Hope's Journal: 2022

[Armee]

Oh Hope....

I feel badly. I got behind on journals when I was travelling and missed catching up on yours. I remember starting to read and getting interrupted and didn't finish or reply.

I just read what you wrote. I'm really happy that you are feeling emotions flow through. Those have been really powerful eye-opening moments for me when that has happened and opened the door for more healing to happen. I remember actually feeling sad a couple years ago, when my son had a migraine. I felt it through my whole body, instead of just either intellectually, or confused (like...my eyes are watering but having no sad thought or understanding of why I'm sad). It was really helpful to experience that and understand what people mean when they say the "feel" something. I hope the feelings continue to flow through you.

I would also feel curious and terrified by your partner's reports of night terrors. It sounds like you are striking a good balance of acceptance and curiosity and openness along with the fear.

All this along with being able to write more and you're coming a long way, Hope. You've done a lot this year. 

I also really appreciated reading your thoughts on adulthood and how you felt and feel. It gave me a lot to think about. That being dissociated does make it hard to feel like you are functioning as an adult, and the weird paradox that many of us were mature as children but now feel tiny and young. Thank you for taking the time to write all that out. It helped me.

[sanmagic7]

i so agree w/ armee - that dichotomy of having had to take on adult roles and responsibility when kids, and now feeling like a kid as adults.  you have come so far!  love and hugs

[Hope67]

29th June 2022
I haven't been able to get here to write over the past few days, although I have come here and read things from time to time.  But just wanted to say thank you to everyone who wrote here in my Journal.     

I've been processing things more, and I hope to write more about that, but for now, I'll just say that I'm glad that this place is here, and I'll be hoping to write more in the coming days. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

  to you Hope.

[Armee]

Supportive hugs as you process and try to write

[rainydiary]

I find words so amazing yet also limiting.  I hope that you find ways of expressing even if it isn't with words.

[sanmagic7]

 

[CactusFlower]

hugs, Hope. We're here whenever you are able to join us, for any amount.

[Hope67]

Thank you all - I appreciate you very much 

************
3rd July 2022

I want to start today's journal writing with a note to myself to try to get access to an article that's in the Lancet by Andreas Maercker et. al. entitled 'Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder' - as it was recently published and discusses the new diagnosis category of CPTSD.  But I tried to access it and it said I'd need to pay something to read it - and then it would only be readable for 24 hours - so I've not bothered to do that.   

I have had quite a challenging time with the fact that I don't seem to register temperature very well - I stopped drinking milk in my tea and coffee for a while, and ended up burning my mouth quite considerably, but have only just realised this, due to the pain of my gums now!  So I'm drinking milk again in my tea and coffee, so that I don't burn my mouth anymore.  For some reason this shocked me - because I knew I am quite resistant to noticing temperature, but I really hadn't realised the significance of it till this experience.  It's upsetting to part of me. 

I attended some courses a couple of weeks ago, and I am pleased with myself that I managed to cope, because what often puts me off this kind of thing is the fact that people could ask me personal questions, and I'd not know or feel comfortable about how to respond to them.  I usually cope, but it's the fear of the unknown.  Anyway, I do feel happy that I managed to cope, and it feels like a milestone that I achieved that.   

I've had more dreams lately that have included aspects of my past work-life - it's almost as if things related to that have only now been able to be present in my dreams, and before it was too painful to even consider things relating to it.  A good friend of mine had helped me to put into perspective some things about the way I think about my work-life - I had been excessively hard on myself in how I'd framed it, and my friend was able to give her perspective, and it really helped me to be less hard on myself.  To see that I hadn't done anything wrong, and that circumstances had happened that I chose to cut loose from.  That was so helpful to hear her perspective and I think it did shift something for me. 

Physically, I've felt pressure and pain in my head, still the left-hand side round the eye socket and in the brain, but it's not as constant as it has been, and the other physical experience I have is when my stomach really churns and makes very loud noises. 

There has been a lot going on in recent months, and I've had to communicate with quite a few people in various different ways, and it's been stressful, but I think I feel stronger for that.  I have coped and it's been ok. 

Glad to have written something today.

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hope, I'm glad you have written today too.  It seems like you are navigating many things and noticing a lot. 

[sanmagic7]

hope,

https://neurosciencenews.com/

i found this online explaining how the WHO has added the diagnosis of c-ptsd and what it means.  it was free to read.  i'm so glad to see this and hopefully the DSM (the psychology bible) will follow suit.  we've been left in the dark too long with this, have been dismissed and denied by therapists worldwide.  finally we're getting some validation.   

thanks for writing - you and what you go through is always interesting and informative.  love and hugs

[Armee]

Hi Hope. It seems that noticing what's happening in the body is really important to getting control of dissociation and healing so even though I know it is distressing to feel things that you don't know what they are from...at least it can also be a sign of progress along the path to healing. 

