dollyvee's recovery journal

[Larry]

 

[dollyvee]

Thank you all for stopping by 

I've had some experiences lately which have brought up my coping mechanisms (people pleasing) in a way that I could look at them in a new light. It's hard to see things for who/what they are and not what I would like, imagine, or need them to be.

I was speaking to a potential date and I didn't really want to have sexy chat with this person even though it seems so widespread on dating apps. I wanted to put up a boundary but it really came up that I couldn't do that because they would reject me. Or that's what I believed. But another part was like no, you have to do this for you; this is what feels good for you. It's not too crazy, it doesn't mean you're less because you don't want to do it. I think it's hard to let go of that fantasy of how we want to see things based on what we needed growing up. As I found out, this person is/was probably emotionally unavailable and I would've been choosing someone like my mom, again.

I read a good book called "The Game of Desire" about dating and desire, but more of a dating makeover book. You make a checklist of the things you're looking for in a partner and it came up that when I meet someone who has those qualities I want, I self reject, or immediately have negative thinking that it won't happen; that they won't be looking for "someone like me." T brought it up that I'm giving my power over to these people, and putting them on a pedestal. Thinking that they have something I don't etc. I did this a lot growing up, but then I can understand that and where it comes from too. My m used to tell me that so and so had done something so much better or got much better grades on their report card etc. The things I did were never good enough.

Instead of dealing with the mold in the apartment, the landlord put my rent up 30%, and still hasn't gotten back to me when the issue will be resolved. I spoke with a lawyer and had to threaten them with a claim for damages. I hate being in this environment but I don't think I should have to pay for moving and new furniture etc to replace the moldy stuff. I felt so much better after being out of this place for a while. I forgot that I had sent the LL photos in last year showing the mold growing (even though I didn't specifically say: mold!) and that they've known about it for all this time. I wonder about "seeing the good in people" and being too trusting with people like this and the people I choose to date. T has also talked about a healthy ruthlessness which I feel like I shy away from until I get in these situations and then get angry. This is something I would like to change.

[Blueberry]

Oh man, what is it with these landlords??

Good luck moving forwards on the healthy ruthlessness  

[dollyvee]

Thank you Blueberry - I definitely feel torn about "trusting" the other person to do the right thing and now I have to take them to court to "stand up for myself." I think definitely patterns from growing up playing out.

Some thoughts on. dating/relationships that I'm processing right now. I wonder how these things are different for people with narcissistic parents? I think I've been focused on, pick a good one, don't pick a narc. But I also think there's a deep part that doesn't want people close because I know how much they can take and how smothering that feels. On the surface, I guess I see the things like I'm not good enough, they'll leave because of it, but there's also a shock (I don't know what else to call it) when people get close, like it's too much.

Maybe these things are preverbal, in the womb or as a young baby. I just get the impression of people taking things from me. I guess that's why we put up boundaries but it's hard for that part to see it's healthy selfishness when we want to do things for the people we loved. Especially as a young child. I guess it was conditioning to do those things in that way, but also as a child you just give freely to your parents and don't expect that it will be taken advantage of.  Same with trusting in dating and relationships I think for me. Maybe it's that young part giving expecting them to be fair in return.

***
Coming back and thinking about it more: am reading a book on seduction as recommended by the author of the other dating book and the idea just makes me freeze. Essentially, it's a mental game of power and while I think I can and do do this is life, to be conscious of it makes me shut down. Like I can't be inauthentic, I can't do those things. Is it because it dangerous to do those things? That I actually don't want someone close to me like that (sexually or that it could lead to sex and that makes me shut down?). I guess as a people pleaser, I had no "authority" to reject advances and it would leave me in a precarious/dangerous situation. The other part of me sees that these could be enjoyable exchanges, being in my body and feeling the "chase." The chase is something I've always hated, always given me anxiety.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I am catching up on your journal.  I resonate with reflecting on relationships and how unsteady they can feel.  I hope that you find some ease in navigating.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
Sending you a supportive hug   
Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thank you rainy and Hope 

