Sage's Journal

[Blueberry]

Sending  Sage 

[CactusFlower]

Thanks, Armee and Blueberry.

Been working little bit by little bit on the Courage to Heal Workbook. It's actually pretty useful. I did have to force myself to get over the issue I have about never writing in a book. The first bits are about learning what safety means and how to create it. My stuff was what I expected it would be. Some of the questions, though... I have just been writing whatever comes out and it's very strange to see what the subconscious says when given free rein. Understandably, a lot of my safety issues center around how I control my environment and who has access to me. I also tend to catastrophize easily around responsibility. Things like "If I don't do X, then Y will happen and we'll be homeless and starve." It's going to take a LOT of work to not have those doomsday reactions. I've also realized that I probably needed help a lot earlier in my life and just dismissed things as unimportant or normal when they weren't. Self-harm, depression, things I never told anyone.

Part of the building our support network from the book involves reaching out. I know I have huge issues with that.  I'm going to (this coming week) attend an online meeting of Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. I found one that's specifically accepting of my gender and orientation, so here's hoping that will help me work on my trust issues. It's every afternoon M-F and they say try 6 in a row to give it a chance. So... Yeah, I'll give it a chance from what I've read.

[Armee]

Sage thats amazing that you are going to try to do that support group for 6 days in days in row. And I'm so glad you found one that is welcoming.

I really relate to your difficulty writing in a book. I don't know if our reasons are the same but that is one thing that keeps me from doing that stuff. It's inspiring to read about you doing the workbooks and the writing.

Can I ask a question? How do you deal with the amount of stuff that needs to come out? When I think about sitting down to write I am so overwhelmed by all the different topics that are bursting to be let out all at once I get so jumbled. 

[CactusFlower]

I have multiple reasons I find it hard to write in books. A-textbooks were always given back at the end of the year in school, so I didn't mess them up. B-I read really fast, so I had to get books from the library rather than buy a lot. C-Books were my escape (I'm older than computers, lol) when I needed them and I "respected" those treasures. So for me, If I wrote in a book, it was because it was important enough to keep and I knew I wouldn't change my mind about what I wrote.  That's been hard to get past, really.

Yesterday was hard. I realized it was 9 years yesterday since I lost Mom. How can it be so long? It's been really hard when the painful stuff comes up because I do find myself wanting my Mommy for comfort, then the loss hurts again. I'm also recognizing MY addictive behavior was never drugs or booze or smoking or whatever. it's comfort food. yeah, I had 3/4 of a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream yesterday. Great, something else to work on. Sigh. Good thing therapy is today. And the first ACA meeting right after.

The amount of stuff.... Whoooeee. If a specific memory comes up, I'll write it out at the speed I am capable of right then and go back to it in a day or week to see if anything else pops up. For non-specific stuff, I freewrite or pick a topic.  For example, since I was an Air Force dependent who lived overseas, I wrote about having to move very year or so and how that impacted me. It also fed into writing about my fear of abandonment, which the male parental unity played on. I've had some freewriting pages where two or three things just come out and later, I go back and expand each of those into its own paper. They're not huge, I'm running about 2-5 pages double spaced so far. But just having them out and on screen kinda of helps a little with distancing myself from the memory so it's not so "here and now". Not completely, but it helps. And a couple have definitely brought up more forgotten details when I went back to them. I think it's important to let them sit a little while so they're not too overwhelming. Some may only come out a paragraph at a time before I start crying. But yeah, don't try to have a goal, just start writing, even if it's "I'm here, this feels ridiculous, why am I writing now?"  Just let it flow no matter how jumbled.

Gentle hugs and good luck!

[sanmagic7]

CF, i think the idea of joining an online ACA support group is an excellent idea.  i've heard as well about giving something new like this 6 times.  i've done that w/ both T's and groups, and it can be surprising how much things can either change w/in the dynamic or be clarified that it's not for you.  best to you with this - i hope you find it helpful.  i've been to a lot of different 12-step groups, and have been able to get something from nearly all of them.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

  Thanks, san! Had the second meeting today. I felt strange. Not bad strange, just... I don't know. weirded out a little? The meetings are scripted to stay within the times, but some of the responses felt odd to me. Like the host saying "You were heard" after every person who shared. At first, it felt funny, like, "they sound like a cult". But then I took a step back and asked myself, why am I resistant to this? What's causing this resistance?

I think a lot of it stems from the childhood trauma and our attachment problems. I realized there's nothing wrong with them, I just have a very difficult time accepting that someone can come from a place of support and acceptance without it having conditions put on it. Not trusting that what they call love really is. Like, they say something like "You're loved and supported here" and my lizard brain goes all "red flag! red flag! Nobody does that and means it!"  Which is kind of a sad reaction when I stop and think about it.  So I'll keep on and try to open up more to them, but it's not easy, obviously. I've only shared my name and pronouns so far, but I presume I'll eventually feel able to share. Might take longer to actually be on camera, though.

