Hope's Journal: 2022

[Hope67]

10th August 2022
So... I hope I can continue to write, as I want to update and try to keep track of how things have been in recent days.  So great to have a place I can do that, and thankfully I don't feel quite so paranoid this time, as I sit here.  The inner critic seems to have left me for the moment! 

I brought the books I had read in the last few weeks - so I can just write the titles down - I couldn't recall the names when I tried to think of them before.  I read the book 'House of Horrors' by Nigel Cawthorne - that is about the true story of Josef Fritzl, whom they described on the front of that book as 'the father from *' - (part of me is concerned by the fact I am drawn to reading books like this, but the fact is that I relate to the feelings described by the girls who were in these captive situations - I relate to Stockholm kind of syndrome feelings too) - so I really relate to these situations, and what I really found helpful about reading this book was that they gave opinions from various professionals about the situation, and that was very interesting to read about.  So I found the book very helpful. Unfortunately though, because I tend not to be able to retain all that many memories of things I read, I can't bring to mind what exactly was helpful - only that whilst I was reading it, it was helpful.

Then I went on to read something I was drawn to whilst browsing shelves in the library, it is called 'Chakradance' by Nathalie Southgate - and I enjoyed reading it because the author has studied Jungian analysis, and she mentioned Jung and different concepts relating to that throughout her book, as well as explaining the chakras and energies, and using dance to express emotions etc.  I liked some of the visual meditations she suggested, and found that I was able to picture some of these things whilst she described them.  I think it was a book that made me feel positive and some nice feeilngs, so that was good.

The book I'm currently reading now, is 'Breaking Free Workbook' by Carolyn Ainscough & Kay Toon.  I've picked this book out of the library several times in the past over previous years, and I've attempted to read it, but found I don't take it in - can't actually 'do' the exercises.  But this time, I found that I've been able to read the first chapter and feel as if I have understood it more and can face it more.  I've found a notebook that I intend to use for writing in about my experiences.  But I notice resistance.  But, at least I've begin this time to feel more hopeful that I can stay with it, and maybe 'do' some of the exercises.  What I have noticed is that more memories are surfacing generally. 

This reminds me that I also watched two documentaries called (not sure if I get the name right) but it's 'Return from Neverland'?  It's the accounts by the two young boys (now grown-ups) who alleged CSA by a famous person (M.J).  I found it really powerful to watch those episodes/documentaries - I believed their accounts of what happened.  It was emotional to watch.  It brought up feelings relating to my own feelings.

(Even trying to say that, I realise how 'clunky' that language becomes, and it makes me think that I am choked up/restricted in my ability to express things, because I've not really spoken about, or expressed things properly, and can't make sense of facing my own emotions and feelings.

The Breaking Free Workbook - it has an exercise that says 'How the abuse has affected my life' and already I find that such an enormous thing to contemplate.  Because I think it's hard to know what constitutes abuse, and I think that there are so many strands that I don't understand myself.  Even thinking about it, I wonder will I be able to do it.  Write it.  Think about it.  I notice resistances, urges to eat and overeat, ways to push back feelings/numb myself.  At least I recognise this - that's a good thing I think. 

Good to have felt able to write this today.

Hope 

[CactusFlower]

Hope, I hear you about the Breaking Free workbook. I'm using the Courage to Heal Workbook, and those kind of exercises are hard. Answering them without second-guessing or censoring can reveal some stuff that's hard to read. it has given me things to talk about with my T, though. Wishing you energy and peace to get through whatever you need in the workbooks. Gentle hugs if you want them.

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
Thank you   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, you've really set some tasks for yourself lately.  so much to ponder, understand, realize. 

i was taken by your thoughts on how abuse can differ, and am realizing that a lot of what i thought was 'normal' in relationships was simply that i was used to being treated as a non-person from early on emotionally and mentally (i didn't have the physical for the most part).  as my T told me, sometimes the non-physical means of abuse leave those hidden wounds, but they are still abuse. 

we just keep learning, don't we!  i admire how you continue to dive into this stuff.  you're an inspiration, my dear.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic,
Thank you so much  - yes, it's an ongoing path of learning and attempting to process and so many things, and it's not easy, but we're journeying together, and that's phenomenal.  I appreciate your support on this journey, and I appreciate the love and hugs, and I also send some to you too 

******
12th August 2022
Pleased to have got to the weekend, and think that it has been ok.  I have had some nice things happening in the day today - I feel more positive within myself today.  Feeling like I want to write about whatever comes up:

I enjoyed a really great breakfast - out in a cafe with my partner.  Avocado, bacon, egg, toast - delicious!