I think there's a lot going on right now that I feel overwhelmed and upset by. I had the Environmental Health official over to look at the mold in the flat last week and he told me that he's seen worse and you should see what's out there. He basically eyeballed the flat and that qualifies as an inspection, checking to make sure the windows open (obviously it must be the tenants fault that they're not airing it out properly). At one point he even said to me, when asking why didn't the landlord do something about it over a year and a half ago when I first mentioned it, that what had I done, I could have called EA then. I feel gaslighted and like I have no rights here, and somehow it's my responsibility for paying money to live in a moldy flat. It feels insane. I looked up what would happen back in my home city and landlords would have to do something about the mold right away (you would have to prove it's moldy first) and then it would pass an inspection before it was deemed safe. In my mind this is not eyeballing the repairs but actual air quality or ERMI testing to show it's safe. Though I will probably look into it to see what kind of testing it is just so I can verify that there's a reason I'm feeling like this is crazy.

I was also at work this week and two collegues were talking about sexual harrasment on the job and how one of them (female) "also makes inappropriate comments" and how guys said things to her all the time when she first started out. I felt like they were aware of recent things that happened to me and were trying to normalize the workplace behaviour, and basically normalize sexual harrasment, and that it was me that was the problem. They're both established and the environment works for them but it doesn't make what's going on ok. I get how they can think like this but I don't understand how? How can you try and legitimize sexual harassment. I feel like these people are just two more bullies in life and I can see them for what/who they are, but it upsets me that they have power at work and they are trusted; I feel like I'm the only one standing up against this stuff sometimes and it gives me a lot of anxiety/makes me not want to say anything. It also brings me back to growing up when I did speak out and was punished for it.

Knowing the differences in attitudes where I grew up and where I am now, it's hard to reconcile them. I've been feeling like it's an uphill battle staying here and fighting against the cultural differences and why am I exerting all this effort to do so? I've started applying for jobs back home and will try if possible to split my time. I feel like I will be blowing up the career I took so long to build here but I also feel like the trade off will be in quality of life.

[dollyvee]

Just putting some thoughts down.

Watching Children of the Underground and it's bringing up a lot. I guess the memory of growing up in a world where it felt like the people who were supposed to protect you didn't and having to navigate that? That at this time, none of that stuff was openly talked about or just starting to be talked about, and it was likely that if you did (at least imo), people would gaslight you or paint you as a hysterical woman. That it was a very big feeling of being powerless.

Also, continuing to read this book on seduction. It's crazy, I feel like this is a thing people actually want, to be liked and close to people (if that's the right phrase) and I also feel like it's not on my radar in that way. Yeah I like people and want them to be around but thinking about it in those terms makes me shut down. In my mind it's just friendship and happiness?

I looked up the connection between seduction and narcissists and it's a close one where apparently relationships are like a game to get what they need and discard you; where you don't matter.  No wonder this brings up a lot in dating, relationships. I feel like I have to prove that I would never do anything to hurt someone, that I am "sweetness and light" (this is an exaggeration but the idea is there), like I can't engage in this behaviour even though it's a normal part of dating. My brain takes it to the extreme, like I'm not a good person who will set boundaries and keep their feelings in mind etc but goes straight for full on narc version. Maybe that's what I grew up with and knew to respond to.

Apparently, seduction and seducers offer pleasure and I've never had an easy time accepting that pleasure is a part of life, that people do things to enjoy them; it's always felt wrong or that I'm guilty somehow of doing it. The book also mentioned that pleasure is an escape from responsibilities. Maybe because I was parentified as a child, it felt wrong to not have responsibilities?