[Not Alone]

Hope, I just want to drop in and give you a hug. 

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary, SanMagic, Armee and Not Alone,

Thank you all so much for what you said.  Sending each of you a hug 

***********
20th July 2022
Hoping to update a bit - not sure what I'll write, I've wanted to come here and write something a few times in past days, but whenever I've tried, it's not been possible - maybe parts of me weren't happy at the time, but today - I think I can write.

Anyway - I've been processing what I would describe as 'grief' a bit more - in relation to my relationship with my FOO.  One of those members is factually dead and the other is alive but I don't see them due to being estranged.  I have mixed feelings about each of them, and I know that different parts of myself feel very differently about each of them, so it's not an easy thing to try to process grief.  Plus the fact that I don't necessarily feel things - although that does fluctuate.

There has been some anger surfacing, and I have sometimes 'felt' that anger - and find it's being directed towards the FOO member, rather than it being sent off in someone else's direction.  But there have also been times when I've felt 'guilt'. 

Tregger warning - mentioning suicide and depression/anxiety/sexual abuse
Suddenly I remember something that really triggered me this week - I had watched a film with Amanda Seyfreid in it, called "A Mouthful of Air" - this film was made in 2021, and I saw it last week.  I didn't realise what it was about properly, as it had given a trigger saying that if someone had a history of anxiety and/or depression that it could be triggering.  But when I watched that film, I thought - NO, that woman is someone who has been sexually abused by her father, and she is has complex trauma as a result of that, and therefore I related strongly to her narrative, and what shocked me was how powerfully it impacted on her life, and the outcome that she faced in the film - it was very sad, it was upsetting to different parts of me, and I know that I dissociated during moments within the film, but that somehow the shock of the content hit me afterwards, and for a few days after. 

But, I am glad I watched it, because it made me think that I am lucky to have the life I currently have - even though I feel like my FOO wasn't what I wanted - how I couldn't see the dysfunction within it for many years, I was at the same time aware of things - even though they weren't allowed to be felt or acknowleged. 

I feel like there's so much inside that could come out, be expressed, and that maybe there will be the opportunity to begin to do that - hopefully in a safe place/safe way. 

I had so many great intentions when I first came into this forum - I remember previously talking about having systems of folders to put carefully selected pieces of information, and how to maybe think about and look at those things - make sense of them - but when it came to it, I rarely 'did' that.  I jotted down lots of notes though, and kept those notes - but now and again, I tear those things up, and throw them away.  But maybe that's ok.

(Now I feel like my mind has gone blank - it's like all parts of myself have left the room!)  I know this is because I've been thinking in my mind about things that different forum members have said - and then thinking that I want to make notes about those things, and yet, I feel like I can't recall all the things, and therefore where do I start?

I watched one of Carolyn Spring's courses about 'Working with Trauma Memory' and made a few notes on that.  But what happened the day after was that I was aware of a part of myself that was 'angry' and demonstrated that feeling throughout a lot of things I was trying to do in the daytime. 

Carolyn spoke of needing to 'calm and soothe' and a statement she said was 'You can't get through to a sobbing child until they have calmed down."  She spoke of 'deep empathy' and 'understanding' and 'welcoming emotions as they are.'  This is something I appreciated hearing - because I've been using Janina Fisher's exercises and appreciating any communications from different parts, whether through body reactions, thoughts, feelings, etc, and therefore I felt like Carolyn Springer's suggestions were in accordance with those things.  It felt like being on a path that feels right.  So I'll continue to tread that path, albeit cautiously, and see where it goes - but at the same time keeping to a pace that feels safer for my different parts.

I've noticed with the parts that if an upset part or an angry part expresses itself, that I also have a part that laughs too - which is incongruent, but has happened a couple of times - it's like they're both present to such a degree that one's behaviour influences the other, and both express themselves.  I'm hoping someone else relates to this, as I do feel a bit silly writing about it, but I'm also hopeful that other people maybe also experience this.  Thankfully that's only really been heard out loud by my partner, and that in itself is positive, because I think it shows that those parts feel able to be present infront of him, rather than hiding away.  But I have tried to explain to him that on those occasions, I'm not sure what's triggered those reactions, but that they are there.

I have begun to write a time-line of my life and have put that in a computer file, and that way when I have extra memories, thoughts or anything that seems pertinent, I put the date when I thought that, and write what I want to write, as part of the time-line.  I've found that using the internet to look up past schools, any names I recall from past times, places, looking at things online that seem relevant, it's helping to piece together more recollections.  Also thinking about major events - e.g. death of Elvis Presley, time a film was shown and the date that happened, etc etc, those things are helpful in knowing how old I was at particular moments, and making sense of what might have been happening etc.

I'm glad to have written today - and it feels good to have done so.  That's a nice feeling.  I feel it.   

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Hi Hope, I appreciate you sharing your reflections.