto realised, I find your posts even more informative. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary - thank you 

Hi CactusFlower - 

Hi Armee - I appreciate you saying that, thank you 

Hi Dollyvee  Thanks 

Hi Blueberry - Thanks so much, I appreciate what you said.   

************
10th September 2022
I wanted to start by writing something from my Breaking Free workbook that I've been reading, which says
"You may wish to take a break from the exercises for a while.  Some Survivors come back to the same exercises again and again before they feel they are ready to move on.  If you begin to experience strong emotional or physical reactions allow yourself time and space to understand and process these reactions before continuing with the next exercises."

I recognise that I do need to take a break from doing the Breaking Free exercises - and I have had some quite strong physical reactions lately - very painful headache - left side of head, and today my eyes are stinging - but I think that's because I have cried sometimes and therefore my eyes are sore.  I've been afftected quite a bit by the death of Queen Elizabeth II - the country is in mourning now for 10 days and her funeral will be on Monday 19th September.  Her death has brought up unexpectedly strong emotions, relating to my FOO and I recognise the need to step back from trying to do stuff relating to the Breaking Free Workbook.

I ended up screaming out loud again the past couple of nights in my sleep - my partner told me, but I also heard myself on one occasion - and wondered how I'm able to even make such a loud and high pitched scream.  I don't think I could physically do that, if I tried to - in the light of day.  So it's as if there's another part of me that does that. 

I've been watching a series about a girl who came from a demonic kind of cult, and in discussing things with the woman who has temporarily fostered her, who happens to be a therapist - she talks sometimes with other people about the meaning of symbols within the cult, and how powerful those things are, and bring out conditioning and affect the person. 

It makes me realise how powerful different symbols, triggers might be, and how we don't always know what is affecting us.

My eyes feel as if I've got sun-cream in them, they hurt quite a lot.  I need to go and wash them and try to feel less sore.  I think I might go to bed for a while.  My partner has been worried about me a bit today - he asked me how I am, I said 'ok' but then feel like crying.  The radio is playing sad music all day for the Queen - the TV is talking about her all the time.  It's like it's enforced mourning, rather than there being any lighter moments to process things.  I think that reminds me of my childhood and being 'told how to feel' and feeling lack of space to express and process what I thought and feel about things.

Anyway, just coming here, and writing this, I think I feel a bit better.  So maybe I'll come back sometime soon, and talk some more.  Or maybe I'll just be asleep for a while - but either way, that will be ok. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,  yeah, your grieving and mourning deserves to be in your own time at your own pace.  i think that was a brilliant realization. 

interesting about the pitch of your scream.  always interesting to see how parts play out, their narrative, their reactions. 

i agree w/ you about the strength and force of symbols and triggers.  i haven't realized any of that myself until i began digging into this work we're doing now.  they can be extremely so from time to time.  sounds like you may be triggered rather forcefully in your dreams.  thanks for sharing.  love and a hug

[CactusFlower]

hugs, Hope.  There's a lot of grief going around lately. I know it sounds odd, but let a couple teabags cool off, then put them on your closed eyes for a minute or two. Very refreshing. 

[Armee]

Sending hugs to support you as you support the parts that have to scream. 

Taking a break has so much wisdom, and settling before moving on.

[Papa Coco]

Hope,

I agree that letting a little sadness have its time in you is not a bad thing. We all know that mourning losses is an important step. Your recovery workbook is no doubt working you through letting go of a lot of familiar feelings, memories, reactions, etc. So, even if we're getting better, I believe we still need to mourn the parts of us that had to stop in order to let the new parts begin. Also with Queen E. If you're feeling like you need to mourn her, then that's what you need to do.  I sometimes remind myself that sadness is not depression. Sadness is a necessary emotion that helps us properly mourn loss.

I hope you can get some sleep. Rest is good for the soul.

And here's another hug. 

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you Hope and wishing you find your space to find your way of experiencing the current events

[dollyvee]

My eyes feel as if I've got sun-cream in them, they hurt quite a lot.  I need to go and wash them and try to feel less sore.  I think I might go to bed for a while.  My partner has been worried about me a bit today - he asked me how I am, I said 'ok' but then feel like crying.  The radio is playing sad music all day for the Queen - the TV is talking about her all the time.  It's like it's enforced mourning, rather than there being any lighter moments to process things.  I think that reminds me of my childhood and being 'told how to feel' and feeling lack of space to express and process what I thought and feel about things.

Hi Hope,

Sounds like you are aware of your emotions and what's coming up for you and practising good self care. I think  you can turn off the TV and radio if you want to. I'm also finding it a bit overwhelming too in an enforced way. I think it puts a blanket over the colonial legacy that's still very strongly felt in some countries and the damage it did there, but that's me. I'm only realizing now how much stuff I had to push down because it wasn't "acceptable" to act like that.

I finished an article you posted on CSA and found it interesting the forms that dissociation can take. Apparently, it can distort an individual's sense of self and sensory input through the five senses. Perhaps this accounts for some of the vision issues you've been having? I think whatever the cause, it's helpful to listen to what's going on in the body and do what you feel is necessary. 

dolly

[Hope67]

  to everyone, I appreciate what you've each said here - and really feel glad to be part of this community, it's so supportive and a kind place to be. 

**********
16th September 2022
Glad to have the support and space here - don't feel able to write much today - as holding many things in my head, and can't interpret those things meaningfully into written words  - well, I probably could try, but I am aware I need to keep myself contained at the moment, as a result of quite a few things happening at home today.  Other people around - and difficult to get any space or time to really relax.

Should be quieter over the weekend - and aware that the funeral of Queen Elizabeth nears closer - it has been thought provoking to participate in the period of National mourning - I felt a bit trapped by it at first, and over-whelmed, but I think it's actually been a good thing for me to contemplate issues of bereavement and grief - both in relation to the Queen, but also to other things in my life. 

I have been reading other people's journals here, and I am sorry I've not been over to comment there - or support you - but you are all in my minds, and I hope to re-connect with people next week - as I feel like there'll be more 'room' to do that.  Hope that makes sense. 

Currently I feel like I'm helping each of my 'parts' to get through this week - and spending time with them, and it's going ok, but takes a lot of my 'effort' and my 'thought'.

Surprised myself that I have written more than I thought I could.  I am not good when there's unexpected people in the house - but yet I've been able to come here and write this, so that's quite good.

Hope