[dollyvee]

I don't know if it's the md or other stuff but I feel a lot coming up after work this week. Hugs and closeness (?) or feeling more connection with collegues in a way, less caring about people; feeling I stood my ground with a group of very bitchy women (a colleague validated this that she sat down and had to leave the room because the atmosphere wasn't right - but I also replay what the repercussions will be, will I just be knocked down in the future; why can't I be different, more open and accepting).

Though other stuff too bubbling under the surface after watching that documentary - is there an element of sexuality in this connection with collegues? Most of the connections were with men (though I do work with mostly men and feel I'm more of "tomboy"). Is there something in me that turns this closeness/connection into something sexual...is there a part that does know seduction very well in that sense but it's also a young part that didn't know any better? On some level I feel like this is something that is expected of me (I guess maybe a lot of women feel this way) it's just somehow it seems to go awry? I don't know how to explain it. Or maybe there's a part of me that wrestles with this sexuality internally and I wonder why does my mind go there and use this as an outlet? Maybe a form of dissociating?

I read on another forum that md will bring up stuff from your childhood and I feel like I do feel like I'm maybe more like "myself" from the past. I think these issues were there under the surface but maybe now I'm being confronted with them again but I also feel like I'm more established and better equipped to see myself as an adult that's handling them.

[dollyvee]

Had an experience with my chiropractor the other day. She is in the city and I am not, which I think she's aware of. I was driving to be at the appointment and hit a wall of traffic, much more than normal. So I called and arranged for 30 mins later as that spot was free. When the traffic wasn't moving, I called to say that I would be 10-15mins late for that and she called back to tell me that she had to be out of the office and could we reschedule (after I had basically been in traffic for two hours). I did something to my neck and everything has been really stiff and quite painful for the last few days, so I called the office and made another appointment with someone else.

I guess these are old feelings coming up but I just feel very irritated that she couldn't wait 10mins? I don't know what these old feelings are - that I feel like I'm at a disadvantage and doing my best to be there, have pain etc, hit with extenuating circumstances (I guess I should have known it was long weekend Friday traffic but at noon?) and someone that I was open and thought I was connected with, flakes on me. Part of me knows that it's her practice and she has every right to do that but also that it was more likely to go do something fun on the long weekend. I feel like I sound jealous or something by saying that. Again, I feel conflicted about this and don't really want to get caught out again, so I will probably start looking for someone closer. I guess this is probably also me needing validation for my anger which I was never allowed to express.

On a side note, I think perhaps the pain could be somatic and related to the feelings coming up with MD recently, even though it happened while I was lifting something over my head, there was tenderness around my middle back before that which is interesting.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I felt frustration and annoyance towards your chiropractor when you described what happened, and how she wanted you to cancel, purely for being 10 minutes late or so, and for very good reason (with the traffic etc).  She was lucky you contacted her, as you could have just come late, and she'd have been waiting.  But you were considerate and you contacted her.  I completely think your thoughts about her flakey-ness are appropriate.  She didn't really treat you well.    I completely think your anger is worthy of validation, and I wish you'd been allowed to express yourself in that way in the past, and the present and for the future.  I relate to what you said, as I also feel I wasn't allowed to express my feelings of anger - or indeed many feelings generally.

Anyway, Dollyvee, I wanted to say I hope that your neck gets better soon, and that you get some relief from the pain.  I hope the appointment with the other person went ok.  Maybe that person will be the right person for you.  I hope so.

Sending you a hug, Dollyvee, 

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Hope  I appreciate you writing that. Sometimes I go back and forth a lot with these things but I did feel angry about it and still working out what to do with that anger when it comes up and what it was (boundary violation) and what to do about it (confronting people never worked in the past, so I had to sit with it alone etc).

It's a very familiar feeling with these things. T and I have talked about healthy selfishness but what is that line? I don't want to be a psychopath that just gets my way all the time (I'm guessing that's the inner critic taking things to the extreme). I don't want to not call and just show up because in my mind feeling like I'm doing a bad thing and not considering the other person's feelings/time etc, but then when things like this happen I end up feeling angry that the same consideration hasn't been extended to me; that maybe they've had healthy selfishness (I don't know if it's that?) and I'm the one on the receiving end having to pick up all the pieces/responsibility.