As a side note, I talked about it with a friend of mine who's in AA. He said it can feel weird at first, but those scripted responses can also become cues, signs that you're in a safe space with similar people. Something comforting. That actually made sense. So, yeah. 3rd one tomorrow. (they're all about midday for me)

[sanmagic7]

i agree, they can feel weird, that whole acceptance thing when they don't know you or anything about you, CF.  the overwhelming majority of my experiences w/ these types of groups have been supportive and accepting, and i kept coming back for years.  still, if it doesn't end up feeling right for you after a fair chance, you don't have to return.  that's always an option, no strings attached, no reasons or excuses needed.

best to you, again, as you continue.  hope it works out well for you.  love and hugs 

[Armee]

I'm really proud of you for going. Many people myself included wouldn't even get past the resistance to step through the (virtual) door. That's really open of you to already be able to take an honest look at your reactions to the scripted responses and I'm so glad your friend with AA experience could corroborate the role of those scripted results.

[Armee]

And thank you for sharing more about how you triage and manage writing.

And I'm sending you some supportive hugs to get through the anniversary of your mom's death.

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee!

So far, so good. I do like the group I'm in as it's very accepting and even has people share their pronouns when speaking. I tried  a different one in the evening that was women-only, but bailed because there was a lot more pressure to share and introduce one's self right off the bat. Today will be the 4th one with the good group. I was also worried that I wouldn't currently be able to afford the main text they work with, but serendipity strikes again! My bff has a copy I can have and an online member offered me the e-version until I can buy my own. So I can take a universal hint, LOL.  We'll see how this goes.

The memoir class is over. While I learned a few things and the reference books are useful, the class itself wasn't really worth the price my BFF paid. He didn't even bother with the last assignment. The teacher is nice, but most of her "teaching" is providing links to other people's work and a few comments on whatever you submitted. There wasn't really even much interaction with others past the first one. Oh well. It got me to start writing, and I'm perfectly able to find other resources on my own now. No new memories have come up lately, but I'll take the lull. It does give me the chance to go back over some of the earlier pieces and check grammar, active voice, little things like that.

Also still working through the Courage to Heal workbook. This part is all about how you nurture yourself when you need it. I already knew a few things, but it's helpful to write them down as a list I can refer to. You also ask other people what they do, and there's been some good answers. most do seem to have getting outside and/or in nature as one. I like the one person who put "a big bowl of mac and cheese". Not terribly healthy, but I can see how it's comforting.

[CactusFlower]

I'm going to have a lot to talk about with my T tomorrow. I've done 6 meetings now for the ACA and I'm going to stick with the program. There's a lot of things that overlap in working on stuff, so I think it'll help a lot. It's also affirming to get into a space that's truly safe where you're unconditionally accepted and supported by people who completely understand because they've been through similar stuff. At least you can take it at your own pace, which is important for me.

The Courage to Heal workbook was interesting yesterday. I was writing in the section about admitting it and remembering, and one of the exercises was to complete the sentence, "If I remember the abuse, I:". I did those by just quickly and free-writing the answers that came to the pen. I'm not putting them here because I think they'd be highly triggering. Let's just say I was surprised at both the content and intensity of what I wrote.

I also need to talk to her about conferring with my med doc there and possibly separating my diagnoses for Social Security. Apparently they don't usually understand that panic attacks, anxiety, depression, etc are a part of PTSD, so it might be useful to have them as separate piece of the puzzle. We'll see. I mean, you would think they would given that it's in the mainstream awareness, but i suppose some people just know what Hollywood shows it as.

Family dinner was very yummy last night, then we sat around and chatted. We sometimes play games (card, dominoes, board games, etc.), but we've decided to sometimes watch movies too. My BFF is 15 years older than me, and my bro is 11 years younger, so there are quite a few things one person has seen that the others haven't. LOL We did have a healthy discussion about what each of us really don't like and don't want to see, so that felt... I dunno.  mature? Healthy? Whatever, it was good to all be on the same page. (like, I hate gory horror, bro hates creepy paranormal or self-deprecating humor, BFF isn't' into musicals, etc.) That should be fun going forward. Between me and the BFF, we have most of the major streaming services, ha ha. Yay for chosen family!

The ACA has a version of the Serenity prayer I kinda like. (you can put whatever you want in the place of "God" in the prayer. I use "Universe".) God (Higher Power) grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change
the courage to change the one I can
and the wisdom to know that one is me.

[sanmagic7]

i love that serenity prayer, CF.  it really covers a whole range of issues re: people in our lives.  and i'm so glad the group is working for you.  very nice to have another supportive tool in your belt.

that workbook sounds intense.  for a minute i thought about how i would finish that sentence and . . . i couldn't. my mind wouldn't rest there.  i think it's courageous that you let your pen do the talking.  well done!     love and hugs 

[Armee]

Hah love the serenity prayer!

Good job sticking with those meetings, and the courage to heal workbook.

Gentle hugs as you process what you wrote. 

[CactusFlower]

Thank you, Armee and san. Hugs back and I appreciate your support.

[Hope67]

Hi CactusFlower,
Sending you a supportive hug,   
Hope