I'm not ruminating so much about FOO at the moment.  At one time it was almost constant, but it's not as often now.

Working on the 'Breaking Free' workbook - I am taking it in small chunks.  I have started journalling too.  It was soooo emotional to start it, and I felt a lot of resistance, but I have started it, and written things.  What I've noticed is that it has evoked more memories, more things to think about and what is amazing is that I've been able to stay with the thoughts and begin to process some of the feelings.  I think that learning how to stay in the present (via Janina Fisher's help) means I can stay with things more in an adult sense. 

Now I feel like I'm not making sense with what I write.  I don't think I do.

I remember that something triggered me today - on the radio they talked about the talcum powder company stopping their sale of talcum powder because of alleged links to cancer, and it made me think back to my M wanting me to have talcum powder in my personal areas, and that was in her view a good thing - and how some forum members put the thought that maybe she knew something bad had gone on with my F, and she wanted me to be clean (this is my recollection of what was written in the other part of the forum - it might not necessarily have been what was actually written.  I told my partner about this today - and he reacted with a 'Yuk' kind of noise and his face said the same thing - and it was interesting for me to see his emotion and his feeling expressed in that way.  It was like it really made him feel sick. 

I didn't expect to just write that.   I wish I'd put a trigger warning there - but maybe it's nothing bad that I've just said.

I was thinking that I'm in my 'adult part' more currently, but as I've been writing that, I feel very much that I have child parts present, and they make me feel so many things. 

I have had a lot of dreams this past week, but I can't remember what the content was.  I might start keeping a dream journal again, to look at the themes.  I think that would be good to do.

Need to go now.

Hope 

[Armee]

What you write makes sense, Hope. And I'm sorry what happened to you. But you do make sense. I'm glad you could write here what you felt like was coming up.

[Not Alone]

What you wrote made sense. I smiled at the thought of you and your partner enjoying a yummy breakfast at a cafe.

The thought of what your F did and your mother being complicit makes me sick. Yuck and anger at them; tenderness and compassion toward you.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, Hope.
Your breakfast sounds lovely and I hope the journaling helps. As for the talcum powder, I think those of us over a certain age... a lot of us had our M tell us to put powder in those places. it was just what was done. At least today, they've discovered the harm it can do. and good on teh company for quitting, surprising as that was.

[sanmagic7]

hope, i'm just so sorry you went thru that w/ both your M and F - we've had so much enabling going on in our lives, and it really is sickening, in many senses of the word. 

by the by, you made perfect sense to me.  breakfast sounded yummy - i love cafes.  i also love to see all the progress you've been making, and have really been interested in all you've been sharing lately.  it's so good to see you.  love and hugs, my dear

[Hope67]

Hi Armee, Not Alone, CactusFlower and SanMagic,
Thank you so much 

********
14th August 2022
I wanted to reflect on today - I had been reading the 'Breaking Free' book this morning, and as is typical for me, I ended up reading through the entire book quite quickly - over the past few days actually, but the pace started off slowly - considering the exercises and making a start in my book I've chosen to write in - but then I ended up mainly reading and considering my responses 'in my head' rather than on paper.  I know I need to really slow this down, because what happened was I ended up really blowing up (i.e. at one point really shrieked at my partner and said some quite angry words to him - and he didn't need that - but it was just that I felt such strong emotions, as a result of considering the things written in the 'Breaking Free' book.  It was over-whelming.  But, having said that, I do feel like I've coped ok, and not been too bad.  I think it's definitely what I need to be doing at the moment - really facing the issues in that book.  I really think it will help me.  I feel ready.

I also watched a video by Dr Arielle Schwartz earlier today, and made some notes about it, which I shared in the forum (in the conference and articles area) and I did her experiential exercise stimulating the vagus nerve.  I found that I ended up what I think was dissociating just shortly after I wrote the words 'ear shaped like the foetus; gentle listening hands' - and I think that was relevant - because I had been considering quite a few things in the morning relating to my parents and how I was treated as a baby and young child - so maybe that was too much to hear those words, and be stimulating my vagus nerve.  I am so grateful for Bach writing that she experienced sometimes greater triggering and more anxiety as a result of sometimes stimulating that nerve, as this made sense to me. 