After I she called I did think I could've just showed up and not called. I don't know it's like something in me won't allow myself to do stuff like that. It's really "bad" to behave that way or something. On the other hand, I do think we should be considerate of other people, but also doesn't feel like that's the world we live in.

Something has come up that I haven't been aware of in a while, maybe it's been there, operating under the surface undetected. I used to feel "unsure" about leaving the house though I don't know what the right word is. I don't think it was a fear? It was maybe just anxiety of dealing with people, anxiety over wearing the right thing (being the right person?), anxiety over what I was doing - was it the "right" thing to do etc and sometimes I would just waste time going over the options then not feeling settled when I was out. I remember this from my early 20s when I left uni and went to art school. I guess it was the first time I was doing what I wanted. It could also be a mold thing. It came up again yesterday, thinking about going to the gym and I felt like I wanted to go but didn't want to deal with people, but that I should do something and get some exercise. I went on a walk and I think the anxiety followed me. Normally, I feel quite connected walking in the dark and sure of my footing but I had a lot of intrusive thoughts I think. I heard a car coming up behind me and was worried they would see my blond hair and think I'm weak etc/make assumptions about me (I don't know - I think it's interesting that weak came up jn). So, I started to put my hair up and then fell all of a sudden. Part of me wonders if this is a little self sabtoage for going out because I didn't feel safe. It was always the wrestle of these fears don't make sense you should be going out and doing things, you just can't stay in all the time. Although, it's also really hard to just sit and be with that anxiety at home.

I felt moments of connectedness as I had a little meditation and it was a deep feeling that was nice but not something I could sit with as this anxiety came in and out. I think moments of deep feeling like that also cause me anxiety. LIke there's a feeling but I have to push it away, that it's not safe to be in myself. I also didn't take any binders until after I got back from my walk yesterday and wondering if that contributed to the anxiety/effect.

I have been having moths fly at me for the past week or so. I read that they encourage you to turn your attention inward to get the answers you are looking for. "They show up to strengthen the trust and bond you have with yourself so that the first person you go to for answers is yourself." It's funny because I've been thinking about what if I didn't get external validation from others, what would I do then? I was never allowed to trust myself.

[dollyvee]

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

I can't believe it took me so long to read this book. I guess we find things when we're meant to.

Also thinking that gf, and not just sgf, was probably a narcissist or had very strong narc tendencies which I never thought about before. (Or did he have narc tendencies which were then made worse by gm m and gm?) I don't really know the right way to say how it feels like an a-ha moment as he was such a big part of my life and learned a lot from him, but also it was very clear what happened if I "stepped out of line" as a teenager, and how much easier it was to go along and keep the peace even if it meant sacrificing myself. I did step out of line later and rebelled but I also felt like a big part of me was torn because underneath it all, I felt like I was jeopardizing my survival on some level. Thinking about it now, it is such a task for an 8, 10, 12, 16 year old to say no, this is my life and what I want and I feel and how I think the world works against (int word choice) a family who doesn't validate that and wants you to be something else, mostly to suit themselves and make themselves feel better. It's crazy making because there was also a loving side and I felt a lot of love towards him. I remember he stopped playing chess with me when I was 10 or 11 because I beat him. At the time, I thought it was funny, I beat you etc. but it is a messed up dynamic looking back. Just before he died when I went to visit him, he told me how smart I always was and I told him I learned it from him.