What happened after I stopped writing the notes was that I then went to the kitchen to meet my partner and think about making some food for our lunch - but I felt as if someone had physically punched me in the stomach area - it was really like it hurt a lot, and I told him that was how it felt - as he asked me what video I'd been listening to, as he'd heard me playing something and wanted to know what I was watching.  I told him what it was and how I felt.  Interesting that he replied that he also felt as if he was 'full up' and 'uncomfortable' in the stomach area.  I told him I felt like mine was as if someone had thumped me in the stomach, but then I said it felt like I had intense wind that needs to come out - that kind of really uncomfortable and painful feeling. 

I thought about Dr Schwartz saying that people should soften their stomach - and I thought - "I can't have managed to do that, it's as if I was stiffening up or tensing, without realising it" - anyway, I am going to keep trying to do some vagus nerve stimulation - I had already started doing it in my face area - plus doing a bit of tapping on the face as well.  I had been doing that in the mornings, and found it quite energising.

I feel a bit 'hyper' right now - although I also feel soooo hot and as if I'm wilting in the heat. 

I know it's because of the 'Breaking Free' book really - so many issues going through my mind having read things in that book - it's as if I'm reading them for the first time, even though I've read that book before - but previously I've not really felt present or able to process and think about things.  Now, I feel like I'm more grounded, and considering things more as an adult, rather than as a child that I often feel like.

I had quite a few body pains in past days - including the left-hand side of my head hurting a lot - in my sleep, it was like it was going to split.  It hurt a lot.  I thought I was going to have some kind of event.  I probably needed water.  I must drink more water.

CactusFlower - I'm grateful to you for mentioning the talc, and your reply was very normalising in terms of the fact that those of us over a certain age would have M's who put powder in those places.  I think I really want to think of it in that way - i.e. a normal motherly thing, but somehow my relationship with my M, and how I think about her currently is that she's become a bit of a monster in my mind - I am truely scared of her.  That is probably a young part of myself, because even as I write that, I think that I know that at another level I feel like she is not scary.  But yet I think she is.  There's a definite blend of quite different feelings there.

I am thinking about things now, and decided I've overdone things today.  Feel too drained and probably overdone it.  I will try to pace myself. 

Regarding Dr Schwartz's course - it's nice that she did a free video, but I know she was promoting her course, and she thinks it's good value - and I think that I wonder whether her book might be an option for me - maybe the exercises will be described in her book, rather than paying a lot of money for a course.  At the moment, I don't have a lot of available money, so I am going to try to look for free resources.  I think there will be some online, and I might order the book from the library!  Great idea.  I think I will try to do that.

I apologise, as I can see I have a much more hyper side of myself here at present.  I am in control of myself, but I feel like I'm overly stimulated! 

This is making me want to laugh.  I think humour is good - I agree with Woodsgnome on that, who mentions about humour and how it can help, and I really think it can. 

Wow, I feel really upset on the other side of this coin - I can feel both emotions clearly - the laughing side, and the upset distressed side.  I really hope that I can ground myself and appear normal - because I do feel like I am too hyper.

I feel like I should erase all of this, but I am not going to - I haven't said anything bad, and it's my journal - so that's ok.

Hope 

[Papa Coco]

Hope,

It's good to see you joined for a bit, if even to say you didn't know what to say. 

We're here for you every day.

Take care of yourself. Post again when you feel up to it.

[woodsgnome]

Hope,

I can surely empathize with that double-edged contrasting feeling you mentioned, of humour and discomfort happening almost simultaneously. That visual image is a common theatrical symbol, to have one side showing a laughing jester, while directly opposite or flip side one sees a distressed, sad face. They can overlap and create emotional cross-currents.

Just thought I'd mention that -- being a former theatre person, I've seen that symbol frequently, and think it show how there can be overlap in all of these deep emotions.

If it's alright, I'd like to wish you well with the following symbol, and the thought behind it ----- 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I appreciate you reflecting on your experiences and that you seek out more information.  In my experience, while I love learning and reading, it often throws me out of balance as I work to integrate or leave the new things I've learned.  I hope that you find the balance that is right for you.

[CactusFlower]

Hope, so glad you joined us. Sounds like you've been working on a lot and paying attention to how your body responds. Fascinating that your partner had a similar reaction! I'll check out this book later after I get through a stack I currently have. Budget is definitely an issue for me, and I am super grateful for a library system.   

[sanmagic7]

dear hope, i do believe in the medicinal power of laughter - it may be a survival mechanism showing itself as you go thru the distressing feelings.  i know it's helped me stay sane even while i've been juggling terrible triggers and memories.  i agree w/ you - this is your journal and you can write whatever you like, however long it may run.  love and hugs