Also realizing that even though I rejected what my gps/family wanted for me, the specific life etc, and thought I was doing my own thing, I think I very much carried an ideal vision of myself and who I thought I had to be in order to be successful. It wasn't necessarily about me or what I was feeling,  but I guess who I felt I had to change into---look, how I present myself--- in order to have this life I wanted--family, etc---which boils down to being loved. If I could be like this, then I would be loved basically. I think it was the narc programming but in a different package and on the other side it was still me, still being less than. I think I'm beginning to see that people like me as I am now, when I'm not "perfect." It's not the family/ idea that I had in mind but maybe that was the problem in the first place; if it didn't fit my vision of how things were "supposed" to be (for whatever reason, I don't know where it came from yet), it wasn't good enough and to be loved gave me an intense sadness instead of feeling loved and what I thought that would feel like.

Interesting that when I was rereading this post, I came back and edited it which I put in bold. I feel like it shows how torn I was/am when looking back at things with my family and how difficult it was to say well, it was bad because this happened, when there was a lot of times I felt "loved" and that's what was important to me. I guess it's hard to determine if that love was conditional, or to separate the feeling of feeling loved/the good times with conditional love. There are some very good examples in the book that fit my grandfather as well which is what prompted the above entry. I'm also remembering when I saved up all my allowance to buy gifts at our Christmas School Fair. I think I was 7 at the time, so it meant that I was probably using the slave wages my sf was paying me for allowance-- $1/week-- and bought my gf what I could afford, a $2 fridge magnet, which said My Grandfather is a Star. He made fun of me for wasting my money on when he opened it--how could she spend her money on this garbage? He did keep it on his fridge though for 30 years. Stuff like this was erased by the family/me and glossed over for who he was/they were. So, my feelings were glossed over = not important.

Another long post which I didn't intend but am thinking and just working some things out. Thanks for reading if you made it that far.

[Larry]

 

[dollyvee]

Hey Larry 

I had my first appointment with a new chiropractor yesterday and during my exam/run down he said that my body was in defense mode for fight or flight, and that this pain in the hip and shoulder is because it's kind of turning your body as a defense. A couple things: wow, bang on and also defensive again because it's vulnerable to have people know those things.

I was reading a piece in Will I Ever Be Good Enough and had a feeling of familiarity. Maybe I've read it before but couldn't really absorb what it was saying at the time? But I can't remember. The feelings of anxiety coming up around going out (and being myself) and how I tried to protect myself when I heard the  car coming and had the fall make sense because I couldn't put myself out there growing up --it was criticized and wrong. After all this work I've been doing, I can't rationalize or think that part away. Those feelings are still there underneath.

I didn't realize that I likely have the self-sabotaging part that's active. She posits that some people are over-achievers and others self-saboteurs. I guess I always thought of myself as an over-achiever, but I think that's me being accomplishment focused (and I am starting to see how this affects me at work and relationships). Underneath it, there is the part that wants to play it safe because what if things don't work out (at least that's what I rationally tell myself---that I need money, safety etc but I think/know this is also me abiding to my family's programming to some extent) and it's a form of self-sabotage from taking risks. I think it's me doing things to be the image of who I (my family thought) I should be. I do sometimes feel like I have this Terminator vision that starts evaluating risk and all the things that could go wrong (it's not necessarily a bad thing at work) but I think I'm now feeling where it's coming from and why it's there in the first place. I don't know how to describe it, yes I was aware of this before but maybe I wan't able to feel what it was like for me at the time?

Some things in the book that are just beginning to sink in:

"The daughter of a narcissistic mother has unmet needs and therefore displays some neediness. The codependent behavior is a disguise to cover up the neediness and display strength and competence. When under stress, her neediness will come out and she will look like the dependent."

"Your child's accomplishments are not who your child is." (This was the only thing I had growing up or that mattered to my family.)

"I didn't love him then the way I am able to now. Or my children. It took time to learn it. I used to feel it for my cat, but not for people. All my feelings were numb, even the good ones." (That m couldn't deal with feelings and I had to numb everything; when gm and I would take about feelings it was a sense of false safety and as I grew up, I realized I couldn't have authentic feelings with her either especially anger or any criticism of her behaviour; my gfs feelings were paramount too, I did what made him happy; it didn't matter what I thought)